La Casa de la Ocultada

mas car stuff

2006-03-07T02:24:00.000-06:00

I realize that some of you may be turned off by my recent car related posts,
and I really don't care.

I had smooth sailing replacing my carb the other day,
until I noticed that something connecting the manifold to the choke is broken.
I assume this little piece of metal is called "choke rod" or something equally as simplistic, but since part of it is missing, it is hard to say.
From what I understand,
the thermostat relays temp information to the housing of this missing rod or spring thingy,
and the rod then operates the linkage on the carb to open or close the choke. The fact that is missing is playing a factor on the fuel/air mixture, and starting.
Or so I imagine.

Obviously I am not much of a mechanic,
as you can probably tell by my use of the word, "thingy."

Other missing parts of my car include various hoses,
the functions of which vary from A/C hoses,
(and since the A/C compressor sits uninstalled in my trunk, have no purpose.)
and CAS which is for emmission testing, of which my baby is exempt,
and hoses I think contribute to the rough starts.
Some hoses are capped off, so they remain a mystery.
(Well, that is a dramatic way to say I have no idea where they go.)
I am pretty handy, I like to fix things.
But it is hard to fix things that arent there at all.

I am really enjoying working on my car, though.
There is something strangely sexy about grease under your fingernails,
the smell of oil and sweat,
and of course, the rumble of a well running machine.

There are the little frustrations...
My temp gauge doen't work.
There are a few little cheap parts I need to replace,
almost in a trial and error fashion.
First, the four dollar sending unit,
and then the thermostat, ($12) if I have no luck with that.
Which I haven't
I took out the old sending unit, and the new one didn't want to go in.
The threads don't match because it is either the incorrect part,
or the I need to retread the female end.
I am pretty sure I have to rethread, because the old sending unit was almost identical to the new one, except the first five threads were stripped off.
In fact it looked pretty damn clean and new, which leads me to think her former owner was working his way to the gauge problem the same way I am, without fixing it.
Que sera sera.

car stuff

2006-03-02T22:22:00.000-06:00

I am feeling pretty productive this evening.
I ordered a couple of new parts for the duster,
replaced the master cylinder,
bled the brakes,
and fixed that pesky 'no brake/tail lights' problem.
The best part? No labor costs-but for my own beer and smokes.
Sweet.

I also made an honest woman out of my old girl, and made her road legal.

It is nice to fix your own car.
Something inherently satisfying about it.
Of course, I had my dad's supervision, he digs it though,
we get some bonding time,
and he does no more than drink beer, point, and hand over a wrench or two.
He told me he wants his own project car now... I swear it's contagious.

I have had really good luck with getting parts.
Unlike some mechanics, parts guys build a rapport with you.
They gain nothing for adding unneccesary items to your shopping list.
So they don't.
Once they see you as a returning customer,
they give you more respect, and are more liberal with discounts.

I haven't had 100% perfection though, trust me.
They aren't being rude on purpose, but some guys are just fucking clueless.
Yesterday, a parts guy asked me,
"Nice ride, your boyfriend's?"
Instead of replying, I just gave him 'the look.'
A friend of my parents came by to say hi while I was fighting with a switch.
My face was literally under the brake pedal, and this guy says,
"I wasn't expectin' to see a girl down there." and he laughed. Har-har.

...People, when I am sweating my ass off underneath the dash of a car with black vinyl upolstering, trying to manuever vise grips and a socket wrench in a space half as large as my fingers, fighting with ancient rust covered bolts,
and/or trying to get parts for a 36 year old car at fucking autzone,
please don't fucking annoy me... ok?

It is just not wise on your part.
Really.

BTW... expect me to blather on and on about this car, or fuck off.
Your choice.

reclaimation

2006-02-28T02:20:00.000-06:00

I tire of the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
Fighting the good fight gets old,
and I want to shrug the burden off of my shoulders.
Patience may be a virtue, but virtue is for the virtuous.
I think we all know I don't fall in that catagory.

It was so much easier being a bitch.
Never had to be nice when I didn't want to,
never had to hide what I was thinking,
never had to say ok when I meant no fucking way,
and, I sure as hell never had to wait for a phone call.

It seems that being nice is not all that fucking great.
Nice seems to equal being a doormat.
Nice does not get me what I want.
Nice gets me nada.
Fuck nice.

I have been following the old credo,
"if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all"
and damn, I sure have been quiet lately..
Well not any more.
Fuck being quiet.

Fuck this passive bullshit.
I am through screwing around.
Seriously.
I am tired of behaving the way I am supposed to,
it does me no benefit whatsoever.
Plus it's a fucking drag.

My friends from a few years ago would barely recognize me now.
I am a damn soccer mom in comparison.
And now I am asking myself,
what, in the living fuck, happened???

I want the old days back.
The old me back...
Old me had a hell of alot more fun.
Old me never gave a shit about who liked me and who didn't.
Old me used to tell people to go fuck themselves on an hourly basis.
Old me took absolutely no shit, under any circumstances.
Old me would drink you under the table and still beat you at pool.
Old me would laugh at you, you fucking pussy.
Old me had no regrets.
Old me kicked your ass twice in the pit.
Old me would pound 5 shots and then get on stage.
Old me laughed at your cheesy pick up lines.
Old me laughed at everything.
I miss the old me.

Well no time like the present I suppose to re-claim the person I was.
She is still in there somewhere, drumming her fingers, rolling her eyes, shaking her head, and smirking at you.

Watch out world.

stupid weather

2006-02-18T23:54:00.000-06:00

Normally I wouldn't let a little thing like freezing rain stop me,
but I need new winshield wipers for the Duster,
couldn't see shit on the way home, so I am in for the night.

Thankfully, I managed to get the brakes replaced today.
I had to go to three different stores to get all the stuff I needed.
It is funny how helpful auto part guys can be if you are driving something cool.
Shit, when I still had my blazer, I had little luck in that department,
I would have to flirt my ass off to get any help at all.
Will minimal eye batting, I got discounts at all three places today.
Sweet.

Funny how I can flirt with complete strangers,
but can't manage to be cute around people I like.
maybe I could take a class or something.

Anyways,,, so I have a new roommate,
and I think it will go smoothly.
I have to get used to the fact that there is someone other than me here.
I have essentially lived alone for a while.
But she has taken to decorating the place,
and that is a vast improvement.
It looks more like a home, and less like a batchelor pad.
I suck at decorating.
Maybe there is a class for that too, "How to act like a girl 101"

Fuck it.
I embrace my un-girlyness.
It suits me.
Plus I am pretty sure that if I starting acting girly now,
my friends would have me commited.

I realize I have nothing to talk about, so I will turn to a weather report.
It is fucking cold. I hate cold.
It amuses me when people say stupid shit like " I just looooove the winter."
Then don't fucking live in Texas.
Move to where I grew up, and see how much you loooove the cold.
Spend eight months a year digging your car out of snow,
sliding around on icy streets,
wearing five layers,
and still having your nose hair freeze.

More power to ya.
I am ready for triple digit temperatures.
Bring on the sun-soaked Texas afternoons baby.
This summer is going to be awesome.
I am mobile now, and I get to do all that shit I talk about every summer.
Tubing, enchanted rock, camping at the lake, far away concerts.
Fuck yeah.

countdown to hangover in t minus 18 hours

2006-02-14T19:15:00.000-06:00

Those of you that have been reading my blog for the last few months,
know that I am not fond of holidays.
I rallied against all holidays in my "Fa la la la la, fuck you." post.
I remember damning Valentine's Day as well,
I think I promised to lock myself in a closet for the day.

Well, I managed to stay out of the closet.
I did, however buy a bottle of decent vodka,
made myself dinner,
and rented some bad movies I will deny seeing under threat of death.

Honestly, this is the best way to spend v-day...

I hope that you all have a good night,
and by that I mean I hope you get some.
Now if you will excuse me,

random venting

2006-01-23T02:11:00.000-06:00

I hate being bummed out, even though I realize it will pass, it still sucks.
School has started.
I love school, but it comes with its shitty points too.
Spending 400 bucks on books,
loans being less than I thought,
(there goes that whole car idea...)
a general feeling of not being on top of things like I should be,
the accrual of more debt,
and of course,
the knowledge that my social life is going to be severely limited.
Not that I have much of a social life anyway.

Another shitty thing too is that my roomate is moving out,
not only do I have no one to take the room,
but I will miss her.

I think a big part of what is bummming me out is that I feel kinda lonely.
I know a lot of people,
but hang around very few.
There is always some party going on,
and I suppose I could go to some and meet more people,
but I am such a moron when it comes to social situations.
People seem to talk in a language that I don't comprehend.
Lots of times they are referencing a TV show or movie I haven't seen,
and it makes me feel stupid.
People rarely get my humor.
Maybe I should start watching television or something.
Do I really live in a world where the key to wit is cable?
Guess I am screwed then.
Fuck it.

Maybe I am just getting old.

Yep, thats it. I am old.
Gimma a week and I will have blue hair,
90 cats,
and forget where I put the keys to the car I don't have.

Interesting how when you are feeling crappy your mind turns to age.
I am certainly not where I expected to be.
In school we had to write a story about what we would be like in 10 years.
I said that I would be a award winning journalist in Austin with a big family.
So much for that.
At least I am in Austin I guess.

At 27, I am still trying to get an associates degree,
living paycheck to paycheck,
taking the bus to work,
blah, blah, blah.
.

Ok, sorry.
I will cease the lametastic pity party.
There are really cool things in my life.
(if you know me at all, then you know lists cheer me up...)
1. My myspace song thingy works again. Guess Tom read my last post.
2. I (think) I have finally mastered my new CD burner, and I need stuff to burn. May I borrow your CD case for a night?? Pretty please????
3. School does bring a much needed break from, well... break.
4. I have completed and submitted my app for UT, and I am already drumming my fingers for a response.
5. As every blue girl loves to do, I got my hair fixed up all purdy.
6. And naturally, bought new shoes.
7. Groceries always make me happy. I made homemade Mac'n' cheese, you know, the kind without the powdered cheese?
8. I am so thankful for the warm weather this winter, If I was in PA, I would be shooting people by now. That pesky seasonal affective disorder and all.
9. After 6 years in the south, I have (obviously) managed to maintain my sarcasm. Its been an uphill battle, folks.
10. And the # 10 on this top ten list, (#10 should always be the best one, since it is better to have ten than one) I like my job. A lot.
11. I can still think of more than ten things that me happy.

Ok I feel better now.

waning philosophical

2005-12-29T01:03:00.000-06:00

Sitting outside of work tonight, I was struck with something I can't explain.
I certainly can't name it.
It seems to me that we live in a web of sorts.
Not the proverbial tangled web,
but one with other people.
People wash in and out of another's life in an eternal ebb and flow.
But the connections remain.
Did you ever find yourself thinking of someone and they happen to call?
I often already know who has emailed me before I check it, just a feeling.
Or you see a stranger, but you both feel strongly that you have met before.
That is the connection.
I am not sure it is really ever severed, but it maybe it ages from neglect.
I don't see it as telepathy,
I think it is a different type of energy.
I wonder what it is.

I imagine it operating in a similar way to business networking.
Meeting people in order to possibly develop contacts for the future.
Except in business it is a conscious act,
as in "I play golf with Steve, who is an accountant, maybe he can help."
Where as in the network I refer to, it could be sub/superconscious,
where the people you meet now, may have a profound effect on you later.
And/or vice versa.
It seems like an obvious thing to say. ummm....
Say two people hook up on vacation and fall instantly in love and never realize they went to the same school or something. They meant little or nothing to eachother in the past, but now the connection is entirely different.
It is like a scene in a movie where people who are destined to meet,
pass eachother on the subway.

Who knows.
I am having problems describing this revelation I had after a few Fireman4s.
Go figure.
It is very possible I am realizing how small of a world it is.
Or I am just getting drunk.

So on a lighter note,
what is everyone going to be, uh doing New Years Eve?
Ok. yes. drinking. I know.. But where?
Rumor has it that I am off for the eve, and working for the hangover day.
Bastard schedule. I am gonna try to switch.
It has to beat last year, when I got into a tequila drinking contest at 9 o'clock.
It took me about two days to recover, and I didn't even make it to midnight.
My head hurts just thinking about it.

I have forgone any hope for realistic New Years resolutions,
so am pleased to say that for this holiday my largest concerns are:
how much fun I will have, and what to wear to look cute.
The rest will take care of itself.

listening to silence

2005-12-25T00:21:00.000-06:00

It is a quiet night tonight.
I like it when I am driving around when the city is empty.
Fits my mood.
It is beautiful sometimes when all you hear is nothing,
and sometimes it is desolate,
which also is beautiful--in a tragic kind of way.

For some reason I only like to drive at night,
probably for the emptiness.
I could drive on for hours.
Only there isn't anywhere left to go,
and the sun has to come up sometime.

for the love of...

2005-12-19T03:28:00.000-06:00

Current mood: despondent

This is the third attempt at posting this blog.
The last two inexpicably vanished.

That really pisses me off.

I will try to recap what I wrote that disappeared.

Chrismas is here, no matter how much I try to ignore it.
The holidays always get me down.
I am doing ok at getting through the day, it is the night that is hard.
I think about people that were in my life and aren't any more.
I have made so many mistakes, been hurt, have hurt.
I think about my family, that largely has little to do with me.
I think about people who are far away,
and people who live here, that are still far away.
Distance is not measured in miles.

I have come to some conclusions about my life that I would have preferred to remain ignorant of:
1.) I am seriously flawed.
The people I love rarely love me back. It is not their fault. I think I tend to fall for the unattainable. Not supermodels, but those who have their own issues and don't want to deal with mine. I have heard the "its not you, its me" speech so many damn times that I have realized that it IS me...
2.)I will never have a family.
This one is the most difficult to accept. No matter what my stage in life, I always figured I would meet that someone, eventually get married and have kids. The fact that I am 27 and can't even manage to keep a relationship (see above) is a pretty good indicator this isn't going to happen for me. It sucks because I have to redraw my life's destinations. I envy those old couples who are still in love, and those who have love like I have never felt.
3.) I have managed to keep a safe distance from humanity.
This is not a good thing. I have felt enormous pain at the hands of others. And I do my whole bit, like I can't give a shit less. But really the thing is I cannot trust. When that barrier is overcome, it is inevitable that I will be damaged again. It is a cycle. I love, I get hurt, I get over it, and then I trust/love again, only to get fucked over. This time, I have nothing left in me to start this cycle over again.

So I guess that means I am alone.

There is something I want for Christmas more than anything else. But it isn't anything that I can say, write, or put on a list. The one wish I have is to be loved, despite my flaws. To say I miss those that understood me is an understatement.

Forgive me for being human, fucked up as I am.

rants & etc.

2005-12-12T03:15:00.000-06:00

I had kind of a strange weekend.
I am really not sure if I want to talk about it,
other than to say that people are fucking weird.
I don't get them at all.
Is it just me?
I know I am weird, but damn, people confound me... everytime.
Just when you think you know someone, they fuck it all up.
Fucking people.
Why do we feel the need to be around people?
Why do I spend way too much $ just to deal with people???
I deal with the public at my job, and the public is largely insipid,
so why do I choose to pay the same money I just earned to be around humans?
Maybe I don't even get me.

Being a waitress, I get to deal with all kinds of ridiculousness.
Right now, I am working in a movie theatre/restaurant.
Customers order food through the waitstaff, I bring it.
Not a complicated process.
What gets me is how often people forget what they ordered.
I walk up to them and say..."popcorn?"
8 times out of 10 they look bewildered.
Like "what is this girl speaking of????? Is she even speaking English?"
So I say again, "popcorn?"
And after a pause, one of them remembers that they ordered popcorn.
"Oh that's me."
What gets me is, it says "popcorn" ON THE BOX.
Even if they can't hear me, one should know it is popcorn.
In a fucking popcorn box with "popcorn" written on it in big letters.
This is not difficult.
Strangely enough this happens all the time.
My theatre also sells pizza.
It is pretty damn obvious that it is a pizza.
It looks like a pizza, smells like a pizza.
If I am taking it to your seat,
then most likely it is your pizza.
Today, I take a pepperoni pizza to this group
and I say. "who had the pepperoni pizza?"
And this guy looks at me with this befuddled expression.
"dunno, I ordered a pizza."
WTF?
Can you not see that I am holding a pizza?????????
Sometimes,
I will take an order to a row, and they will claim to never have ordered it.
The trick here is to get another expo to take it.
Because for some reason the 2nd time someone offers it, they remember.
Weird, right?
This doesn't happen with drinks. Don't ask me why.

Don't get me wrong, I really like my job.
And I like the majority of customers.
But quit giving me that "deer in headlights" look when I bring your food.

To prove I am not a total misanthrope,
I will tell you a bit about the customers I appreciate.
I like the ones that say, "thank you."
Because really, a thank you never hurt anyone.
I like people that tell me something is wrong,
let me know-so I can fix it, that is my job.
(It does neither of us any good to for you to be unhappy and tip shitty.)
I like people that ask for water when they ask for the rest of their drinks.
Save me the trip, water is a drink, even if it is free.
Patrons tend to underestimate the value of a smile.
You smile at me, and it changes the transaction for both of us.
This goes along with acknowledging your server as a person.
I don't want to be friends, but I am a person just like you. (but with less $.)

candid statements of self

2005-12-09T03:37:00.000-06:00

Current mood: restless

It is late, I am bored. Nothing new there.
Life has been going pretty well lately, hope you don't mind if I share.
(and if you do, fuck off.)

I like my new job, I get to see movies for free and work with cool people.
I fucking hate this cold fucking weather. (if you like it, move.)
I REALLY need some new myspace photos, interested in helping??
I am drinking my roomate's beer, ha!
Haven't gotten laid in over a month, and still haven't killed anyone... yet.
I desperately need to go grocery shopping.
School is almost over, I can almost feel it. Almost.
Managed to hang on to my sunglasses longer than my last relationship..
I need new socks.
No one reads my blog, or leaves me comments. (this means you....)
I have been looking all hot lately.
Got a 3am text from an ex, (they always come back.)
Recently saw an all female AC/DC tribute band. They rocked.
Hanging out with this badass bella lately...
Saw "Walk the Line" finally. I liked it a lot.
Having cabin fever.
Feeling sociable again.
Dicovered that mastubation is the key to a good night's/day's sleep.
Getting a lot more sleep.
I have 2 tests,
a speech,
and a paper due,
and then this gawdawful semster is over.
Someone, somewhere, is talking about me, or my ear is just ringing.
Dying to go see a good show soon, the need to mosh is upon me.
I am ignoring two bills in my mailbox. (not new)
Already devised a plan to avoid X-mas altogether.
Audrey will be here for a week!!! Yay! I've missed you girl...
I will have a new roomate soon, expect bitching.
In need of a party this weekend.
I wanna see Aeon Flux, even if it sucks, It's Aeon Flux people!
I am still awake. Sorry.
(not sorry)

Secretly, quietly, I still miss the sexy towel,
but that's not news...

anti-holiday

2005-11-25T03:17:00.000-06:00

One of the things I am thankful for...
is that I made it through another holiday without killing myself.

Fuck. Holidays blow. Think about it.

New Years Day:
If you are anything like me, New Year's Day is more like a private hell than a holiday. You are hungover as fuck, and you can't call in sick because everyone else is hungover as fuck. If you don't have to work then you are subject to family meals of pork and sauerkraut and those gawdawful blackeyed peas. A great combo to see later in your toilet.

Valentine's Day:
This holiday should simply be abolished. If you are with someone, you are under pressure to get them meaningful gifts. For women, we try to find that thing you mentioned once, and when we give it to guys, you have obviously forgotten that you mentioned it. For guys it is worse. I hate to say this, but it is true--chicks are hoping for the ring, and if you make any hints at how much we will love your gift, and it isn't a ring, well, hell hath no fury. If you are single then it is just another day for complete self loathing and possible desperate hook up situations. The only time I can rememnber being involved on this holiday, I got a deep fryer which he ended off keeping. Romantic. Next V-day I am locking myself in a closet.

St Patrick's Day:
Nobody really remembers the point behind St. Pat's other than the copious amounts of green beer ingested and then shortly there after regurgitated. But for some reason, next year, we still haven't learned our lesson. What in the hell possesses us to drink that shit? It is the cheapest beer the bar can find, and it is GREEN people! Oh, and we all know you aren't Irish, so we sure as hell won't kiss you, so quit wearing the shirt for fuck's sake.

April Fools Day:
This holiday is a pseudo-holiday. No one gets off of work and we still have to be aware of random people being assholes for no other reason than to laugh at your foolishness for being a trusting human being. I am not usually affected, because people are lousy liars, unless of course they are using the L-word. Next April 1st I am telling everyone that I am really hate them. And I won't be kidding.

Easter:
Another religious holiday that I can't figure out. What is the connection between Jesus and a rabbit with a fondness for eggs? It is a rabbit, not a fucking chicken! Where the fuck do the eggs come in!?! Not to mention the candy and chocolate. I wonder if my great-grandchildren will be worshipping a chocolate bunny that lays eggs. Who am I kidding, I won't procreate. Your grandchildren are at risk though.

Mother's day:
Just call it guilt day and get it over with. Why is it you never call? Why aren't you married yet? I spent 4 bajillion hours in labor with you and look at how you repay me. Flowers?? What did I do wrong by you? I am telling your father.

Father's day:
Guilt day revisited. Thanks for the tie/mug/bottle of bourbon. Your mother wants to know why you are still single. What did we do wrong by you?

Independence day:
Yes yes, our forefathers fought for our freedom from the British, so we could be controlled by fascist American pigs. Let us celebrate by staging fireworks that blow off hand after hand year after year, not to mention the drunk driving accidents. America. Fuck yeah.

Halloween:
Personally, I have no problems with this holiday, because I have no kids.

Thanksgiving:
A decadent feast commemorating the kindness of of Native Americans and then the eradication of their people. Cheerful. Americans suck. So does the dog-eat-dog atmosphere of grocery stores during this thankful season. As do the hours of preparation, presentation, being nice to relatives, (not always yours) and the 3 day cleanup. Wait, what doesn't suck about it?

Christmas:
The mother of all holidays. We put ourselves in debt buying commercial gifts foisted upon us by the media in order to celebrate the birth of Jesus. Riiight.
And there is this Santa person. The only similarity between religious and commercial Christmas is the guilt factor. If you are good you get presents in heaven. If you are bad you get coal in hell. And if you cant afford iPods for everyone then you are most certainly going to hell. This is another fun holiday for the lonely. By 'fun' I mean most would prefer Chinese water torture.

New Years Eve:
Sounds like fun in theory, get drunk to commemorate the closing year and set goals for the new one. For me it is more like, get drunk and depressed since this year was just like the last year, and the year before that, etc. I never did quit smoking, I still don't exercise or eat right, I still haven't found "the one."
This holiday may be the worst because it promises good times and rarely delivers, plus you have the next day (year) to deal with.
(See: New Years Day.)

So for those of you that just love the holidays, fuck you.
You'd better hope that I don't have an Uzi handy when you start whistling Christmas carols.

Currently listening:
Hooray for Boobies
By Bloodhound Gang
Release date: By 29 February, 2000

rambling etc.

2005-11-24T06:23:00.000-06:00

The insomnia is getting worse.
Now it goes both ways. (insert obvious/obnoxious joke here...)
I can't sleep until late and then wake up only a few hours later.
Hence the post at 5 in the am.
I have always been a late night person, but when I finally got to sleep, I slept.
Not anymore I guess.
Tonight I have less than 4 hours.
Last night was the same.
Bleh.
I suppose it could be because I am under a fair amount of stress,
but this is nothing new...
I have a speech to give on Monday that I am totally unprepared for,
A presentation on Wed. with the same difficulty.
I just started a new job (yay!) and will be working a lot.
I have 2 papers to write, and am stuck on a UT essay.
I doubt that these reasons are causing (more) sleeping problems,
simply because I am always juggling 10,535,416,129 things at a time.
What gives?????
I am also feeling apathetic lately.
Don't feel like cleaning the house,
don't feel like cooking,
don't wanna yak on the phone,
don't wanna study.
Maybe it's the stress, but I thrive on stress.
Maybe it is my single status, but it is my choice to stay that way.
Maybe it is the holidays, but I always hate the holidays.
Maybe I need a vacation.

Just so you know I am trying to bore myself to sleep,
if you want to stay awake-stop reading, or rather, don't start.

New stuff:
-Job. I am working at the Alamo Drafthouse on S.Lamar. So far I like it, and I am working on Thanksgiving and Christmas which is fine by me. Less time to be sad about being an island.
-Furface. Apparently he wants to be a chimney sweep. I came home tonight, uh... last night, and his face was all black. I was perplexed until I saw him climbing into the (unlit, of course) fireplace. What the hell is that about????
-Going out. I won't be hitting my usual haunts anytime soon. I am hella broke, and the last three times I went out I got, "hey you are ____'s girlfriend right?" That is so damn annoying. No only do I not recognize the person, but I get to reply, "uh, not lately." And then the awkward silence insues. If you don't know my damned name, please leave me to my drinking, k?
-Sex. I have decided that my next partner can only be Dane Cook, Jon Stewart, or Salma Hayek. No one else need apply. ( I am rooting for you Dane!) Needless to say I'm not holding my breath, 'cuz passing out gets old.
-Pictures. I need some new ones. I made the mistake of sending my mom some photos, and now she wants newer ones. How to explain to her that it is rather strange to ask friends and/or random strangers to take photos of you. (Photos I can send to my mom that is.)
-Movies. I get to see them for free. And I can bring a guest. And I get $10 off the beer tab. I usually don't go to the theater, but if it is cheaper then a rental, why not? No, I already asked, I can't bring the dog. He is in the fireplace anyway.
-Sleep. Now it is 6am and I am still wide awake. Lame. Too bad I can't market whatever is wrong with me. I'd make a mint. Just ask the people who produce, caffine, no-doz, and methamphetamine. (damn thats a long word.) I can see the slogan now, "Be awake and unproductive to society-the natural way!"
-Blogs. Nobody reads mine. Gee, I wonder why. Probably the same reason I rarely get emails, phonecalls or friends. Have people finally figured out that I am a misanthrope? Stupid people.
-Imagination. I apparently have lost mine. If you find it, please throw it in a mailbox or something. Same goes for optimism.

Sorry to bore you, but it is your own fault. I told you people are stupid.
Oh yeah, Happy Thanksgiving and all that crap.

invisible

2005-11-20T01:41:00.000-06:00

So this guy I used to know believes himself to be a magician.

He thinks he can make things disappear, whenever he feels the whim.

I didn't find out about it until recently,
but I had always wondered what had happened to things he seemed to like.
I'd say, "Where did your dog go?"
And he would shrug. "Dunno."

The other thing was that he would talk fondly of people I had never met.
Him: "Yeah, Carl was so fucking hilarious..."
I would wonder, was hilarious? As in, not hilarious anymore?
Me: "Is Carl here in Austin?"
Him: "Dunno."

I started to wonder when the friends I had met were no longer around.
Me: "Where's Tony? Haven't seen him in a while...."
Him: "Dunno."

Other signs were there too.
Mysterious photos on the fridge,
Him: "Oh thats my ex."
Me: "Cute. What happened with her?"
Him: "Dunno."

I guess I was getting too curious, because he showed me his talent.
Him: "I can even make you disappear."
Me: "Oh yeah?"
Him: "It's easy, watch."
He paused for drama, and then made the magic hands....
Nothing happened.
Me: "I am still here."
Me: "Hello!"
Me: ".....Hello?!???"
Then he lit a cigarette and turned back to the TV.
In walks his friend, who says, "What happened to your girlfriend?"
He shrugs and says, "Dunno."

just add water

2005-11-19T13:40:00.000-06:00

Love reminds me of a bubble bath.

You think, well a shower would be more convienent with the same results,
but a voice says, "c'mon, you owe it to yourself to take a relaxing soak."
So you go through all the hassle of cleaning out the tub,
getting out the suds, salts and whatever.
Get the temperature just right,
maybe light a candle,
put on some music,
and grab a book.
It is funny how you are never cold when you are getting in the tub,
you take your time right?
One foot in to test,
a minute later you have both feet in, kicking around the water a bit,
slowwwwly ease your butt in the water,
stretch out your legs, let the heat soak in,
carefully sink down, lower and lower,
until that last moment where you let your body adjust to the hot water,
and then finally relax.
It is right about now that you realize the water is draining out.
The stopper is broke, or you kicked it, or someone is fucking with you.
Just when you were getting used to the hot water, it's gone.
You are now naked, shivering cold, pruny and as vulnerable as a newborn.
Where is that fucking towel?

I have heard the saying, "It is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all."
I say, no thanks, I'll stick with showers.

25 reasons that single is simplistic

2005-11-13T01:58:00.000-06:00

1) I can rent any shit-ass movie I want.
2) I don't feel obligated to be friendly with your friends.
3) No one cares if I wear make up, do my hair, or dress like a girl.
4) I can be a complete bitch without anyone asking if it's my "time."
5) There is no need to explain my whereabouts, who I was with, etc.
6) No one cares about my day. It was boring anyway.
7) I can sleep with a stuffed toy. It is more satisfying. And smells better.
8) I don't have to be anywhere, I am on my own schedule.
9) My dog is happy to see me, that is all that matters.
10) I don't have to say, "It's ok, it happens to all guys."
11) I don't have to fake it.
12) No need to buy that extra toothbrush.
13) There is no longer need to laugh at the jokes that you stole from me.
14) I don't have to make excuses for you to my friends.
15) I don't feel the need "talk you up," you aren't there anyway.
16) No hair, loogies, or other gross shit in my sink.
17) I can cook what I want, replete with all the shit you don't like.
18) I don't have to pretend I like your cooking.
19) No forever long bus trips to watch you play playstation.
20) The seat is never up.
21) Vibrator. Need I say more?
22) No need to baby you when you are sick/do something stupid.
23) I can say/feel however I want without concern that you will take it the wrong way.
24) I never have to agonize over if you care, or if you are angry, or upset.
25) I know you've make a mistake in letting me go. If you don't know it, you soon will.
Fuck, I'm a catch!

divided

2005-11-12T02:18:00.000-06:00

So a week has passed since the breakup,
and I am pretty sure I will live.
I am trying to focus on making things better for me.
Doing schoolwork,
applying to UT,
shit like that.
It has been pretty solitary though.

Anyways.
What else.....
Still jobless, and not sure I care.
Still feeling pretty friendless,
where IS everyone??
Still plodding my way through school.
Still drinking and smoking too much.
Fuck it.
Feeling less rage.
Feeling less everything.
I am trying to embrace my lonely solitude.
It is there whether I am around people or not.
I should have long ago accepted it.

My mother says that I am intimidating because I am both the intellectual,
and the party girl.
Maybe she is right.
I have difficulty relating to my party friends on any other level,
and the intellectuals don't know what to make of me.
I suppose it is similar to being bisexual.
Neither the gay, nor the straight crowds trust me.
I am not in the grey area, I am in both the black and the white.
It seems like in every aspect of my life I am divided on some level.
Both passionate and ambigous.
Equally strong and passive.
The glass is both half empty and half full, isn't it?
Am I the only one that can be happy in more than one catagory?

i'm a loser baby

2005-11-07T00:54:00.000-06:00

As usual I can't sleep and have little to say.
I am single, again.
I am still unemployed.
I am feeling pretty shitty about it all.
I got fired and dumped within a short amount of time.

Funny thing is, I am fucking pissed.
I mean, yeah, sure the ever-present depression is still there,
but I am surprised by the underlying current of rage.
I wish I had a hotel room to go rockstar on,
a punching bag,
or some really potent valium.
I have a generally even temper, so this is unusual for me.
I am doing my best to behave myself,
but I am thinking this is not helping me.
Perhaps I should take up boxing,
or knife throwing.

I am not all that mad at the guy,
though it hurts to think about him.
I deleted my myspace profile,
before the humiliation of him deleting me.
Although I guess he deleted me in the the realspace.
I just didn't want to stick around and see who he replaced me with.
To him I am just another passed opportunity,
I am sure he will continue his happy manipulation.
I should have never believed him.

I suppose my trust is my downfall.
You would think that after taking so many hits,
I would learn.
Perhaps it is my persistence which is my downfall.

So here I am again, picking up the pieces.
Let me tell you,
(who am i kidding, no one reads this...)
there ain't a whole hell of a lot left to pick up.

I can't sleep,
I can't eat,
I can't focus.
I can't even talk about it.
Just as well, since no one wants to listen.
This has been the worst year in a long time,
and I haven't even made it through the holidays yet.
I don't want to feel this hopeless,
I want to be done with sadness,
but I am not sure I know how.

It is times like these that I wished I believed in God.
It would be so nice to have faith in something.

i don't know why i bother

2005-11-03T11:59:00.000-06:00

Well.
So it seems that the optimism from my last post is roadkill.
Not surprised?
Me neither.
Job, gone.
Relationship, doubtful.

I give up.
No really, I mean it.
I am so tired of it all.

They love me for a while, and then they stop.
I can't help but accept that it is me,
I am so inherently flawed that happiness is not an option.
Everytime, I think "ok I won't get hung up on this one."
and then I am convinced that I should.
So I give my love, and find that the object of my affections doesn't really want it.
Then why ask for it????
Why go through all the time it takes to woo me,
just to throw me away once you have me?

The last contact I had with my guy was delivered via text message:
"I want to be able to do my shit without any extra pressure.
If you can handle that we'll be fine."
That was Monday.
I haven't heard from him since.
"extra pressure" apparently means me.
I am such an obligation, I know.
We see eachother once a week.
Last Thursday he got a ride over to my house.
I took him to dinner,
we watched a movie,
and then I took him out for drinks.

Man, what a bitch I am!

The only pressure I put on him is when I say,
I miss you, when can we get together?

I guess that is too much.

This situation is compounded by other shit,
or rather perhaps it is making other shit more difficult to deal with.
It is hard to go job hunting when I can barely get out of bed,
and my eyes are all puffy from that wet stuff that keeps coming out of them.
My closest friends are no where near me,
my nearby friends, well, it seems I don't have any.
Fuck, no one even reads this thing anymore.
I can't motivate myself to even clean the house.
I have spent the past week doing little more than watching CSI.

I am at the end of the proverbial rope.

This is usually when I consider moving away.
It is just that I have moved away so many times,
and nothing changes but the zip code.
No matter how far I go, I am still stuck with me.

new news

2005-10-29T03:07:00.000-05:00

Current mood: hopeful

So here I am at like 2:30am and can't sleep.
So what else is new?
Well lots of stuff...

1.) I finally got my scooter.
Unfortunately, I can't get the balls up to ride it anywhere.
The last time I was on 2 wheels, I wrecked a motorcycle.
That kind of thing sticks with you for a while.
So, everytime I try to take the scoot out, my palms get all sweaty.
I would appreciate any advice from the throttle happy.

2.) The planets seem to be aligning, perhaps in my favor.
I have had a series of bizzare, yet cool, coincidences lately.
That, and the fact I am in love.
I do, as always, fear that the miasma of shitty-love-luck will return,
but I am trying lke hell to not let it hamper my newfound fortune.
I swear, I keep my fingers crossed on a 24 hour basis.
Really!

3.) I have a new job.
Still waitressing, at this insanely run joint.
Today was my first day, and well...
6 people asked me if I was coming back tomorrow.
That is how fucked up it is. Exceedingly high turnover, anyone?
I can't promise that I will be there for very long.
I don't think I like it, and the hours blow goats,
but at least I have something.
For now.
At least they embrace my ink-which is a blessing.

4.) School is going ok.
Speech class is daunting however.
I wish I could have a few shots before class.
Too bad it is at noon.
Why the fuck am I so afraid of that class,
when it is so obvious that I can't shut the fuck up any other time????

5.) I had a great week.
I met some cool folk,
got a bunch of makeup in the mail from mom, (yay!)
got a job without sweating,
got in a student loan check that I forgot about,
got some lovin'... ahem...

6.) It is Halloween! My favoritist holiday.
I am going to be a cheerleader from Nirvana's Teen Spirit video.
And- I get to wear my costume to work
Sweet, huh?
And then after that, I actually have a party to go to!
Where the awesomist guy will be...
The only part that sucks is that I have to work at noon the next day. Ugh.
We shall see how that goes.

Wish me luck.
Good luck that is...

Currently listening:
Demon Days
By Gorillaz
Release date: By 24 May, 2005

calling in all favors and/or love

2005-10-20T17:51:00.000-05:00

Current mood: indifferent

Finally I have joined a group!

That is, the ranks of the unemployed.
This is the third job in a row that I really like until the management changes,
and then it turns as rotten as rancid meat.

I ask kindly of you,
do you have any job leads for a friend???
Can you pay back that 20 bucks I lent you?
Can you pretend you care long enough to buy me a drink?

You can bet your sweet as I need one.
Or 12.
Either way you're buying.

Last night...

2005-10-20T15:37:00.000-05:00

I had the strangest dream.

I went to bed (early for me,)
as I had been talking to friends, family, and those closer,
and they all were going through very similar things.
Some just pissed, some mildly depressed, some in a bad way.
It seems like a lot of people I know are feeling that way right now,
I wonder why?
I have a few theories about how a human psyche can only handle so much
tragedy, war, and other of the like...
But that is a whole other blog.

So anyway,
after talking to my friends, and doing my best to be optimistic for them,
I got off the phone and thought for a while about what I am going through.
Not go into detail, but I am under a nice ton or so of stress,
and it seems to be coming at me from all angles.
I lack the receptacle ear to pour things into,
or if I have it, I ususully can't pour, so to speak.
So I went to bed.

When I woke up I was lying on the floor in the room that I grew up in.
Something was choaking me,
so I reached into my mouth and spit out a nasty lump of stuff.
Then I looked around.
My childhood room was a mess.
Crammed full of CD's, clothes, posters, pictures, letters, strewn everywhere.
There was someone knocking on the door,
but there was so much stuff everywhere, I couldn't get to the door.
I opened the closet door, and decided to pick up,
so I could get to whoever was knocking.
More stuff fell from the packed closet.
So I picked up some of the stuff from around the room,
in an attempt to set it straight, and then realized there was simply too much
to make it tidy.
What was all this junk??
I started looking at the objects that were around me...
Pictures of faces that I never want to see again,
a mix tape full of songs that meant nothing,
a break up letter,
some loser's t-shirt.
All things long buried in the past, or so I thought.

It was only then that I realized that I was dreaming.
These objects had existed once, but I had thrown them away.
But not entirely it seems....
I think I made a visit to my baggage department,
and damn there is a lot there,
to throw away for good this time.

will it ever get easier?

2005-10-11T01:21:00.000-05:00

Hello all (two of you)...
How have things been?

My life has been insane as usual...
Strangely enough, I am still seeing the guy from my last post.
Ok well, seeing may not be the best way to describe it.
Let me explain...
My boy, let's call him ummmm, oh fuck it, I'll just stick to "my boy."
MB lives on the north side of town,
I am southside.
Neither of us own vehicular transportation,
and my schedule is completely nuts.
I work nights at hell, I mean, uh, my job, Thurs-Sat,
and sometimes Sunday when they want to torture me.
I attend school from 12-4 on Mon and Wed,
He works 3 days on, doubles, (generally Wed- Sat.) and has 4 days off.
Basically this leaves (sometimes) Sunday, Monday eve, and Tuesday.
These are the only viable times to do homework, and I have a shit ton of it.
The bus ride from our houses runs 40-50 minutes long, and stops running early.
I can go there, and try to study,
but it is close to impossible since the TV is always on,
there are random parties thrown,
and a bunch of boys, being boys.
He can come here, but is usually bored stupid,
because I have no cable, no game system, and I am well, studying.
Plus I find it hard to get any homework done when the object of my affections is
actually IN my presence.
How in the hell,
am I supposed to make this happen without something missing the attention deserved?
Lately everytime we see eachother, we end off fighting because we never see eachother.
It would be easy to spend Monday eve, and leave sometime Tuesday,
but since my roomie literally lives up her BF's ass,
there is no one here to let the furface out.
So he is feeling I don't make enough effort,
and I am feeling like he hates being at my house.
It is a cycle of me feeling lonely, and when that happens other things suffer:
schoolwork,
friendships,
blogs,
furface,
and MB.

On the upside I am buying a scooter,
which may help or hinder the issue.
It will still take me as long to get to his house as the bus.
(we are talking like 30 mph here people.)
It is too small to carry a passenger,
and it still doesn't solve the problem of who who will let the dog out.
(add in the requisite whoot, whoot, whoot. ha.)
The upside is I will be able to come and go regardless of the bus schedule,
as long as I am not drinking.
(This one worries me a bit.)
And I can go by and see him at work on Wed eve, just to keep the romance rolling.

Why does everything have to be so complicated?
Last time we hung out was enforced by our friends.
They came all the fucking way down here to get me,
went and picked him up at work,
and we finally met up together at a bar close to his house.
There were inherent flaws in this, that I saw coming.
1) I just came from a video shoot where drinking was mandatory. (so I was already pretty up there)
2.) He was just getting off his 3rd double in a row.
3.) We hadn't seen eachother in a while, because of some depression issues an both our parts.
3a.) we hadn't really been communicating about what was going on in our heads.
4.) I had no way home, unless I took the bus the next day, and I had to be at work at three.
4a.) Cabs are really fucking expensive. (thanks Apathy for the offer but I couln't take it.)
So what happens?
My drunk ass decides that NOW is the time to try and sort out what's been (not) going on between us lately.
His tired, drunk ass gets defensive,
and reiterates that "why do we always have to hang out at your house?" thing.
And then he says something about how If I wasn't so fucking worried about my dog,
I could be there at his will.
That pissed me off.
I left.
At 4 something in the morning on the eastside.
Fantastic idea.
Tried to call my roomie, hoping she may be still awake.
Ironically enough she actually IS at the house.
At this point, I am a few blocks from MB's house,
and am too upset to go back.
So I take a long cab ride home in misery.

I try to call him the next day, phone's out.
So I borrowed my roomie's car, sans permission, which I probably wouldn't have gotten,
and drive over there Sunday.
We have made nice, I promised to not try and talk important shit after drinking,
He promised to not allow me to leave angry in the middle of the night.
We realized that we get PMSy around the same time,
and my first inclination is to go towards the one I love,
and his first inclination is retreat from everything.

So we say our sorries, and hug for a time realizing we almost gave up.
Although the problems aren't really solved, are they?

2005-08-21T23:28:00.000-05:00

I am beginning a slow return to the ol' blog I think.
It seems to be a good medium for venting.
Plus, the people I didn't really want to read it,
have forgotten it by now.

It is about 11:30 on a Sunday nite, and I am alone with my boredom.

It amazing that I am able to even communticate with you,
my loyal readers,
considering my PC has come down with a terminal illness.

(virus is an understatement.)

Every single thing I try to do generates this error message:

"[Whatevever you are attemping to do..] .exe has generated errors and will be closed by Windows. An error log is being created."
This includes the internet, Windows apps, installed software, and antivirus software.

Yeah.
This.
Sucks.

I can't even use Word. (again, sucks.)

Unless some kindly computer godmother appears, I have these options:
1] wipe the drive, and reinstall/ restore/hope it works.
2] get a new hard drive
3] break down and bury the Franken'puter, and build a new one.

I, if given the option, prefer the 3rd option.
(I can call it the "Bride of Franken'puter!)

I mean really, ol' Frank takes up 3/4ths of my desk.
I envision 'Bride' as a sexy little laptop,
replete with duct tape and stickers holding her together.

Fantasies, fantasies.

Um, anyways...

News with me:
-Yes, I am still alive, (for all those wondering.)
-Yes, things are going well, (better than usual!) (aside fom the PC problem.)
-Yes, my job still drives me crazy.
-Yes, school is upon me as soon as next week.
-No, I have not seen any shows lately, but I intend for this to change.
-Yes, the website project is completely dead in the water.

That's all for now.

between me and you

2005-08-02T04:01:00.000-05:00

Since the internet is beginning to cease in it’s wonderment, and the only thing my anemic television is offering is the monotonous Carson Daly Show, tonight I write some shit.

Things have been looking up lately, but yet I still feel the incessant need to bitch and ramble and stuff.

This is what I like to do, so sue me.

About three weeks ago I somehow accessed my old email account from RR. I read all these old correspondences from a time when things were bad, and then began to get great (for as long as that lasted...) It was very hard for me to read all the discussions with people I was so close to then, friends etc., and am not close to now. As I was reading all of these emails, about forgotten dramas, gushings, bitchings , and so forth, it made me feel an emptiness, a loss. I think that is when I realized how lonely things had become.

Then, a week later I re-meet someone awesome.

I fear putting it in print will make contentment swirl away like dust, so I cannot even tell you about it. Perhaps from that last statement you can comprehend my “trepidation or elation?” mindset.

Anyhoo,,, in other news I have registered for classes, should be an interesting mixup, philosophy, speech, American lit, and archaeology. I am also taking the latter as a distance-learning course. This means that I will be forced to purchase cable television, as you know I am loathe to do. Really. No really. (Ok, It will be kinda nice to watch TV once and a while.) Honestly! They didn’t have an online course, I swear.

God, I am so dull. If only you knew what was really going on in my head.

Perhaps I am better with the list format:

-There is drama at work the girl who hated me and is now my friend may be getting fired. I feel guilty because I let everyone know that she was bitchy, but essentially harmless. The mean boss might be getting fired too, but he really is an ass monkey.

-I still wonder if firing is contagious.

-I get way more pop-ups than emails, or comments on myspace. And it shuts my browser down, but I login to it constantly.

-I wish my friends would ask my guy if he is my boyfriend yet, so I can know without bringing it up. (high school regression, anyone?)

- I fucking hat spellcheck.

- And list format options.

- Dang it!

- ARRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

- So it seems as though since I tabbed my first 4 entries, I am now relegated to writing only a list and never reverting to the previous paragraph form.

Ok.. crisis averted.

You may be seated...

This is stupid.

I wanted to write because I was feeling creative but it still seems as though I am daunted by something. The bad luck miasma that I have been operating under for a while has only been absent for two weeks, but I already fear the return.

Maybe I should take my own advice, and play the damn lottery as if I want to win.

“You can’t win if you don’t play."
Right?

fragility

2005-07-27T13:49:00.000-05:00

Current mood: nostalgic

When I was a kid I was kind of a tomboy. Not really too surprising, I know. I was an equal opportunity kid though, and wouldn’t pass up Barbies or Matchbox cars, but my favorite thing to do was climb trees.

I remember that once I was navigating a new tree, and made a discovery. It was a nest with bright blue speckled eggs in it. They were tiny, and cartoonish looking. I didn’t want to break them, so instead of touching, I looked at them for a long while.

When I breathlessly told my mother about my discovery she warned me, “Those are robin’s eggs, Kara. If you touch them, or even breathe on them, the mother bird will toss them from the nest.”

I spent that night in the concern only a child can have. I pictured the robins hatching from their eggs, (as fully formed and feathered birds, but just tiny,) and the mother saying, “Out you go, I smell human breath upon you!” and the poor miniscule birds tumbling down before they could learn to fly.

The next day I discovered that the reality was more gruesome. As I approached the tree that specific blue caught my eye on the grass. I knelt down and inspected the tragedy. The egg was flattened by the fall, and surrounded by a viscous fluid. I swear I can still remember the smell of yolk.

What had I done?

I looked up at the nest, and saw it in tatters. I knew that I was no help for this fallen orb. I stepped carefully around the tree and came across another egg. This one was intact all for a small hole at the very bottom. I picked it up, and looked in the hole. The egg was hollow. It had survived the fall, only to be sucked empty by some predator. I looked around for the mother bird, but obviously I had done all the damage I could do. I palmed my find to protect it, but my six-year-old hand had all the gentleness of a giant, and it shattered. When I opened my hand, shell pieces the size of salt were taken by the wind.

I sat dejectedly in the grass. My breath had killed tiny robins. What kind of monster was I?

That is when I saw another egg.

Like a cat, I crept closer to it, stared at it. It was unbroken, no cracks, no smelly fluid, no puncture hole. It was perfect. Childish glee washed over me, my tarnished past could be redeemed! I could save one mini-robin! As softly as my awkward kidness could permit, I picked up the egg and took it home. I made a little bed for it, talked to it, prized it, cherished it, and every morning I checked to see if a teeny robin had replaced the egg. When I found out that birds need warmth to hatch I covered it with a blanket. It was loved.

One day I was showing the egg to my friend and disaster happened. With lightning quickness it fell from my hands. My clumsy attempt to save it failed. My object of adoration was in a splintered pile at my feet. Neither the king’s horses, or his men could have fixed it. I, the only one who loved it, crushed it.

I don't know why I felt compelled to tell you this. I think there is a moral to the story, but I am not sure exactly what it is.

Currently listening:
Wish You Were Here
By Pink Floyd
Release date: By 25 April, 2000

dang

2005-05-29T00:38:00.000-05:00

dang

Hey folks just wanted to drop a line and let you know that my phone is
out this weekend. Not becasue I haven't paid the bill (believe it or
not) but because I haven't updated my address, and according to my
phone company it makes perfect sense to cut off service without
warning on a holiday weekend for this reason, even though I don't get
a bill, I view them online.
Even crappier is that said genius phone company is closed on said
holiday weekend. So now I gotta wait til god knows when.
Still crappier is that the AC in la casa has taken a shit, and the AC
guy is also on holiday- unless he tried to call me back, in which case
I wouldn't have gotten the call anyway.
Just further proof that my life is defined by irony.
So help me out, and shoot me an email to keep me entertained as I
sweat to death in my own house.

Please

2005-05-29T00:35:00.000-05:00

riday, May 13, 2005

Current mood: other

Save me from this blankness,
This loneliness,
This nothing.

Paint the white walls of my soul
Scrape the flaking black from my heart,
And dabble your brush on a new canvas.

Laugh at me when I cry,
Hold me when I fear,
Love me when I love.

Scribble across my thoughts
Remind me of optimism,
Tell me the stories of your dreams.

Challenge my conceptions,
Tear off my perceptions,
Make reality questionable.

Question me.
Give me a query worth a reply,
Offer me a reason to believe in the unconditional

Donâ€™t listen to me,
Feel me, know me,
Tell me there is someone there.

Heal these wounds I carry,
Make love like a syringe,
And pull me all the way out.

Tell me with certainty,
That I am wrong,
And it is all-really worth it.

Currently listening:
Mr. Brightside, Pt. 1 [Canada]
By The Killers
Release date: By 07 December, 2004

Leave your backdoor open, and the strays will come in

2005-05-15T04:16:00.000-05:00

Current mood: fuck off

What the fuck am I doing online at 3:13 am?
Damn good question...

I missed another show tonight that I really wanted to see.
Sorry Shrapnel, next weekend, I am there.

I realize that not only is my new job NOT fun,
I hate it deep within the depths of my soul.
If there is anything in this world I can count on, it's irony.

I haven't ever figured out the motivating factor,
for humans to be assholes to one another.
I mean really.
It's called evolution, try it sometime.
Austin is plauged with a disease that I like to call "too-cool-for-you."
For an example, you walk into the local movie rental place,
and the chick at the counter is too busy being cool to take your money.
I deal with this every damn day.
And now I get to deal with it at work. yay!!
Yes, honey.
You are the coolest, most unique,
composition of flesh and genetic material that has EVER EXISTED in the fucking span of all time.
There. I have paid homage to your greatness.
Now can you possibly turn your jaded cool ocular orbs on the movie I want to check out
so I can return to my, like, totally lame life?
Thanks, yeah.
In return I will glady ignore your tipjar.
(A tipjar at a rental place?? who are we kidding here?)
As I stumble in a decidedly uncool way out of your radar,
feel free to shake your head at my un-hipness.

The thing is, it is nice to feel cool.
Don't lie, everyone wants to pretend that they are original,
everyone would like to believe that they are envied for some reason.

Trust me, if you are guilty of throwing Nietchsze in irrelevant conversation
in order to make yourself sound intelligent,
or if you complain that as soon as you start wearing something,
everyone else does too!
(you trendsetter you!)
or, Jesus, you are so "indie" that it hurts to look at you, for Christ's sake,
then you know who you are.
Give me a fucking break.

The only possible way to be cool, is to be real.
Really, it ain't so hard.
Maybe it is because I am gettin on in my years-
but I tend to think the people that look
"cool"
have desperation written all over them.
Is it just me?

Other things new with me:

My metabolism seems to have come to a halt.
(oh god! not junk in the trunk!!)
Fuck it, all I need is a good 48 hour flu to be 10 lbs lighter.

I think I may need a vacation from the drunken debauchery that has become my life. Maybe a trip to PA.
Or,
fuck it,
Maui.

Some firings have taken place since my last confession,
no, I don't feel like Donny Trump, I feel bummed.
Fuck that too.
We girls gotta look out for numero uno, si?

Now that the barrage of tests and homework have ceased,
I am bored again.
Not a real shocker there, I know.

I have about a month and half til I turn 27.
Uhhhh, I mean, until I have my third annual 25th birthday,
and I need to make plans...
Anyone know of anything fun going on 'round the 4th?

And to end this post in the most random fashion ever...
I was typing this when something caught my eye.
I looked up, and in my kitchen is a little black kitten.
Just looking straight at me, not moving.
Furface is sleeping,
otherwise this might be a funny account of the age old cat/dog thing.
Instead this serves as a fucked up title.
Kudos to those who gets my ambiguity.

Awww, cute and feral.
Just how I like 'em.
(Damnit.)

Currently listening:
Beverly Hills Pt.1
By Weezer
Release

have I mentioned?

2005-05-12T02:15:00.000-05:00

Current mood: annoyed

how I am a poster child for doing stupid things?
Just ply me with a few drinks and wait...
I am sure to do something stupid for your amusement.
The little person in my brain bangs her head on the steering wheel, saying,
"Here we go again."
And then I spend the next few days bemoaning my idiocy,
and then go take a few shots to induce selective amnesia,
and yep, you guessed it, I will probably manage to do some more stupid shit.
Never a dull moment folks!

Oh well, fuck it.
What do you need dignity for anyway?
I guess so you can spend a week kicking yourself in the ass.
I am better off without it.

Another weekend almost here, another week gone by.
I still haven't written that book,
or won the lottery,
or came up with that invention,
or got a shot in the dark,
or found that fabulous job.

I remember this place.
I have been here so many times before.
This is where you say, "well, at least it can't get much worse,"
and then, inevitably and inexplicably, it does.
Fuck!

Currently listening:
Paranoid
By Black Sabbath
Release date: By 25 October, 199

ranting as usual

2005-05-04T02:14:00.000-05:00

rambling and ranting, the usual
Current mood: blah

Welcome one and all to three in the morning.
I have not one, not two, but THREE finals tomorrow.
Then its over.
For now.
And of course in die-hard insomniac fashion, I can't sleep.
Fuck it.
My brain is fried from studying,
I can't think about probablility,
the legislature,
or plate techtonics anyfuckingmore tonight.
I have done all the prep I can do, it is now out of my hands.
Wish me luck, and all that shit that you won't bother to do anyway.

I ventured out last night and saw this band called Opaque.
They were playing at 710, one of my favorite spots.
Their set was really short, but very tight.
If you like tool with a pinch of NIN, than you'd like these guys.
What sucks about 710 is the acoustics, and the quarter size stage.
Every show I see there, the music drowns the vocals,
and the band looks like they fear falling off stage by moving around too much,
and it was no exception the other night.
But from what I could hear, this band has their shit together.
The last song they played was pretty damn sweet,
(I don't know the name since there was little audience interaction...)
Check 'em out, they are myspace addicts like the rest of us,
I am just to lazy to link to them right now.

Other than that, life has been pretty dull lately.
I could really use a massage,
(no, not the "excuse-to-cop-a-feel-massage" a real one.)
and someone to clean my house,
wash the dog,
fix my bike, mow the lawn, etc.
My roomie's boy was nice enough to fix the light in my room.
Yay!
Roomie says "see, this is why you need a boyfriend."
I say, "no, this is why I need a maintenance man."

It was nice to see her though.
Even though we live together she is never here for longer than an hour.
I was getting to the point where I was feeling like she was no longer a friend,
simply because we never hang out.
But, she is doing her thing, and I am doing mine, and life goes on.
She lives vicariously through the stories I tell her about dates I went on,
the strange emails I get,
the literally fucked up phone calls in the middle of the night,
the random bizarre situations I manage to get myself into,
and laughs at me when I get my excited about someone.
She knows how I am.

If someone I am dating acts in a way that I wouldn't accept from my friends,
then he or she is "fired."
(It makes sense really. If I would be bummed if my friend did it,
then why would it be forgivable from anyone else?)
So I like to tell her the situation,
and ask her if she thinks that the offense is grounds for termination,
or just a verbal warning.
So far, she has liberal in telling me to hand out pink slips,
and I tend to agree...

I have had that kind of luck lately.
I went to lunch with dude who I have hung out with for two, three months now.
For some unknown reason he decided to tell me that he prefers larger women,
and that I could use a little more "junk in the trunk."
Sure dude. I will get right on that.
It is not as if I lost any weight since we met,
so if I'm not zaftig enough to turn him on, why approach me in the first place??
Needless to say he has been fired,
but I feel no ill will, and wish him luck finding what he is looking for.

My Human Resourses department,
(Roomie)
also feels that the couple of rocker boys out there that always say they wanna hang, and then don't...
should also be fired, or at the very least, demoted.
I fight the good fight,
and say "they're busy, I'm busy, it works out."
To which she replies, "yeah, busy fucking with your head."
Girl has a point.

This is why I need more female friends.

For the time being, I guess I will have to screen new applicants.
The pay sucks, but the benefits are worth it.

Currently listening:
Battle of Los Angeles
By Rage Against the Machine
Release date: By 02 November, 1999

random crap

2005-04-30T00:10:00.000-05:00

Current mood: fucking bored

Stuff you (probably) don't know about me:

-The light in my bedroom has been out for days because I can't reach it.

-I always type "becasue" wrong. My fingers are dyslexic, I think.

-My favorite colors are orange and grey, even though I typically wear black.

-I have wired a house, but hooking up a stereo confounds me everytime.

-Enchiladas are my comfort food.

-I once had 10 piercings, but am down to 6.

-I got a little crazy with the super glue the other day and attached my fingers to my watch, and my watch to my desk. (Yes, by mistake!)

-I haven't been home to see my mom or brother or friends in 3 years. I miss them every day.

-My math skills are atrocious, but at least I can spell.

-I have an affection for lists.

-I could really use a cigarette right now.

-Just when I start to think the human race isn't so bad after all, someone changes my mind.

-The dog is barking incessantly at nothing at all. This is nothing new.

-I may be developing an addiction to myspace.

-Sometimes I get lonely, but most of the time I just want to be left alone.

-I had a dream last night that I shaved all my hair off, but when I looked in the mirror it was really long. I have no clue what that means.

-It bugs me that I am devoid of any musical talent. I chalk it up to irony.

-I have never mowed a lawn. If you have seen my yard, you know this is true.

-I've never had a nickname, or had a song written for me. I suppose this is a good thing, I haven't had a cruel nickname or been the subject of a sad song.

-My bologna doesn't have a first name. I am not in the habit of naming my lunch. Perhaps I should start.

-I need another cigarette.

-Sometimes I forget that "being honest" doesn't necessarily mean "saying everything on my mind." This gets me in to a lot of trouble.

-This list may be edited for content when I am feeling less honest.

-To the three of you still reading at this point, I extend my sincerest apologies. I am quite sure you have something better to do.

-I think the horsemen of the apocalypse are less of a concern then the loss of my internet connection.

-I am not real sure where I was going with this list, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. (like most things that aren't really good ideas.)

Currently listening:
Led Zeppelin 1st
By Led Zeppelin
Rele

hmmmmm

2005-04-29T15:09:00.000-05:00

Current mood: thinkin'

I am realizing that my new job may not be all it is cracked up to be.
This worries me.
My last gig, I would only work thurs-sat, and still have money to put in savings.
This one, I made like about a bill last week.
I am not pleased with this.
Really, 'not pleased' is putting it lightly.
I have a few options:

a.) grovel for old job back, but this involves ass-kissing -which as I assume you can fathom, is not my forte.

b.) take my friend's advice and start stripping in my spare time, but I doubt this will work. I have no issue with nudity, I think my issue is with safety, the safety of the people that are sure to piss me off in such a climate.

c.) get a real job. (ie: that has a day shift and I have to dress like a stiff, ugh.) the only benefit here is that insurance can be a beautiful thing when you tend to abuse yourself as I do. But such an endeavor could be tricky with my ever present course load.

d.) Utilize my talents, as my high school counselor was fond of saying, and create the field of "professional concert goer." With as many show as I see, It is almost a given that I am truly an expert by now. Unless my favorite publication (hey there Rank and Revue!) happens to be looking for absolutely inexperienced but still somewhat talented writer who loves and lusts for Austin's rock scene, I am outta luck.

Obviously b is the only completely left field option.
Perhaps I should get my resume together, and start writing some shit to sell.
As usual any opinions, and/or advice would be appreciated.

Currently listening:
Union
By Puya
Release date: By 12 June, 2001

meaningless shit you don't want to read

2005-04-28T00:15:00.000-05:00

Current mood: listless

12.01am, and no beer.
What is the world coming to?
I suppose I could go out, but funds are severly restricted.
That and it is wed nite,
=ain't much going on.

This weekend is going to be fun for everyone but me I think.
George Clinton is playing at Auditorium Shores,
Eeyore's b-day,
pecan street festival,
The Big Nasty @ Stardust,
Shrapnel, By any Means Neccessary, and Powderburn @ backroom.
And I gotta work.
This must be karma from a past life catching up with me.
Fuck.
I think I need to get a real day job,
so I can be a 9pm rockstar,
as opposed to a 4am trainwreck.

I am really beginning to think I was hitler in my last incarnation.
That is the only thing that could explain my luck in the past week or so.
It's funny because 2-3 weeks ago I was the fucking shit,
atop the whole damn world.

Ah well, bad things come,
and good things go,
and such is the state of affairs.
I try not to let anything really get me down,
but, it doesn't help to have the same damn sad song playing in your head,
OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!!!!
The song stuck in my head is really pretty, and I love the tune-
but fuck man it has been in my head for like,
I dunno, a week and a half straight?!?!!?
Why couldn't I get stuck with something upbeat,
Sublime?
or Blues Explosion?
or "Today is the greatest..."etc by the Pumpkins.
No, instead I have Linda Perry singing about drug addiction and suicide.

Cheery fucking stuff folks.

So now I'm listening to Acid Bath which is pretty dark,
but at this point I will listen to Brittney "street trash" Spears
in order to change my inner soundtrack.
(hmmm, ok, I take it back, no I wouldn't.)

I promise to cheer up.
Really I do!
Now go get me a beer.

"find myself awake counting sad days
1-2-3 that's too many for me " (aaaargggghhhh!!! make it stop!!!)

Currently listening:
Paegan Terrorism Tactics
By Acid Bath
Release date: By 29 October, 1996

witty title goes here

2005-04-23T02:18:00.000-05:00

I quit...
Current mood: hopeful and depressed

No really.
I mean it this time.
Apparently I am from a different planet.

Today was most likely the worst day of my life.
(I am sure more bad days are to come, hence "most likely")
I get an email terminating a friendship. (An email!)
Someone who I felt was a best friend decided that it wasn't enough.

Ouch.

Obviously this called for heavy drinking.

After making like 15 bucks at work,
and being despondent,
I called all my Austin friends...
Several times.
Answering machine, voicemail, busy signal. Repeat.
I got it all, but no real people.
Dude, I am there for all of you when you need me.
WTF???

Anyways.
I went to the backroom and played pool by myself for a few hours.
I didn't think it was possible, but I lost to Myfuckingmotherfuckingself..
Yep.
Scratched on the 8 ball of all fucking things.

Tonight's only consolation was the velvet purple sky.
And a late night phone call...
For whatever reason you like me enough to play me songs on the phone.
I really needed that.
Thank you, you know who you are.

Fuck today.
Can we just skip ahead to tomorrow?

Currently listening:
Essential Bob Dylan
By Bob Dylan

long ass blog

2005-04-18T01:12:00.000-05:00

Current mood: amped the fuck up

So I just got off of work.
For some reason I am always exhausted when I go in,
and amped the fuck up when I get out.
Go figure.
Could be the music I am listening to...
(in fact give me a sec to bop around the apartment.)
...
(ok, back.)
I had a crazy cool week/end.
I didn't get shit accomplished. Oh well.
It was not much of a toss up:
math homework or live music....
no contest folks.

Weds I met up with this hottie and we stumbled across
this badass bluesey rock band, John McVey and the Stumble,
which just so happened to be the first band I saw in when I moved to Austin,
and haven't had the opportunity to see them since,
and they were playing in the same bar that I saw them in 5 years ago.
Weird.

I missed the Vespirian Sorrow show on Friday, (sorry Donni, next time for sure)
because I was convinced to go downtown with some new friends.
I met up with them at the bitter end, (aka. frat boy/sorostitute heaven)
During our time there I did nothing but try and get outta there,
oh and get hit on by frat boys.
Why why why, would a frat boy EVER think that I was interested???
Or better yet why the hell would they be interested in me,
considering we come from different fucking galaxys?
I shudder to consider the motive.
Eww.
Anyway, the party decides to move elsewhere.
To Oslo of all fucking places.
If you don't know what Oslo is,
it is one of those "oh-so-trendy-velvet-rope" dance clubs.
It was there that I drew the line.
I probably pissed off my new friends,
(if so, It was not intended...)
but there was NO FUCKING WAY I would set foot in that place.
I have dignity, people. Dignity!
So I hightailed it solo to the Ritz, where I proceeded to do numerous tequila shots.
It worked, I felt better immediately.
I've never been so out of my element, and it wasn't pretty.
Let us not speak of this again.
...
I then was rescued from downtown debauchery by this awesome, kickass guy,
but the time has not yet come for that blog.
ahem, anyways....

So Saturday night I went to go see this band called
The Big Nasty.
If you ever get the chance to see these guys, do it.
They have the raw energy of AC/DC and the sexy sound of Zeppelin,
with some southern style of Black Crows thrown in for good measure.
Go see these guys before they start selling out arenas, ok?

I only got to catch half the set since I had to work.
Fucking work, always getting in the way of my fun.
I had an Audioslave ticket, but I had to work.
So be it.
I am desperate for the cash anyway,
and I passed on the ticket to a very deserving individual,
so all is well with the world.

Thursday is the Black Label Society show,
which I am totally geared up for.
Kenny, get your fucking shift covered already,
since you're the one that got me into them to begin with.
And Matt, I will kick you ass at pool, please don't shit yourself. K?

This blog is entirely too long, I know.
Dont say you weren't warned.

"I do not play no blues, I play rock 'n roll" -Jon Spencer

Currently listening:
Acme
By Jon Spencer Blues Explosion
Release date: By 23 June, 1999

all work and no play etc etc,,,,

2005-04-09T00:25:00.000-05:00

Current mood: irate

Fuck.
I am feeling really violent today.
I think I know why...
I am going through concert withdrawl.
I have been so fucking busy-I'm becoming a basket case.
It is finally warm enough to go see some out door shows without wearing a burka,
and I am stuck working.
I'm working 5 days a week, and have school for the other two.
Not too bad, but they keep giving me morning shifts...
Don't they know I get up just in time for my evening shifts?!
So instead of blowing out my eardrums on red river, I'm stuck trying
to make my insomniac self sleep at night for a change,
so I am not a zombie when I get to work at 10 am.
It doesn't work.
It doesn't fucking WORK!!!!
I still can't sleep.
I am still a zombie at work.
At this rate I may as well go out anyway, but I really can't go to work still drunk, which is what would happen if I went out tonight.
This is my what second, third weekend where I sit at home dicking around online?
Pathetic.
Well, at least I will be busy next week:
Friday, Vesperian Sorrow @backroom (if I can leave work early...)
Sunday, Audioslave @ Austin Music hall (not metal, I know, I know. fuck off)
Thursday, Black Label Society @backroom.
Anyone know any other good hardcore shows coming up?
I need to get out some aggression.
C'mon, I'm dyin here...

Currently listening:
Vulgar Display of Power
By Pantera
Release date: By 25 February, 1992

la la la do do dododoooo

2005-04-09T00:19:00.000-05:00

For fuck's sake...
Current mood: terminal boredom

Some how I managed to get the assloads of homework I had to do, done.
So now what?
Funny how when I actually finish the crap on my to do list I get immediatly bored.
Here it is 10PM on a Tuesday.
I could go out!
Oh no, I'm broke because I'm waiting for my job to start and can't spend any $.
Fuck.
I could call some peeps to come visit!
But my house is a wreck,
and if they wanted/had time to hang, they'd call me.
I guess I could... clean the house!
Ugh. Nah.
I could fuck around on the internet like I always do and pretend its fun today for some reason...?
Yawn. I am boring myself....

Currently listening:
Vol 3: (The Subliminal Verses)
By Slipknot
Release date: By 25 May, 2004

Chemistry is a complex science,

2005-04-06T11:23:00.000-05:00

(Current mood: comtemplative/buzzed)

but it's easy to recognize if it's present. Or not. At least for me.

The new blog/meeting people online thing is pretty new to me,
prior to my addition (addiction?) to it I was a fan of the Austin Chronical online personals.
I like this venue better, mainly for the simple lack of the word "personals."
I know, I know, it's all a matter of semantics, but let me dwell within my illusions (delusions?)..
The implication of the term "personals" smacks of desperation.
I realize that blind dating has come a long way.
Your great aunt Ruth is no longer picking up chicks for you at the supermarket,
but there is still the stigma...

I met S.U. online, (my last serious boyfriend, and one of my current best friends,) and we hit it off right away. I probably would have never met him otherwise, so I have to give credit where it is due.
S.U. was the first person I had met through the "personals,"
and looking back on it, it was a matter of pure luck that we got along so well.
But there was always that awkward moment when you are asked:
"So how'd ya'll meet?"
My reply to Mom was a complete fabrication:
"At the laundromat. yeah. We had a facinating discussion over the rinse cycle."
See, if I had met him on my space I could have said:
"On an online friendship network."
Or some such bullshit.

Yes, meeting online has it's advantages, such as an idea to how much another person's interests match your own.
But do those similarities mean that the two of you (or three for you swingers,)
are meant to be? (Or meant to be this week?)
I have my doubts....
Between the new site and Auschron, I have talked to lots of folks,
exchanged email addys with a few, exchanged numbers with even less,
and met about 10 in person.
With the exception of 2-3 people, of all the things that we had in common,
the chemistry just wasn't there.
(I am not talking about lust, just the rapport that you have with the people that you end off keeping in your life, in one capacity or another.)
(that said, the few I did feel some chemistry with are just as busy as me, but that is another blog altogether.)
(sorry for the gratuitous use of parenthesis, I have punctuation ADD.)
I am not suggesting that I should run off and date a right wing republican frat boy, I want do to meet people I have something in common with....

But "friendship network," or what ever we decide to rename "personals,"
can't predict chemistry, and damn, that chemistry is a powerful thing.

They see you, you see them, they play the "look at you, look away, get caught looking at you again," game....

Maybe I just need to detach myself from the computer and get outta the house.

Currently listening:
Bloody Kisses (Dig)
By Type O Negative
Release date: By 17 May, 1994

2005-04-03T03:20:00.000-05:00

you know you are bored when:
Current mood: wide awake damnit

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Incognita
Birthday:	July II
Birthplace:	Austin, TX
Current Location:	Same
Eye Color:	brown
Hair Color:	various
Height:	5'4 in boots
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
Your Heritage:	My parents were hippies-does that count?
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Frye boots
Your Weakness:	beer
Your Fears:	boredom/ No beer
Your Perfect Pizza:	jalepeno and pineapple
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Learn how to walk in stilettos I will never wear anyway
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	lol. But it gets the point across...
Thoughts First Waking Up:	noooooooo
Your Best Physical Feature:	you tell me
Your Bedtime:	4am
Your Most Missed Memory:	my what?
Pepsi or Coke:	Pepsi or diet coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:	yeck, neither.
Single or Group Dates:	one on one
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	rasberry tea
Chocolate or Vanilla:	mexican vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	coffee, black
Do you Smoke:	yep
Do you Swear:	like a sailor
Do you Sing:	yes
Do you Shower Daily:	of course
Have you Been in Love:	more than once
Do you want to go to College:	already there...
Do you want to get Married:	are you proposing?
Do you belive in yourself:	to an extent
Do you get Motion Sickness:	nope
Do you think you are Attractive:	i'm alright, for a white girl
Are you a Health Freak:	no
Do you get along with your Parents:	yes
Do you like Thunderstorms:	who doesn't?
Do you play an Instrument:	kazoo
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	is this a trick question??
In the past month have you Smoked:	duh.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	nope, i'm high on life. (and lonestar beer)
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	several
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes, for work shirts
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no. box of thin mints, maybe.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	no way man.
In the past month have you been on Stage:	rock n roll karaoke after 4 shots of tequila and 5 beers
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no that was last month.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	can't say that I have.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	pens from the bank. (not the chained ones, not that much of a rebel)
Ever been Drunk:	good god who writes these things?
Ever been called a Tease:	am i still answering this crap?
Ever been Beaten up:	yep
Ever Shoplifted:	nope
How do you want to Die:	chinese water torture. i mean really what an asinine question.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	professor
What country would you most like to Visit:	England
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	who cares?
Favourite Hair Color:	again no preference
Short or Long Hair:	doesn't matter
Height:	taller than me. (doesn't take much)
Weight:	non-issue
Best Clothing Style:	original
Number of Drugs I have taken:	Oh we are back to me now eh?
Number of CDs I own:	less than i want
Number of Piercings:	6
Number of Tattoos:	10
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	3
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Currently listening:
Danzig III: How the Gods Kill
By Danzig
Release date: By 18 June, 2002

cheating

2005-03-30T01:15:00.000-06:00

Current mood: bored/tired

It was rather rewarding to give my notice at my current job. Although I know I will miss my co-workers alot. I tend to dissapear from people if they don't stay in contact with me, but I am making a solemn oath to not forget my crew.
I am listening to 101x and actually enjoying it-on friday nights at midnight or so they play real metal. Sweet. It is nice to hear Slayer on the radio. I am tiring quickly of the nu-metal they usually subject me to.

Sooo....
I have been cheating on blogger, and joined a very popular "friend network"

Don't even try to find me,
Incognita exists only for your blogger pleasure.
The new venue is kinda weird.
I get friend requests from people who never even send me an email... What is the point of that? It must be like instant gratification, a friend without the effort of conversation. I say, what kinda friend is that? For pete's sake send an email so we can determine if we have absolutely anything in common, otherwise I doubt I will approve the request, unless of course you are really hot. (kidding!)

Currently listening:
Reign in Blood
By Slayer
Release date: By 12 March, 2002

return of the blog

2005-03-26T00:13:00.000-06:00

Current mood: unsettled

I tried to quit. Really I did. I am not sure if it is the Lonestar or the mascara smearing insomnia that makes me decide to type my meaningless thoughts online for no one to see. Probably a combination of the two.
I hate this time of night when even my friends in earlier time zones are asleep.
I can only read my favorite blogs so many times, I am too buzzed to do homework, it is too close to last call to go out, and yours truly is wide awake.
Fuck.
Well lets see what is new with me...
I am re-single. (this really isn't news is it? old news at best...)
School is an iron burden on my brain this semester, (also nothing new...)
I have to write a 5 page paper on "Death of a Salesman."
For Christ's sake isn't that a cliche by now? Are there no other plays?!?!
I guess that is what I get for taking Lit at community college.
Let's not talk about school right now, ok?
...
ooo, good news--
(drumroll pleeze,)
I have a new job!
No more greasy hamburgers and scooping ice cream for me folks!
By the grace of what ever diety suits me today, I managed to get a job at my favorite Mexican place right down the street from la casa.
Maybe this is the beginning of my (hopefully longlived,) lucky streak.
Now I am facing with the delicate task of having training at one job, and living through the last two weeks at the old one, simultaneously. Oh, and my courseload cannot be overlooked.
You know me, nothing is ever easy.
I am starting to think I operate best when things are complicated.
So be it.
In other news I will be starting to chew a lot of gum:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4361563.stm

and there is proof to that old silver lining adage:

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/03/17/world/main681440.shtml

'til next time-
k

Currently listening:
Verdi: Aida/Il trovatore/Puccini: Madama Butterfly/La Rondine/Tosca/Turandot
By Leontyne Price
Release date: By 12 August, 1997

how to spend your whole savings in one day (and then some)!

2005-02-23T07:28:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a fun filled action packed adventure!
I bought my skates for the derby tryout,
and went for a pratice run.
It is funny how you can forget how to do something after 15 years.
Who'da thunk it?
Well, I was discouraged but not gonna give up.
Then I start feeling a stange pain in my side.
Thhree hours later, I can't even think it is so painful,
Had to call family to take my to the ER.
I wait for two hours.
When I am finally seen I am in excruciating pain,
so they think I have appendicitis.
I go through the usual ER crap.
The requisite urine sample, the useless vernture through triage,
a 20 minute interview about my (lack of) insurance, family history,
"sign here, here, over here, initial here, and have a seat."
and the poor people paperwork.
Finally they IV me and give me pain meds.
I have 10 tattoos, and am not bothered by getting blood taken,
but to have a needle taped in your elbow just seems like pain waiting to happen.
But hey, I was happy to see that IV when it meant immediate pain relief,
that is how bad I felt.
So I sit for a while.
......
......
......
And then I get an ultrasound,
and then a cat scan,
(yes for real,)
Later I call Rommie,
explain situation,
and say yes I will to be better in time enough to tryout for roller derby!
(pain meds talking, i am sure...)
After 9 hours in the ER they divined the elusive nature of my diorder.
I have a kidney infection.
A sonagram and a cat scan for a kidney infectio.
The thought of that looming bill frys my brain,
but I am damned happy to get that IV out of my arm.
Ugggggghhhhh...
It is now 5 in the morning as I am realeased from the ER,
with nothing to show for it but a prescription and a few new bracelets.
I call a cab.,
specify use of credit card for said cab,
cab shows up,
doesn't take credit card.
Call another cab,
specify use of credit card for said cab,
Cabbie says he knows where I can get my prescription filled at that hour.
Really he just wants me to fill prescription so I can get cash back,
and pay him in cash.
Fine.
Dick.
So I pay the dude.
In cash.
Do I want him to wait while the RX is filled?
I say I'd rather have another IV.
Naturally The prescription was $99.98.
I paid it without blinking because the pain meds I was on were quickly fading.
Then I took the bus home, took the pills,
And prompty threw them all back up.

Not gonna make it to school today, much less RD tryouts.

~my life, brought to you by irony.

so, as if I don't have enough to do...

2005-02-19T00:47:00.000-06:00

Today I was kinda feeling the ache of all work and no play.
Life has been pretty dull lately.
(as if you haven't noticed..)
And then all the sudden I decided...

I am going to join the roller derby!!!
(Ta da!!!!)

(well, If they will have me that is...)

I am going to tryout for the roller derby!!!
(more accurate, although with somewhat less "pop" )

Yes yes, the roller derby.
(never heard of a roller derby? click here.)
Roomie is a roller girl, and although she hasn't picked a team yet-
she really loves it.
Plus, I suppose that it is pretty cool to be a roller girl.
It is a great work out,
a social network,
a chance to let out a little aggression.
You even get cheerleaders!
Now who could say no to that?

Really, I shouldn't have the time to spend on it,
I have plenty of work, school, and homework to occupy me for a lifetime.
But what fun is that?!?!
I think getting and giving some ass kicking on the weekends just might lighten me up.

Problem is,
well...
two problems:
1.) I haven't put on a pair of roller skates is almost... ummmm.... shit, 15 years?
To my credit, I roller bladed for like, a week within those years.
2.) I have never been in a fight that I have won, or started.
I am kinda a pacifist,

but I love hockey!

Roller derby is kinda like hockey,
except there are no sticks,
no ice,
no pucks,
no goalie,
no men,
more cheerleaders and heavy metal bands,
roller skates instead of ice skates,
and no masks.
Let me rephrase:
Roller derby is nothing like hockey,
except for the fights, and the padding.

For problem numbero uno, I am going to get skates,
and some coaching from Roomie.
Like in the next 4 days.
for problemo dos,
I am just going to have to wing it.
Wish me luck!

(no really, I need it... please send all encouragement, pep talks, luck, and non-taxable donations
to incognita.oculta@gmail.com )
(oh, and send suggentions for a bad ass derby name)

mi casa nueva

2005-01-31T20:13:00.000-06:00

Welcome to my newly titled blog.
Never fear, the web address is still the same.
There are just too many lunatics on the fringe out there.
Loosely translated, the new title means
"The home of the hidden one."
Appropo, no?

Really that is the biggest piece of news that I have to report.
Life is pretty dull lately.
My schedule is as follows:
-----Mondays and Wednesdays
9am: Alarm goes off.
Smack alarm clock viciously.
Repeat until about 10am.
Sluggishly let Furface out to pee in the ginormous backyard.
Utilize my more civilized amenities, shower, brush blowdry, apply paint, sluggishly.
Try and find clothing to wear that is weather appropriate and fashionable.
Fail miserably, and throw on anything within reach.
Grab some water from fridge.
Kill any roach in my path.
Let Furface back in.
Look at the time, (10:54am) and yell a few expletives.
Pour fresh food and water for Furface.
Look around frantically for keys and bus schedule.
Make kissy noises at Furface, feel guilty thanks to his eternally sad puppy dog eyes.
Lock up.
Walk to bus stop fast enough to get shin splints.
Miss 10:55am bus, probably thanks to time wasted looking for bus schedule.
More expletives.
Freeze for another 25 minutes.
Thank God when bus finally rounds corner, (he isn't impressed...)
Get stuck sitting next to manaic talking to himself.
Get off bus,
Realize I have missed connection bus.
More expletives.
Get to school at last minute. (11:59am)
Do my damnest to stay awake during math class. (12 noon)
Listen to my adorable asian prof say, "and so on, and so force" several times.
Smoke toxic cancer stick.
Trod up 3 flights to next class.
Get winded, curse cancer stick (more expletives.)
Enjoy intelligent discussions in Literature class.
Alternate between feeling stupid and superior.
Go to Geology.
Feel simply stupid.
Hour break before next class involving:
trip to eat fattening food,
several cigarrettes,
call HP,
talk for 45 seconds,
a call to whomever else I think will pick up phone,
checking email,
browsing the library for books I have no time to read,
realizing that browsing has gone over. (5:40pm)
Late for Texas Government class. (also 5:40pm)
Wiggle foot.
Yawn.
Look out window.
Yearn for the facinating (no! really!) days of US govt class.
Stare at clock, mentally imagining my bus go by as prof goes over. (7:05)
Realize this serves me right for being late.
Catch later bus, miss connection bus again.
(you guessed it, more expletives and more thanking random dieties when the bus arrives.)
Get home. (8:15pm)
Play with Furface.
Do Homework.
Call boyfriend and talk for 25 seconds.
Fuck around on the internet all the while knowing there is plenty of homework I could be doing.
Smoke cigarettes.
Drink beer until sleep becomes remote possibility.
Toss and turn, use bed as virtual office, finally fall asleep. (4:47am)

----Tuesday
Wake up when ever.
Let Furface out.
Go back to bed and lie there for another hour with no chance of reaching a full 6 hours of rest.
Get up.
Let Furface back in.
Get water.
Kill roaches.
Call HP.
Leave voicemail.
Shower, brush, apply paint.
Make mental list of all that needs to be done.
Get apathetic.
Do some homework.
Call HP again.
Don't bother leaving message this time.
Call roomie.
More voicemail.
Call PA peeps.
Answering machins mixed with voicemail.
Fuck around online.
Try to type interesting post and fail miserably.
Yell expletives at the pop ups that have returned after new broadband install.
Yell expletives at roaches, since it is their fault roomie refuses to stay here,
and therefore does not get groceries as promised.
Boyfriend calls, laments 72 hour work week,
I concur, conversation ends at a record 90 seconds.
"miss you."
"miss you too."
Try to further organize new place.
Decide I need another pair of hands to put up pictures that have been sitting on floor for weeks.
Consider calling someone and inviting them over.
Reconsider due to roaches, no food, and iffy toilet.
Turn on TV out of pure boredom.
Remember all I have is FOX and repeates of Stargate and Angel, which I hate.
HP finally gets out of work and comes over. (10pm)
We go get food, shortly thereafter he falls asleep, wakes up, and goes home to get up at 7am.
More expletives, but in a voiced in a "resigned to my fate," manner.
Fuck around on the internet all the while knowing there is plenty of homework I could be doing.
Smoke cigarettes.
Drink beer until sleep becomes remote possibility.
Toss and turn, use bed as virtual office, finally fall asleep. (5:12am)

-----Thursday and Friday
Same as above except,
I miss bus for work, as opposed to class.
Then, deal with customers who are nicer than my boss, (thats not saying much...)
wait tables,
clean,
scrub,
sweep,
mop,
count money made,
issue more expletives.
Swindle ride home,
or pay 1/5 of $ made to chatty, right-wing Republican cab driver.
Expletives muttered under breath.
Nightly 9 second phone call with HP.
Fuck around on the internet all the while knowing there is plenty of homework I could be doing.
Smoke cigarettes.
Drink beer until sleep becomes remote possibility.
Toss and turn, use bed as virtual office, finally fall asleep. (4:02am)

-----Saturday
Same as above except..
Feel stirrings of hope for something fun to do after work.
HP picks me up.
I listen to his valid complaints about his exaustion level.
Convince him to take me out anyway.
Get dressed nicer, go shoot pool, drink, have a conversation longer than 4 minutes,
talk about making more time for eachother,
do a shot of tequila and forget all about it,
go home,
pass out.

-----Sunday
Wake up hungover.
Do crap, run errands, watch TV, eat , eat, eat, be lovey,
realize how much my week sucks,
how much his schedule sucks,
and realize that the only day we have together is gone in a time that feels shorter than those 15 second conversations.
Remember it is worth it, while simlutaneously forgetting how lonely the rest of the week was.

-----Next Week

9 am: Abrupt reminder of the above

9:01: Repeat.

gotta love it

2005-01-26T02:40:00.000-06:00

From "Best of" on Craigslist:

a letter to alcohol

BTW...

2005-01-24T17:13:00.000-06:00

I have a new email for both friends and readers,

incognita.oculta@gmail.com

the old one is now cyberjunk.

home sweet home

2005-01-24T17:07:00.000-06:00

Well, it looks like another 2 am entry from yours truly.
Although by the time you read this,
it will be old news already.
(i know it is a stretch to call it news…)
I am still without my necessary connection to post this live,
so I have the pleasure of using Word and all its refinements. (spellcheck!)

A little bit of catch up:
I have moved. (as of today)
(yes, yes, again.)
I am technically at my new home,
(but, i haven’t hung my favorite painting yet-so it isn’t quite official….)
School is back in full swing,
(Lit, Govt, Enviro Geol, and, you guessed it, Math.)
my truck sold,
(finally.)
bought a new bed,
(yay!)
bought those outrageous boots.
(no, I don’t wear them to sleep, but it was considered.)

With all this in motion, I have been lacking in the communication dept.
Sorry to those who have been worried about me,
are trying to get a hold of me,
or generally think I am a bitch for not calling/emailing/Morse coding.
Shortly you will hear from me in abundance,
and wonder why you missed me in the first place.

I hate to say this, because it will surely jinx me-
But things are really looking up.
I am clearing over a bill for each shift at my job,
I have managed to keep a savings account,
purchase what I need, and some of what I don’t need,
and still make the bills.

Most of this is due to my new place.
Since I am splitting rent with my homegirl MP, (a.k.a roomie)
I am paying almost 200 bucks a month less.
There are of course the shortfalls of such a situation:
1.) The new place has a roach issue.
Thankfully I have a good landlord with a faithful exterminator-
who guarantees to remedy the situation.
Apparently, it takes time to get entirely rid of the nasty little fuckers,
(but, i am already getting impatient, as i am sure you understand)
I will keep you updated on the key events in this stimulating story.
2.) The plumbing is somewhat temperamental.
Probably because I have been flushing insect carcasses all day,
the commode is backed up, and I am short the implements to fix it.
Also the shower has the water flow of an old man with kidney stones,
and the bathroom itself is the size of a pea. (really, no pun intended.)
3.) Roomie (perhaps because of the aforementioned issues,)
almost never stays here, so its kinda lonely.

Really I have little to complain about.
All I need is:
1.) further extermination,
2.) a plunger,
3.) and a broadband connection to keep me occupied.
#1 I call tomorrow, #2 I can get for 2 bucks, #3 gets installed on Tuesday.
I have dealt with much worse problems; these are, at worst, minor inconveniences.

All in all, I think I got a deal.
I have two bedrooms, (mine is huge,)
a real working fireplace,
a backyard that fulfills Furface’s dreams, (its gi-normous!)
a washer and dryer (circa 1957- but in still fine working condition,)
a garage, (for my invisible car)
and more closet space that I can possibly fill.
(uh, did some one say shopping!?!?)
And lets not forget the free cable.
(…i mean, the, um, perfectly legal cable.)

The real deal is that I feel right at home.
Just me,
Furface,
my new bed,
the crazy boots,
the perpetually absent roommate,
and a few floating roaches.

Ahhh… the good life.

intermission to avoid insanity...oops, to late.

2005-01-12T17:24:00.000-06:00

Well, unless by the grace of the blog gods, I got the problems got fixed,
you are looking at a seriously jacked site.
I added myself to a web ring in hopes to increase my reader volume,
and the HTML code they provided somehow screwed with everything-
from post placement,
to font size.
WTF people?
This naturally has to occur when life has been keeping me
away from my mistress of the night,
(the beloved internet,)
since I am in the midst of relocation.
I, incognito, have been reduced to blogging from campus.
(if you see that chick in the back looking around furtively and covering her screen with her hands-
pay no attention to her at all.
that isn't me.
i am much cuter...)
So, anyway,
until today I was clueless of the problems you see with the site.
(ooooo, did you know that NO ONE ELSE bothered to scroll down as far as you to read this drivel? lucky you!)
all who visit are treated to a big empty space.
Great.
Lovely.
Wow, belonging to a webring has really increased my visibility on the web!
(sarcasm seeps from every pore.)
Now I get to dick around with my HTML template,
which I have no business doing-let me asssure you.
Wish me luck.
(let me rephrase that, wish me GOOD luck.)

Back to the matter at hand.
I wanted to let all the Fringe readers know,
that since I am moving,
I have no internet connection right now.
(oh the humanity!)
It may be a week or two until my next post.
Not that you can read this one.
Oh fuck it.
"To the template Batman!"
More on my decline into insanity later.

blah blah blah

2005-01-07T20:51:00.000-06:00

I am bored.
Not like, nothing to do bored,
more like,
want to shave my head, become a country singer, and move to Tibet, bored.
Here is a list of the most interesting things to happen in my life lately:

1.) I got my student loans in finally.
(yes, it is gone already. it was gone before it got here.)
2.) I realized I really enjoy people making fun of famous people.
3.) I have decided it is in my best monetary interest to look for a new job,
(but I am too lazy to actually do it.)
4.) SU's dog bit me twice in one day, hard enough to break skin.
(i don't think he likes me.)
5.) I have lived here for 4 years, and never got a shot in the dark.
6.) Everyone stopped reading my blog months ago.
(because i have no life, and therefore, nothing to talk about...)
7.) I gained 15 lbs at some point.
(gee, i wonder how....)
8.) I tried to make pals with the new manager, but she already broke the friend rules by jumping all over SU. coughsleazecough.
(come to think of it, they both broke the friend rules. )
(oh well, less "friends" = less obligation to be nice to people when i don't want to.)
9.) I got a haircut that I don't really like.
(no surprise there.)
10.) I have determined that I really need to move. Like yesterday.
11.) I have stopped ending lists at #10.
12.) Found some cool cartoons.
13.) I am dying to buy these boots.

See why I am so bored??

... the list continues

2005-01-03T01:45:00.000-06:00

I hope your NYE was better than mine.
I went with HP to his sister's party where I proceeded to drink
5543357 shots of various tequilas.
I remember about 5 of those shots.
The next day was hell on earth,
the only saving grace I had was the 'ol black eyed peas.
I must of ate three cups of those fuckers at work,
plus the sinus medicine I took before I got there,
and then the excedrin a kind fellow waitress gave me.
I am not kidding you,
this was the WORST hangover in the history of woman.
And the worst part is...
I don't even remember the "fun" I must of had the night before.
I didn't even make it to midnight.
(sad. I know.)
I think this in the first time in my illustrious history that I have not made it to midnight.
Not just on NYE, but on any given night.
I mean, I am the mistress of insomnia, after all.

I am feeling somewhat bereft tonight,
(as if there hasn't been a lifetime of nights like these.)
The recent event of my blog's outing on Craigslist left me low.
People suck, especially during the holidays.
"Merry X-mas, your blog sux!"
Man, don't you have anything better to do?

I may seem like a hardass, but I'm not.
really!
I cry at movies,
hell,
I cry during commercials sometimes.
Gameshows?
yep, always cry when someone wins big.
I go out of my way to be friendly-usually at my own expense.
I want people to like me,
a human trait, (admittedly or not.)
Usually I see people in an optimistic manner.
Not this week, pal.

This year I am thankful for the end of the holidays.
(Can I do that?)

For this new year I hope for many things.

!.) An end to the conflicts. All of them.
@.) A revolution of global goodwill.
#.) An understanding between differing ideologies.
$.) A decreased dependence on natural resources.
%.) A substantial increase in employment rates.
^.) America admitting to its mistakes.

(and on the shallower side...)

&.) reliable transportation
*.) reliable relationships
(.) reliable economy
).) reliable income
_.) and lest we forget, a reliable future.

Any of these items occurring would make for a great year.

All sarcasm aside,
best of wishes to all,
and to all,
good luck.

thanks for nothing

2004-12-30T14:46:00.000-06:00

I got an email this morning with the subject line saying:
"Awesome plug for you!"
that contained a link I wish I had never followed.
A well meaning fan(?) of mine posted the link to my blog on Craigslist.
Dude, thanks, but don't do that again.
If I really gave a shit what random people thought about my website,
I would advertise it myself.
Not only that, but I enjoy the anonymity the net offers.
If someone randomly clicks on this site and doesn't like it,
then they click onward. No harm no foul.
But now, after following the link he sent me,
(and out of pure curiosity,)
I got to read all the negative things people said about my journal.
A real pick me up, let me tell you.
I awoke this morning in a decent mood,
and now I feel like dog shit.
So thanks for nothing well-meaning-fan,
and if you don't delete that post with my link,
I will have to hunt you down and shoot you.

To the readers of Craigslist who innocently clicked a random link-
sorry you bothered,
the trash I post isn't fit for human consumption.
To the Craigslist readers who took it upon themselves to
judge me, insult me, nitpick over my grammar,
call me "so stupid it is painful," etc,
Why don't you go back to the intelligent conversations about fat chicks,
and "boobie" pictures?

the numbers game

2004-12-29T16:17:00.000-06:00

I wanted to write some more about the disaster in Asia,
for no other reason that it is so tragic.
But I find that I don't have anything to say.
Today's reports show the death toll upwards of 80,000.
It is expected to reach 100,000.
Children are the majority of the victims.
I cannot help but draw a parallel as I did in my last post,
of innocents dying in Asia, and of civilians dying in Iraq.
All this needless death.

Recently, the U.N. let the US know its opinion on the amount of aid
we are giving to Asia.
After this remark the US doubled it's efforts to over 35 million.
All this sounds like a lot of money right?
Well not when you put it next to this figure.
Having difficulty conceiving of the amount of cash we are talking here?
This great visual site will help, please be sure to read to the bottom of the
page for more recent calculations.

If these figures don't make you wonder about the priorities of the US government,
nothing will...

a thought for those in the throes of tragedy

2004-12-26T23:57:00.000-06:00

Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep at about 5 am,
I was thinking of what my next post should be about.
I remembered that I had hinted at a follow up post containing all the compelling
reasons I had to move to Thailand.
I has sleepily devised a witty list and subsequent banter,
and intended to work on it this evening when I got home from work.

Well then, I watched CNN.
It seems that while I was drifting off to sweet dreams of Southeast Asia,
This was happening:

Countries struck by tsunamis in the wake of the most powerful earthquake the planet has seen in 40 years.

Thailand seems to have escaped most of the devastation,
as its death toll numbers are less than than some of the other affected countries.

The confirmed death toll from tidal waves which smashed into southern Thai touris havens
approch 400.

Here is a picture of the quake's origins.
The red rings show where enormous waves pushed into Asia:
Map.

If you have the stomach for it,
the survivor accounts and photos viewable via CNN are heart wrenching,
and the authenticity of human suffering is palpable.
The faces of mothers holding their deceased children,
and the loading of bodies into trucks,
will burn these people's pain into your mind.

We humans have a frighteningly disturbing
capacity to overlook the grief and pain that our fellow people endure each day.
When a surmountable "act of god" occurs, such as this,
We are quick to both send our prayers while simultaneously shielding our eyes.
When I was tearfully watching the footage shown on CNN today,
a thought came into my mind unbidden.
This natural disaster killed almost 15,000 living breathing souls,
halfway around the world.
We are shown in vibrant color the misery of the dead and dying.
The imagery is horrific; people around the world will feel strong sympathy.
What do you suppose would happen to the public opinion of the war in Iraq,
if we were assaulted daily with similar photographs?
The death toll there is approximately 7 times the number in Asia.
War is not an "act of God," it is an act of man.
Unlike a powerful earthquake,
the death of man, by the hand of man, can be stopped.

I think the comment of Pope John Paul,
(quoted after the disaster in Asia)
could be applied to other "stricken populations," as well.

"Let us pray for the victims of this enormous tragedy and assure them of our solidarity for all those who suffer, while we hope that the international community acts to bring relief to the stricken populations."

For all those who suffer,
may your God soon bring you peace, comfort, and freedom from anguish.

update(12/28/04): the figures above dramatically increased over the past few days.
I have decided not alter the original post, simply becase of the difficulty I had linking the items.
(Damn, Blogger, can you work on that??)
For more current information, visit CNN or BBC online.
Thanks.

i like new year's eve better.

2004-12-23T23:59:00.000-06:00

I swear I have been trying to post something new for weeks now,
but I think I have writer's block.
(yes, i am calling myself a writer today. deal with it.)
So I am just going to ramble on for a while and see what comes of it.

Work has been a real pain in the private parts lately.
It is funny how people tip less during the giving season.
For those people who say to me,
"I'd like to tip more, but, you know, Christmas and all..."
Yeah fucker, I know.
It is Christmas in poverty-level-waitress-land too.
If you are too broke to tip properly,
go home and eat Ramen noodles like the rest of us.

Every year I go through the same shit for Christmas.
The heating bills get higher,
the tips get lower,
I scrape together what I can to get gifts for the very few people I can buy for,
feel bad because I can't do more,
and then spend the last week of the year trying to make rent.
Is it any wonder that this is my least favorite time of year?

Someday,
after I write that bestseller,
I will be able to get gifts for people I have wanted to get them for a while.
For my mother:
a week at a ritzy salon/spa, and a shopping spree, followed by a month in Tahiti.
(because the woman deserves to be treated like royalty after putting up with my crap for twenty odd years.)
For my brother:
the best education money can buy.
(because he will win the Nobel Prize one day, i just know it!)
For my best girlfriends:
pedicures, jewelry, chocolate, makeup, and new shoes.
(you know... the girly things their SignificantO's never seem to grasp as being the perfect gifts.)
In addition,
HH and VS get live-in Mary Poppins-esqe nannys,
MF gets a cute, sane, loyal, best girlfriend on the planet,
MP in TX gets Nicolas Cage as a sex toy,
and CM in Cali gets all the canvas/film/any medium she needs.

Oh, and did I mention everyone on my list gets
4651654168432131454 free nights on my couch-should they visit me, that is.
For my father and GG:
tickets for all their favorite shows/events, for like, ever.
(because they need to get out of the house more often, guilt free.)
For my guyfriends:
new wardrobes.
(because they so desperately need 'em. bring on the queer eye!)
For S.U.:
a totally outfitted motorcycle garage,
(so he can build that perfect chopper.)
Anyone that I missed, please don't worry.
Ya'll get extensive therapy,
(because, well,

you need it.)
Just kidding!!!
(not really.)

So I have to talk about the new guy now because it is getting kind of silly not to.
He needs his own moniker.
"new guy" sounds so rude, if you ask me.
Lets call him HP.
HP doesn't need therapy, so I am at a loss as to what I could get him.
Because he started a new job, and I am perpetually broke,
we decided to ignore xmas, and exchange gifts closer to new years.
He is definitely getting a new wallet, since his is stapled together,
(and he will need it for all that cash he will be reaping in,)
but I am having difficulty deciding what to get him that is more personal.
Even with my daydreams of having unlimited money for gifts,
I have trouble choosing something to show how I feel about him.
Perhaps the whole 2 people that read this thing can help?

Let's start with a bit o' background.

He is 6 months older than me,
a native Chicagoan transplanted in Texas,
has two jack russell terriers named after the main characters from Pulp Fiction,
is devoted to his family,
(no, that is not a euphemism for "married.")
Is a complete workaholic,
and he loves cars, rainy weather, and ESPN.
And most interesting,
the man fears nothing.
Nothing at all.
He has a balance of brashness, intelligence, confidence, humor, and good looks,
which is seriously endearing.
No games, no power plays, no pretending,
just a frank attitude and honest nature that so many (not just men!) people lack.
And he is really upfront about how strongly he has come to feel about me in the,
(admittedly,)
short time we have been seeing each other.
(i confess to being kinda blown away, and i will also confess to really digging it.)

Enough background.
Eventually you will tire of it anyway,
discerning reader,
so onto helping me with the gift ideas,
biatch...
We like the exact same music/movies/other entertainment.
(by this I mean pool games, politics, hardcore metal concerts. get your mind out of the gutter.)
He has modern/urban style in home decor and clothing,
(and has much more expensive taste than me in those departments, so no help there.)
A better cook than me, (so romantic dinner is out...)
Whatever to do?

(so sure that thousands of you will come to my aid on this important issue.)

Ahh... Holiday time. A season to screw with the id, the ego, the economy, and your wallet.

Hey kids!

Make your own politically backward "season" card to send to all without risk of offence:

May your (non-denominational) season be (as however you wish it to be.)
(love/bestwishes/happy somethingorother,)
(fill in alias here)

Ridiculously unrealistic wish list

2004-12-16T03:00:00.000-06:00

Disclaimer: In no way do I expect or want my loved ones to get me these list items...
(Wealthy complete strangers, however, are encouraged to donate to the less fortunate,
me.)

Laptop with WIFI.
Wow, how nice it would be to post my thoughts for you anywhere I DAMN WELL PLEASE.
The fact that my early 90's franken'puter still works as well as it does, is a blessing from Allah/God/Buddah, but gee,
it sure would be nice to have a grey, sleek, important looking,
laptop to impress people with at the coffeeshop.
( c’mon-I don’t even go to coffeeshops!)

Digital Camera.
They are so cheap right now,
it costs me more money to buy my monthly supply of Ramen noodles.
I don't want much...
Just a little ELF camera with at least 4 pixels and a zoom.
ooo, and a photo download dock for the new laptop.

A printer.
Such a simple luxury that many enjoy.
They are cheaper than their own cartridges,
but I can't get one,
because my disproportionaltely large franken'puter takes up so much friggin' room.
And hell, if I am gonna get myself the laptop, digi camera w/ photodock,
then I will need (ok- want,) a printer with photo resolution capability.

A NEW CAR!!!! (ala Bob Barker)
I refuse to put insurance/pay registration/get inspection for my old truck.
I mean, for pete's sake, we are talking about a no heat/AC having, gas guzzling, overheating, radio-less, broken windowed, bird shit upon, 200,000 miled,
didn't even start today '86 Blazer with shitty;
tires, brakes, exaust, and (insert random diety here) knows what else.
Really people. I'd rather eat a centipeid then pay approx US $978.46 a year just to keep the thing legal.
If it even lasts another year.
Which it won't.
The recent dream vehicle is one of those new longer bed Wrangler-style Jeep.
Automatic, soft top,
and in grey-
to match the laptop, of course.

Blogger spellcheck to work.
If only once!
I am sick to the death of copying and pasting from Word to Blogger,
it is especially annoying since the fonts are incompatible.
Oh, and as long as we are gonna have real spellcheck,
can I get Word's left click thesaurus action too?
And what in the goddamn hell is the spacing problem I seem to be having below????
Throw me a bone here Blogger!

A new grill.
No not the BBQ type.

I hate my teeth, always have.

Someday, when I become a famous author, (quit giggling.)

I am going to fix my teeth.

Last time I got dental work done, they shot the novicaine into a nerve,
and I had no sensation on the left side of my face.
FOR 3 MONTHS!!!
Needless to say the mutilation caused by biting my own tounge, barbell and all, has left my grill pretty wrecked.
I have 2 root canals that need done, a few fillings to replace, and I have to get a bridge.
(Thank you for letting me hold the door, random diety, when they were pasing out winning smiles.)
Plus, if I am going to look hot in that Jeep, I am going to need porcelin veneers and get rid of that
"but, it gives you character," gap between my front teeth.
And in a similar vein,
If I am going to have movie star teeth,
than I may as well have other things fixed as well:
Lasic surgery would assist in the "perpetually stoned" red eye I have even though I am not perpetually stoned. (Or possible new contacts would do the trick...)
I could stand to remove a few "cute" freckles that have morphed into old lady moles.
I would be very happy to remove the unsightly broken capillaries on my face,
and last of the cosmetic wishes,
but certainly not the least...
I want to get rid of the underchin waddle.
I know, I know,
I am pretty cute,
even with all my imperfections,
but it is my list, so fuck off.

tune in next week when....

2004-12-12T01:26:00.000-06:00

Howdy folks.
Welcome to one-thirty in the morning,
lonestar beer,
and the mascara smearing combination of boredom and insomnia.
Sleep isn't a friend of mine,
never there when I need it.
I have tried forcing myself to sleep,
meditation,
relaxing muscle by muscle,
sheep counting,
reading,
self-hyponosis,
listening to a tape of the rain,
OTC "sleep aids,"
and watching infomercials.
Nothing works.
(oh, and reminding myself that I am an insomniac by blathering on about it in my blog doen't help either...)
I have leared to cope with my non-conformist biorythms,
by not laying down to sleep until I am so tired, I can no longer stand.
My body has to get to the point where it refuses to sustain cognitive activity,
to make my mind shut the hell up.

Tonight the Lonestar Brewing Co. is going to be my "sleep aid."

I am the only person I know who can get bored within the same millisecond
of not having anything to do that just HAS to be done.
(re: homework, workwork, schoolwork)
When I finish all designated tasks, I get overwhelmingly bored.
Semester finals are finally over. (pardon me, i hate unintentional puns. well, i just hate puns.)
I just got off of work a few hours ago.
I have no laundry to speak of.
My living space is pretty much as clean as it gets.
And I am mired within the conundrum of how to entertain myself.
Sometimes I think to myself:
What the fuck did I do with myself before I went to college?
And then I remember.
The computer.
Perhaps a better question is:
What the fuck did I do with myself before the internet?
I am truly addicted to my email.
I check it probably 10 times a day.
I wish I could blame it on something,
like serious Obsessive-Compulsive disorder,
but I can't-because the first step to overcoming a problem is recognizing you have one.
"Hello my name is *****, and i am an internet junkie."

In other just as uninteresting arenas:
got two grades back, still sweating the math one....
working a disgusting amount of hours next week....
dog needs a bath...
paid cell bill and got one in the mail the next day.... again!
i bought some new moisturizer....
thinking about getting a haircut,
and...
I am seriously considering going to Thailand for a while.
no, really, I am!
I either want to get a certificate in teaching English as a second language,
or study there.
I have been doing quite a bit of research,
and it is almost a certainty that I will go there for at least a semester, maybe two.
I am trying to seek out people that live/have lived in Thailand to give me opinion/advice about working/living/studying there.
And, yes, parental units---it is safe there.
(aside from cobras and malaria, it is probably safer there.)
And if it so happens that the third world war breaks out,
I will have already left the country that would be the target of blame,
mine.
( sorry, will cease the politicism... it slipped!)

I don't have the mental fortitude to tell you all they many compelling reasons for my possible relocation to Thailand tonight though.
But, I do promise to go into greater detail very soon.
(like my attempt at forshadowing?)

out with the old....

2004-12-07T23:05:00.000-06:00

So the blog you all know and love,
(or at least tolerate,)
is going through changes.
First, as mentioned in the last post,
I am forgoing the use of lower case letters, (except in the titles,)
if only because spellcheck is too tiring that way.

I would also really like to experiment with fonts and text colors,
and I just figured out how....
Apparently I have been in HTML mode, where there is no option to change font, as opposed to "compose" mode.
Ooops...
I knew it could be done folks.
One of my favorite blogs,
The Zen Pretzel Trick
has so many different fonts and colors of text,
it is almost seizure inducing at times.
Now that my inferior intelligence has mastered the usage of this blog thing, ( I feel like an idiot,) expect more colors, links, fonts, and general whatsit.

Another change is going to be more important.
I, from here on out, am going to stop mincing words.
Hey! Quit laughing!
Seriously, some of my best writing hasn't been posted.
Why?
A few reasons:
1.) It is too personal. Yes, that's right,
I have been editing myself for fear of my "real" identity being discovered.
As time has passed, I find that I give out the site address to anyone (remotely) interested. They know who I am, so why should I care if any other yahoo figures it out? As eluded to in the disclaimer, read at your own risk.
Now don't get too excited. My sex life, (or lack therof,) will be pointedly not discussed. First of all it isn't any of your business, second, my parents/professors may read this, and third, it really isn't that interesting. (plus I could do without the pervy comments that more my more candid fellow bloggers put up with.)
2.) My thoughts may at times hurt other people's feelings.
I started out not wanting to write about some things,
mainly because it could be hurtful to someone.
This reason isn't specifically pointed at any one person,
(no, not even you...)
but it is very limiting to not be able to discuss something merely because the person involved may or may not bother to read it and be offended.
Not only that, but after my split with SU, I began to think it is more worthwhile to express feelings that may be hard to take, than it is to suppress them.
3.) It is time to make this blog what is is meant to be. A web journal.
And if it is going to be interesting at all to major publishers, than it has to be real, honest, and most of all, raw. If, for what ever reason, you prefer the blog to be whitewashed, you may as well erase me from your bookmarks now.
Expect to see pre-dated entries also, posts that never made it online for these same reasons.

There are to be other changes as well:
1.) Pictures:
I am going to removing most of the pictures of myself, for personal security, and since I am going to be ranting on about more personal subjects, I would prefer that those reading this who do not know my real identity, stay that way. I know that for those of you up north, who haven't seen me in a while, like having the pictures availiable. Well, sorry.
I am, however, considering a psudonym for myself, so I can post pictures of me without coming out and saying, "here is a picture of ME..."
It is really a non-issue anyway, since the digi camera belongs to SU, and I doubt he will be loaning it to me. (Primarily becasue he will most likely be using it to take photos of his new prospects... You go boy!)
2.)Appearance:
I am looking into a different template for my blog. The reason for this is that so many other bloggers share the same unimaginative template (one choice of, like, eight on blogspot,) and I hate conformity. I want this blog, with its other massive changes to stand above the rest. That said, I am HTML illiterate, so it will take me forever to a.) decide upon changes I want to make, and b.) actually figure out how to make them.
3.) Comments and guestbook:
For a while, I disabled outside access to my site, but now that it is going to further conceal my identity, I am now making it availiable via WWW again. So anyone, anywhere, can happen across it. You are still able to post comments, (and I GREATLY ENCOURAGE comments, positive or negative,) And my site does allow for anonyomous comments. If you post a comment anonomously, fine. I prefer that you don't, because I like to read the blogs of those posting, and maybe link to them. But, if you do choose to comment on the site anonomously, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE at least sign my guestbook. To date, more than 2000 people have come across my site and I have what, 14 guestbook entries?
It takes VERY little effort to let me know how you feel about the site, just scroll down the left side of the page and click on "sign the guestbook." It makes my day when I get a new entry. Feedback is the only reason this thing is still online. I can type a private journal anyday, it is the thoughts, ideas, and enjoyment of others that I post online for, so comment on individual posts all you want, and comment on the entire site by signing the guestbook. It is much appreciated.

Well kids I have some work to do.
More to follow shortly...

today i am human

2004-12-06T23:33:00.000-06:00

i am having a spritual misdoubt about some of my collection here on the blog.
i regret to admit it,
i am getting tired of the consistant lower casing of my, (tehee!) prose.
it is like living a double life, people!
without the usage of the larger letters used in english grammar,
people take things less seriously.

just this past semester, i ran into an interesting experiment waiting to happen.
i had two classes with criterium including an online forum.
in the first, (PSYCH,) there were questions based on feeling and personal opinion.
in the other, (HIST2,) there was a much better platform,
centered around controversial historical movements, and eras of epic changes.
(and in many aspects, the relationship of recent events to historical ones...)
i, at first replied to both forums in lower case letters, as i am obviously familiar with.
But, then I was struck with an UNDERSTANDING!

Larger case letters have a different message altogether than the more diminutive form.`

If I present a challenge between Sigmund Freud and Carl Rodgers,(PSYCH) and their differing views on therapy which one could assume, could be very much an emotional issue, and I write it in proper capitalization, no one responds with anything other than, "Well, I believe...(insert logical,(yet boring,) belief system here.)"

on the other hand...
when challenging other's opinions in lower case, i got more emotional responses in a debate/logical platform orientation (HIST2), as opposed to any intellectual dis/agreement.

it shocked me really.

So as a result of my very informal reasearch, I am considering letting go of my lower case, "e.b. white" complex, and starting to write like a grown-up. (or as you may call it- adult.)

the transition itself may take awhile,
and I am welcome to your complaints,
arguements,
and other various crap you decide to berate me with

(no suggestions on my grammar/spelling skills will be read, so, don't bother.)

unfunny ramblings of an overworked mind

2004-11-30T14:46:00.002-06:00

november has not been my favorite month folks.
first "we" re-elect Bush.
(what the hell were you thinking??)
then the whole gay marriage ban is supported.
(WTF people??)
that makes me want to return to lesbianism just out of spite.
but since my favorite ex-girlfriend is taken,
and 1600 miles away,
it will have to wait.

speaking of exes,
the BF and i have broken up.
(he will now be referred to as SU)
it was amiable enough-and now we are housemates.
yes, weird i know.
since when do you expect normalcy from me?

right after that fun,
i got major sick with strep throat,
and had to miss class and work,
(and dating opportunities.)

yep, i am single again.
it seems to be a perpetuality.
i am honestly better at being single.
when i date people,
(as opposed to being in a relationship)
they have less opportunity to tire of me,
ignore me,
forget me,
and then eventually
shut me out.
dating again is kinda awkward.
i am kinda out of practice.
flirting has never come easy to me.
my version of flirting,
is a vehement political debate followed by a solid ass kicking at pool.
not appealing to most men,
but the ones that like it are keepers.
some of my friends are questioning my attachment to dating guys.
they tell me "it hasn't really worked out for you so far..."
so sue me,
i am a glutton for punishment.

school is really sucking.
i am so ready for finals to be over.
my perfectionism does not mesh well with my recent attempts at a social life.
i am floundering and getting apathetic.
of course all apathy will go out the window when i get my grades and realize my 4.0 is now a 3.5.
then i will be bollistic and beat myself up over it for like,
forever.
that said, i am already registered for classes next semester.
does the stress ever end??
(no)

and then there are the holidays.
shoot me now,
before the barrage of christmas carols begin.

really i am not as depressed as i may sound.
just a tad overwhelmed.
that being said, i have to go...
i have two chapters to read,
math homework to finish,
4 loads of laundry to do,
a few phonecalls to make,
and a date to get ready for.
maybe thursday i can sleep.

pop quiz, hotshot.

2004-11-16T03:46:00.000-06:00

Democracy cannot be chosen for the people,
it must be chosen BY the people.
Otherwise, is a contradiction of terms.
The people need to decide for themselves what path they will follow.
How can we preach unity when our own candidacy could not be bi-partisan enough to work together towards even one solution?
Not to mention the amount of force and occupation our military is using.
I am empathic and support the courage of our troops,
but..
they are not being supplied the necessary means to introduce democracy to a fundamentalist Arab nation, parties of which have been warring for centuries.

I fear that the arrogance of legislated ruling is working only to piss off the middle eastern people, not unify them. If anything, they are unifying against the American hypocrisy of forced democracy. One cannot impose a belief in democracy, just as one cannot impose a belief contrary to one's religious faith. If I not mistaken, there is not a separation between church and state in either Iraq or the US.

(how many atheists have taken the presidency?)

But really my entire point is :
Is it really the place of the American government to forcibly impose its most recent set of "values" on people: within OR outside, the USA?

(and am I the only one that thinks that a military enforced democracy is no better than a dictatorship?)

screw mars and venus, how 'bout neptune?

2004-11-13T01:03:00.000-06:00

I started thinking about the appalling double standard that exists between men an women in our society.
the whole thing started because of a few playstation games that recently came out.
namely this one;

this one:

and this one:

and lest we forget:

is it just my neptunian sensibility, or do these games objectify women to nth degree?

the first is a trivia game flimed in south padre island over spring break.
if the woman gets the question wrong,
she is supposed to flash the audience.
pretty pathetic.
the second link is based on an old PC game.
the goal of the game is to get with as many college girls as possible.
you start out with the girl labeled as the "community bicycle."
is it just me,
or is there some serious sexism here?
the gaming industry wonders why it can't appeal to the female population.
the answer seems clear cut to me.

how many games/any-other-media have a male penis on display?
none.
not to say that there isn't a market for it,
but think about it...
female sexual attributes are everywhere.
from the belly button to the breast,
we are surrounded by female bodies.
playboy.
hustler.
penthouse.
cinimax.
HBO.
E!
maxim.
FHM.
cosmo.
glamour.
women's bodies are everywhere.
but it is a scandal if dennis franz shows his ass on NYPD blue.
some say it is because america would rather see naked women than men.
i wonder.
the growing population of gay men may disagree...
women are even drawn into this.
compare the # of women in men's mags to the # of women in women's mags.
strikingly the same ratio.
but more men are shown in maxin than in cosmo.
is it because women find the female form more attractive?
maybe.
but, perhaps the # of women in momen's mags are about the lack of self worth.
the "this-is-who-i-wish-looked-like" mentality.
i am so sick of the ignored double standard.

war more years

2004-11-03T16:20:00.000-06:00

well America,
you suck.

i wonder what we have instore for us over the next four years.
hmmm...
more legislation based on what bush decides is moral.
a bunch of stuffy business magnates nominated to the supreme court.
a christian boot stomping on women's right of choice.
more lost jobs.
more rich guys getting richer.
more poor people staying poor.
more schools staying behind.
the patriot act choking the life out of the constitution.
a "C" student making decisions about our lives.
excessive bumbling of grammar.
haliburton, egads, taking over the planet.
continued aggression toward iraq.
more civilian deaths.
more military deaths.
more of homeland security,
no fly lists,
color coded "threat" levels used as a plaything for enforcing fear,
racial profiling,
propaganda.
but those evil homosexuals won't be allowed to get hitched.
i feel safer already.

oh,
and a draft.
let's not forget that.
let me proclaim this now:
I am declaring CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTION
and i encourage you to do the same.

what is wrong with this country?
(to spare myself 500 emails, that is a rhetorical question.)

I hear Ontario is nice this time of year...

my local news

2004-10-20T20:30:00.000-05:00

hello my adoring public!
i have missed you so.
just here to catch you up on my latest news.
(for complete lack of a better term...)
don't worry, no political rhetoric tonight,
i am low on energy.

right now i am sitting at my desk,
half listening to the 7th (!) Yankee/Red Sox game.
Sox are 6-0 in the third.
last two games i watched were on the dull side.
maybe if i don't watch, NYY will score a run already.

i have (finally!) secured employment!
now, don't be upset,
i would have mentioned it sooner,
but i had to be sure it was cool.
i have been there almost 3 weeks,
and we are very popular.
and it isn't far from home.
it's been extremely crazy on extra hours,
but that is cool, i could use the cash.

the new puppy is doing very well.
well, except for the barking,
the chewing,
and the jumping.
(he's got ADHD for sure...)
but still hard to be mad at him for long.

i dropped the silly speech class i was in,
the only thing i took from it,
was that i could probably teach better than this woman.
all other classes are doing very well,
and math is starting to get confusing again.
so be it.

(god damn it. 8-1. in the fourth.)

my favorite time of year is coming up,
Halloween.
the only time where you can dress like you want,
and it's a costume, not an outfit.
but i am totally at a loss for this year.
i admit, when it comes to costumes,
i am not very creative.
i have been varying on an demon theme for years,
and last year i was an angel,
(although not a very convincing one.)
this year, i am completely clueless.
i guess i don't need a costume for that.

Other inane things new with me:
...just paid off my phone bill, and a new one came.
...recently become proficient in making milkshakes (and eating burgers
...have recently swore off drinking said milksakes after watching..
...the movie Supersize Me
...still haven't stopped eating red meat, however.
...have developed a strange affection for lists.
...not read any good books lately.
...went to see Queensryche the other day
...decided i need new pair of shoes.
...will probably break down and go shopping soon.
...in the middle of composing my own 30 questions email.

in less inane matters:
I voted on monday.
guess for who...
now i will sit back quietly with my fingers-
in a peace sign,
and wait.
it is good to know that early votes are at record numbers,
and scary.

(and the yanks are down by 6 in the 8th. shame.)

and in other news:
...my post concerning the tat tabu was poplular enough to gain the attention of a fellow cool chick/blogger extrordonaire on the site:
The Zen Pretzel Trick
(consider me flattered...)
...count on more diatribe to come.

PS. yanks lose by 7. hope the astros kick ass tomorrow

worship of war?

2004-10-17T01:11:00.000-05:00

i find that references to gas prices as a justification for killing civilians and forcing democracy, um...
disturbing.
there is a common theme to any war:
money.
and/or money in the form of organized religion.

give me one example of a war the U.S was involved in that did not have monetary gain or religious principles involved.
(this in itself says alot about how our society deals with it's problems.)
the American Revolution was a war for our religious freedom, and a war about paying taxes to Great Britain.
in a way our victory shaped history and defined our culture as truly independent.
but would we really be slaves to the British if we had not fought for recognition of america as an independant nation?
doubtful.
GB didn't need slaves,
they just wanted a kickback.
it as if as Americans, since royally kicking GB's rear,
we figure the rest of world is destined only for our conquest.

it frightens me how many people are readily accepting our latest war.
what happened to the concept of negotiation?
or agreeing to disagree?
there are other people on this planet than white, christian, rich guys.
as a self-thought progressive nation, why are we so quick to arbitrary warfare?

is war necessary?
war is only justifiable for those who believe in the cause that is being fought for.
war is a matter of belief, a faith similar to a devotion to a divinity.
a cause you would die for...
please tell me it isn't gas prices.

preaching to the choir

2004-10-01T22:59:00.000-05:00

i remember a time in my life
when i wasn't nearly as political as i am now.
ahhh, the blissful ignorance...
the catalyst for me was the 9/11 tragedy.
I was 3 stories up
building a roof deck,
when between hammerfalls,
i noticed that the radio station
wasn't playing music.
i, as the apprentice, had the job of climbing down the scaffolding
all the way to the little portable radio on the ground.
after listening to it for a minute,
i called the crew down from the roof.
we went into the house we were remodeling and turned on the TV.
we watched in awe, as flames and smoke billowed from the first tower.
then, as if in response to the cameras,
the second plane flew straight into the second tower.
the men on the construction crew i worked with and i,
watched in stunned silence.
the foreman was less moved,
we worked for the rest of the day.
i sweat buckets in the Texas sun on a rooftop,
listening to radio coverage,
and watched the sky for errant 747's.
within hours after the planes struck the name "osama" was
a chicken fat coating on the lips of the media.
i thought it was strange that the terrorists that we were blaming for the attack
had yet to assume responsibility.
why make such a statement and then not claim to it?
when i got home the first thing i did was flip on the news.
and i never turned it off.
being a broke-ass, i have no cable,
i watched fox.
good thing i have an innate distrust for authority.

since then, my faith in our government dissapated rapidly.
the failed "hunt for osama."
the forgotten efforts of pre 9/11,
(such as the talks with V. Fox about giving citizenship to mexicans already in the states)
the approval of Bush's military defence plan, that was denied previously.
(coincidence? i think not...)
the posturing by the court elected president.
the "shock and awe" campaign.
the ill-named "patriot" act.
the sudden shift to saddam.
(hello??? there are no WMD's,
except for ours.
and there is no proof of a link between saddam and al queda,
even satan, i mean Rumsfeld, said so.
but there are plenty of links beween us and osama and saddam.
perhaps the US is the link?)
the wag the dog bullshit.
the violence that continues under america's name.
the daily rise of the death toll.
totally fucking disgraceful,
ignorant,
insipid,
greed.

fast forward to today.
billions of dollars spent.
muslim-american relations in serious disrepair.
Vietnam-esque unwinnable war.
thousands dead.
soldiers.
martyrs.
civilians.
children.

for what people??
oil?
american pride?
you cannot say it is for those that were killed in the 9/11 attacks.
the death toll far outnumbers that now.
we need to remember the old adage of:
"an eye for an eye leaves us all blind."

now we are engaged in a war with no clear outcome.
"when will you bring the troops home mr.president?"
Bush's response:
"it's hard work"
well no shit.
if i have to hear that man cry about how hard it is to be president,
ONE MORE TIME,
i'll lose it.
i mean, for christ's sake,
is the presidency supposed to be a cake walk?
like his time in the military?
(snicker)
something has to happen here people!
where is your sense??
get off your ass and fucking vote already.

check this out.....

2004-09-30T16:36:00.001-05:00

The Cost of War

just a friendly reminder...

2004-09-26T18:16:00.000-05:00

there is a guestbook located at the bottom of the lefthand column.
it means a lot to me that the visitors to the site
leave behind their feedback.
nice, or not.
please remember to sign the guestbook!
to those that already have,
a heartfelt thanks..
(no sarcasm intended)

say hello to the newest member of the fringe!

2004-09-25T21:34:00.000-05:00

cute isnt he!
he is a blue heeler and about 4-5 months old.
we named him chopper.
that is sam's tail in the lower left corner btw...

another pic:

sam says that chopper is giving him a run for his money.

another pic:

"sooo tired... must...not...be beaten..... must stay...awake.....zzzzz"
-sam and chopper, ( collectively?)

the puppy has been keeping sammy on his toes.
(as well as me and the BF)

i now pronounce you mr. and mr. church and state

2004-09-25T18:56:00.000-05:00

i think everyone has the capacity to be attracted to the same sex,
it is just to what degree.
whether some feel they are genetically programmed to be homosexual,
or feel that it is a conscious choice,
makes no difference to me.
all people should have the same rights to marry whom they wish.
period.

the people who can't accept that are people that have issues with their own self image and/or feel threatened by what they choose not to understand.
as a country,
i thought we were more progressive with regards to this issue than it seems lately.
it suprises me,
that with the larger political issues abound,
the bush administration is so suddenly concerned with gay marriage.
part of me thinks that it is of fiscal concern to the government,
such as they don't wish to bother giving tax cuts to more couples,
but really i think the reasoning follows a much more cynical path,
the gay marriage issue is being reheated to take some,
hell,
ANY attention off the atrocious handling of the Iraq situation.
perhaps it is my leftist mentality,
but how can the government hope to define marriage by "biblical" terms and not violate the first amendment:
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

to legally define marriage as between a man and a woman not only violates the "free-exercise" rights of Mormon polygamous communities,
it "respects" the Christian "establishment of religion" and well.
not to mention,
marriage could
(hopefully)
be referred to as a peaceable assembly.
maybe the GLBT community should create an organized religion,
just to restrict the government's meddling.
hey, it would be tax exempt...!

virusii, ink and stupidity

2004-09-04T19:54:00.000-05:00

sorry for the amount of time since my last post.
(as always.
)
i had a nasty little computer bug.
it kept me pounding on the keyboard trying to get rid of it,
and i am still getting pop ups from internet explorer!
-even though i tried to erase the component from windows.
(any helpful suggestions?)
damn that rascal bill gates.
sneaky fucker ain't he?

not too much new with me.
still unemployed.
fun. (note sarcasm...)

MP had her b-day celebration the other nite,
mass amounts of alcohol was consumed by all,
always a plus.
no pics though.
sorry.
the BF and i made her a shirt that said
"it's my birthday..." on the front,
and
"spank me!" on the back.
she is still trying to sit down.
that girl loves her spankin's.
(if you recall she was the one that beat my ass on my b-day...
sweet, sweet revenge. i told you that you were gonna get it sister!)

i got a new tattoo (well sorta) on thursday:

newtat2
Originally uploaded by incognito.

if i had the cash i would be completely covered in ink.
i love tattoos.
there is nothing more attractive to me than a hot chick with lots of nice ink.
that is why i keep getting them..
most people don't get them.
as a concept.
(or they get a butterfly on their ankle)
("not that there is anything wrong with that..". -Seinfeld)
so, i get some strange questions:

"what will you do when you are 80 and you have those tattoos?"

me thinking: "like i have never heard that before! that rhetorical insipid question has inspired me to rethink my entire life, i must have all my tattoos removed and join the religious right! "

me saying: "well, i'll be eighty and have tattoos. my grandkids will think i rock-
and i wear combat boots."

please.

and my personal favorite:
"i likes yur tat, man, here's mine. i got this in prison!"

me thinking: "get away from me."
me saying: "uh yeah great. that is a lovely... um..what is it exactly?"

and last night at a 7-11:

(poking finger into my fresh, oozing tattoo) "you know you will have that forever!?"

me thinking: "and you will always be obnoxious! imagine that!
oh, and don't touch me."
me saying: "gee? wow! they didn't mention that in the disclaimer! shit!"

and what is with these people that ask permission to "see your ink work?" and then they grab your arm and twist it around a few times?
you DO NOT need your hand to "see my work" honey.

so if you want to keep your teeth, see with your eyes like everyone else.

i'm going to bed...
tired.
i will blather on later about the tattoo tabu.
sorry if it bores you...

(well shit i'm not forcing you to read this, so i'm not sorry. damnit.)

take mercy!

2004-08-25T21:40:00.000-05:00

i am really starting to think i was a serial killer,
in my past incarnation.
nothing else would explain the strange string of
bad luck that i had in this past few days.

saturday night, i was playing a drinking game called high-low.
very simple game,
you guess whether the next card dealt,
would be higher or lower than the last card dealt.
if you are right three times, then you pass the deck to the next victim.
i was wrong,
i swear,
206654815 times in a row.
if i was dealt an ace,
id say "lower" (the obvious choice)
and i'd get another ace.
i'd get a two,
i'd say "higher!"
and get another two.
it was pathetic,
and also prophetic.
now that i think back,
the sense of foreboding began with that game.

needless to say,
after losing several times at the above mentioned drinking game,
sunday was pretty harsh to my bloodshot eyes.

monday, was the first day of the new semester.
it was also the day i had the Dr. appt,
(scheduled in 400 b.c.)
of course it took 2 hours to see the Dr. for twenty minutes-
and i missed my first class.
while i waited i waved at cute babies,
and made faces at the toddlers.
and felt i was surrounded by an enormous biological clock.
the ticking reminded me that i am not getting any younger...
this is not a pleasant thought.

when i arrived on campus
i went though a whole thirty minutes of:
what am i doing here?
why did i wait so damn long to make a life for myself?
why do all these chicks seem hotter than me?
i watched all the 19 year old hotties hanging out at campus,
and felt continually depressed...

but after the ADD kicked in i was fine.
(for a time)

as i said, i missed my history class, so no reports there.
my Psyc class will be cool, i think.
the prof says "man" a lot..
as in "get with it, man!"
i like him.

the speech class i am taking seems pretty flaky.
(how serious can a honors speech class be?)
but it requires a lot of out-of-class participation.
one thing that gets on my nerves,
are classes that listed in the course schedule that are, say monday & wed. classes,
that have "extra-curricular activities" on friday.
(not the fun extra-curricular activities, either...)
damnit it took the M/W classes because i wanted fridays off!

and then there was math class.
if you have read this blog at all,
or know me but an inking,
then you can understand how shitty this class went.
at first i was lulled into a false sense of security.
the instructor was a grandfatherly sweet kindof guy.
"could'ja speak up a bit deary?"
he called me melissa for a while, and then michelle,
(neither of which is even close..)
and then.....
(drumrolllllll)
he gave a test.
which (although a "pre-test,)
still counted toward the grade you got in the class.
well, of course i bombed it.
i haven't had a math class since 1995.
AND i have test anxiety.
i got 8 right out of 20.
according to my math calculations that is a 75 right??
(kidding!)

that was pretty damn discouraging.

after that, i was waiting to pick up the bus home when i got a voicemail.
its' my new job calling.
they have bad news-
apparently,
the two people that interviewed me,
neglected to notice my available days to work.
it seems that the position i was taking over,
included both monday and wed. shifts.
so sorry,
a regrettable oversight,
they can't hire me after all.

what the fuck people?
were they too busy reading my fictional embarrassing moment,
that they forgot to look at my availability???
and even though they had already given me a schedule.

bad luck indeed.

(thanx to all those that celebrated the occasion of my new appointment,
if you want you drink money back,
go to the hickory and demand repayment.)

today was my wed. portion of classes.
guess what?
the math class had 6 newcomers.
according to my prof,
that means ANOTHER MATH TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i ask him:
so for those of us that made it the first day (and tested)
which one will go towards your grading scale??
to which he replies, "both, most likely."
wonderful.

just shoot me now.

hypnotism without subtlety

2004-08-19T20:27:00.000-05:00

all your friends are doing it.
it'll make you cool.
all the celebs are talking.
act now, and we'll throw in these lovely earrings!

you want to sign the guestbook
you know you do.....

jobs, lies, and confections

2004-08-19T19:28:00.000-05:00

so i got a job! Taa daaa!
yes, yes, thank you,
you may be seated.

my new position will be more lucrative than the last.
i haven't started yet,
but the place is an austin fixture-never a dead shift, im sure.

my new place of employ just happens to be
the one that wanted to know my most embarrasing moment.

i had invented a bit of fluff-
about my skirt tucked into my underwear and being oblivious to it
for part of a waitressing shift.
(pretty standard har har embarrassment)

those who know me
will laugh at the idea of wearing a skirt. to work.

after writing this complete fabrication i added:
"...now that i have humiliated myself for your reading pleasure,
feel free to grant me the opportunity of an interview"
and they did.
thankfully they didn't quiz me on my little fiction.

anyway, i get my new schedule tomorrow.
and school is starting on monday,
along with the bookstore job.
the next two weeks are going to be hectic,
but i actually am looking forward to it.
believe it or not,
i am bored to tears with a week of
no school,
no work,
and the result of the latter,
no income.

just ask the empty pints of ice cream i decimated in past few days.
it's funny, that...
considering i really don't care for sweet stuff.
(could it be because im bored out of my ever loving mind??)

usually by this time before a semester
i have all my textbooks and paper etc.
ready to go.
but those student loan people are evil.
waiting a week or more until after classes start to send book money seems pretty stupid.
if you ask me,
it puts the financial aid students at a disadvantage,
a step behind the credit card carriers.

but then again, no one asked me.

the tally of my book cost for twelve credit hours
is $317.00.
the last two semesters were worse,
i almost feel like i am getting off lucky.
almost.

not much can be done, so
i think i'll go count some change,
and get some ice cream.

oh-one more thing

2004-08-17T19:18:00.000-05:00

please sign my new guestbook, located under the links section on the left side bar.
(please????)

from the pavement, with love

2004-08-17T17:22:00.000-05:00

i have been technically unemployed for less than a week now.
i swear i am not panicking.
yet.
i have applied at six different bar/grillesque type places,
with a minimum of luck.
i did secure a temp job at the bookstore on campus.
i worked there last semester, and with the pay+ book discount,
i can pay for about half of my texts.
(gee.. i wonder why college enrollment has dropped...)
my friend who still works at the old place says business has been ok(ish).
they hired a really hot bartender.
and started actually advertising (!) in the campus paper.
she got to be in the picture.

fuck all.

i am starting to question if i made the right decision...
but there is no going back regardless.
i am not about to grovel to get my borg filled job back.
i'd rather work for Wal-"putting small business america out of work," Mart.
or for Home"buy everything for twice the price"Depot.
i think i am only miffed because i want my picture in the paper..

bitch.

anyway,
this is a strange city to put in applications.
they try to be funny and make the app more "personable"
at one well known bar, the app has this question:

What is your required salary?:
[] minimum wage
[] love and approval
[] other_____________

I checked the first two.
waitstaff minimum wage is $2.13 an hour,
i'll take the love and approval too, as long as they're offering.

another had this question:

When can you start?
[] immediately
[] never
[] other__________

well what idiot would pick anything other than "immediately"!
me, for one.
in the "other" space, i put
"as soon as you start paying me."

another place requested that you draw a picture of what working there-
would mean to you.
aww....
so sensitive and progressive!
sorry i forgot my crayons,
i'm trying to find a job, not enroll in daycare.

(people,
if i have to draw a freaking picture to get a job serving beer,
there is something really wrong with this world. )

today i applied at a place that had a very simple-and-to-the-point application.
which i usually prefer. (no crayons needed...)
then they screwed it all up.
at the very bottom it read:

"On the back of this page , in 1000 words or less, tell us about the most embarrassing thing that has happened to you."

no lie. this is exactly what is says.
is this a stumper or what?
is there anything i can say in response to this?
(that will still get me the job???)
"uh, the time i got wasted and (insert random humiliating stupidity)"
give me a break!
not only is this kind of thing obnoxious, it is rampant.

"What's your favorite song?"
or
"Discuss in detail the last three movies you have seen..."
and the old standby:
"Describe in words or pictures what you can bring to wherever bar and grill."
it goes on.

For each of these places i go,
i am spending 30-40 min to apply for a
2 dollar,
13 cent
per hour job.
this does not include travel time folks,
so damned if i am not filling them out while i am there.
so when i get the flower power b.s. applications like those mentioned above,
i typically make up something benign and mildly humorous,
and hope that if they call me back- i won't forget what crap i told them.

i am a prime example why employers should not ask cheesy questions on their apps.

if it were me, i would just talk to people.
what a concept!
but if for some unknown reason you have to ask silly application questions
(what reason?!)
ask good ones:

"describe what you learned in prison.."
or
"whoz your baby's momma (or daddy?)"
or
"whats that thing on your face?"

that at least would be an application to laugh about.
and if you actually got a serious response,
rip up the app.
simple!

more pounding the street tomorrow...

(maybe i should bring fingerpaints.)

Friday the 13th ex-co-worker party!

2004-08-14T19:19:00.000-05:00

random weird picture. i like when i really have no idea whats going on around me.

waitress? theres a fly in my drink!

2004-08-14T19:18:00.000-05:00

CW, J and MW watching the drowning of an alcoholic fly.

a moment after this shot was taken, MW plucked the fly to safety and then screamed "spit it out you bastard! i paid for that beer!"

bird flippin party?

2004-08-14T19:16:00.000-05:00

livestrong and lonestar, interesting mix....

at some functions the middle finger usage is a no-no.

well not here pal

2004-08-14T19:15:00.000-05:00

CJ doing the difficult "cigarette hangs from lip" trick, JB and R looking cute as always, and of course the ever present middle finger. (whose exactly? beats me.)

2004-08-14T19:13:00.000-05:00

more middle fingers!
fuckin' a, man!

2004-08-14T19:12:00.000-05:00

wrong finger, AJ.. pointing is so rude.

2004-08-14T19:06:00.000-05:00

MW just waiting to serve his famous knucle sandwich, or getting ready to eat it. who knows.

2004-08-14T19:05:00.000-05:00

CJ was obviously VERY upset by the lack of red bull, the man could barely drink his screwdrivers. poor guy.

2004-08-14T19:03:00.000-05:00

it would be a nice shot if that chick on the bottom left didn't look like such a freak

progress?

2004-08-13T13:50:00.000-05:00

hey ya'll
i updated my profile,
because i am waiting on something interesting to post.
so check out the new info to the left.
tonight is the liberated bar workers party...
details to follow

all good things must come to an end....

2004-08-11T15:06:00.000-05:00

win some, lose some, thats what i always say.
ok, so i'm not sure i have ever actually said that, but it would be appropriate.

i am abandoning the borg bar.
as are most of the other humans.
the human manager, myself, 2 waitpersons, and a bartender are all done with the place.
it will be interesting to see how the place runs without it's entire night crew.
the other day we had an employee meeting, during which every person who attended,
wished they hadn't.
later that night, after all the borgs went home,
we closed the bar down two hours early,
took our beer money elsewhere, and proceeded to get extremely intoxicated.

last night we had our own impromtu meeting.
it was easy since the employees outnumbered the customers.
i told everyone that i had just submitted my 2 week notice,
BP said she had done the same.
JB said he wanted to be gone by saturday.
AJ said he didn't want to stay either.
R? said this was her last week too.
i think once everyone realized that 5 out of 8 of the night crew were leaving,
well hell with it lets just all go now!
there was talk of a big walkout, but since there is not a night that we all work together-
it would be kinda silly.
somewhere along the way we just decided that we just would simply not go back.

the remaining employees are:
one bartender, a recently demoted cook, the dayshift waitress, and three new waitresses.
they are not so happy about it,
but they understand.
or if they don't, they will, very soon.

it is sad too.
we have all put so much into making this work.
i hope one of the old owners opens another bar,
like today.
i have never worked with a better cast of characters,
never enjoyed my job so much (until recently obviously..)
i wish we could walk into another bar together.
"hire all of us, because we are a great team, and we have our own clientele!"

we are having a celebratory booze fest this friday night,
at another local-ish pub.
i am pretty sure we will drink them out of lonestar, cheap bourbon, and monopolowa.
the legend continues...

long live the punchy's in all of us.

karma owes me. (or does it own me?)

2004-08-03T12:13:00.000-05:00

it has been forever sinces i have posted.
unfortunately it is because i am having a hard time being funny,
or even slightly interesting lately.
i am stressing a lot about everything it seems.
how interesting it is that when it rains,
it fucking floods.

category 1: work
our fearless leader, the human boss
(yes really!)
has left us afloat in a sea of borg-like supervisors.
they all were hired by the borg king,
and therefore are now the only employees who count.
the human boss has left us with little hope of his return.
(but, hope is hope however faint.)
as a result all the human or humanoid employees are on the brink of a mass exodus.
so what, you say?
well our old fearless leader used to do the schedule,
guess who is doing it now?
that's right ladies and gentlemen,
yours truly.
feeling like a traitor to the human race,
i accepted the task of headwait (after they gave it to someone else and then took it back,)
and now i am in charge of a handful of righteously pissed humans, some new to this whole drama.
but what the borgs do not know is that like myself, another of the managers is actually
human.
and all hopes for the future of the federation depend on our subterfuge.
wish us good luck and godspeed.
(really, i am so dramatic sometimes...
the whole startrek metaphor could have been bypassed by simply comparing the work situation to a playground screaming match over who is really the goose among all the ducks.)

category 2: money
directly relating to the above mediocre crisis, money is tight.
i am at work more,
but making significantly less.
i think the customers can smell the undercurrent of reality tv that is stinking up the place.
the waitstaff is surly (more than usual,)
and the new people are entering a hostile workplace.
the new menu lists about a thousand things we don't have,
and the food is completely inconsistent.
patrons hate inconsistency-
why do you think chain stores are so popular?
(maybe the customers are borgs too!)
human or not, they aren't coming in as much.
(disclaimer: to those who still come in to drink their poison of choice, we appreciate and admire your bravery in light of the borg infestation. we should all hope to display such courage)
and with paltry sales comes the other ugly twin, paltry tips.
not to mention i have too many people on the floor for training.
more people working + less people coming in=less money for all.
in addition, school is starting at the end of this month.
i was seriously looking forward to the loan disbursement to tide me over.
well,
sorrrie.
disbursement dates have changed.
no money is given out until after the semester is in session.
what the hell sense does that make??
it is my money after all.
well, eventually i will default on paying it back, right?

category 3: the return of the psycho
amid all the aforementioned pleasantry,
i get a call from the DA's office friday afternoon.
"uh yeah, we are gonna be going to trial on monday, maybe."
to which i tactfully reply:
"WHAT?!?!? that is all the notice you can give me? after over a year of waiting for ya'll to get your shit together?"
(saying it was tactful reply is called sarcasm. say it with me: sar-cas-m. very good.)
beautiful timing, man. christ.
for those of you who aren't privy to the happenings of my life prior to this blog,
i have a bonafide psycho stalker.
lucky me.
without going into all the gruesome details,
(that will be next week)
the stalker is still incarcerated and awaiting trial.
he has been offered a few plea bargains,
(that is an offer to plead guilty to a lesser charge than the felony stalking charge.
the state hates to pay for trials and would rather let the psycho go with a measly misdemeanors)
but he does not take the plea bargain, because he won't admit to doing anything wrong.
the guy is completely delusional.
for example: after being put away for stalking me, he continues to write me letters from jail.
smart.
and the prison still lets him.
am i the only one that sees the absurdity here?
so anyway...
i tell the DA that "monday, maybe" is a tad vague.
he says he wont know for sure until the day in question.
obviously this is category of problem directly conflicts with the work category.
so now i get to explain to the borg chiefs that, thanks for the "promotion" and all, um i may need to schedule myself out next week because of court.
you gonna go to jail?
no.
oh.
i can see the confusion this causes the borg community,
so i get to explain the stalker thing to them.
lucky me.
again.

men, borg or otherwise, never seem to believe me about the stalker thing.
it is really annoying.
my inner monologue always freaks out when i see the look of doubt when this topic arises:
who made you judge and jury, asshole?
you don't know me.
you weren't fucking there.
and it isn't even any of your fucking business anyway,
fucker!
it is sad how often this happens.
now i know kobe bryant's accuser feels.

anyhoo,
i call the DA bright and early monday morning.
still no news.
2:30 comes and goes and still no word.
i call again.
"oh sorry that i didn't call you back. looks like it will be next week afterall,
maybe"
aaaarrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhh!
the world had been overrun with borgs!

category 4: newton's law of motion #3
with all this crap going on there has been equal and opposite reactions to my (already fragile) state of being.
i have a constant pain in my stomach,
ulcer anyone?
more headaches,
and various other physical symtoms i don't want to go into.
i made a Dr appt,
but they were so booked that i get to wait till the end of this month to go,
which is also the same day school starts
(borgs)
of course i have no money to pay them,
(student loan borgs)
and for all i know i will be in the middle of trial,
dredging up last year's misery in front of a bunch of suit and tie types,
(bureaucratic borgs)
a jury,
(some with that doubtful look i'll bet.)
and the stalker himself.
joy.
it doesn't get any better than this folks.

since i haven't been feeling well,
and i'm stressed,
i do what rational people do.
get wasted drunk.
as a result, (damn newton)
i seem to have abandoned the sensor (censor?) in my brain that tells me to shuttup.
lately i have developed this bad habit of telling people exactly what i think-
what i think isn't always pretty (as if you couldn't tell.)
so if you want to know what i really think of you,
just buy me a drink.

success!

2004-07-28T15:40:00.000-05:00

i was finally able to add a side bar containing the links that i thought everyone would find interesting.
props to captain apathy for his help. (couldn't of done it without you man!)
to view these fascinating new additions to the fringe,
just scroll down the left side of the page to where it says-
check out these links.
you won't be disappointed.

so sue me

2004-07-27T14:32:00.000-05:00

yeah yeah yeah,
i know its been a few days since i last posted.
i installed a new operating system on the ol' frankenputer,
and am still working out some kinks.
also i am attempting some html stuff that i am completely new to.
see? all for you my loyal readers
(all two of you)
promise to post again soon

pre weekend despondency

2004-07-24T13:48:00.000-05:00

another day, another shower.
sometimes in the "morning" (my term for whenever i get up)
i dread getting into the shower.
does this happen to anyone else?
it is as if the shower is sucking away precious time.
"i just did this yesterday!"
perhaps it is this way because i am tiring of the routine.
get up,
let dog out,
check email,
drink coffee,
let dog back in,
take shower, (soak, shampoo, shave, conditioner, rinse)
dress for work, (black tank, jeans, docs)
apply makeup that will disappear after an hour of work,
check email again,
eat, or type blog,
go to work,
run around like a madwoman for a few hours,
sit,
smoke cigarettes, drink beer, converse,
go home,
drink more beer,
stay up too late,
finally go to sleep.

repeat.

janis joplin once said "...it's all the same fucking day, man..."

you said it janis.

loathe thy neighbor..

2004-07-21T19:35:00.000-05:00

i had finally gotten used to the old neighbors.
they were a couple with two dogs, a border collie and a sweet little ankle-biter.
the collie and my dog didn't always see eye to eye, but the ankle-biter and my dog had a bond.
the people they owned were a bit on the boring side, although very personable.
then,
they sold their house.

to people who cut down all the vegetation on their side of the property
and along our fence line.
with three dogs,
one obnoxiously yappy,
one sweet,
and one just downright mean.

i have to chaperone my dog into the yard, the mean dog looks like he is about to come over the fence and take a chunk out of him.
my dog plays it cool,
lifting his leg on our side of the chain link fence-
peeing directly on the frothing, growling, fanged, beast.

the yappy one is worse.
i can't go out and have a cigarette without inadvertently waking the entire neighborhood.
and the motorcycle?
forget it.
i may as well live in a dog pound.

the people of the family equally suck.
as i mentioned, there is no longer the lush green illusion of privacy between our yards.
that green "fence" often provided enough of a buffer between us and the old boarders,
that we could forsake the polite hellos, and how are yous,
when we were respectivly outside and not wanting to be bothered.
not now.
the mr. of the house,
after destroying various wildlife habitats by ripping out trees,
is now constantly in the yard doing something...
(doesn't this guy have a job??)
i am tempted to ask him to help develop a schedule where i can enjoy my yard, and he can run a chainsaw, rip up the deck, blast country music,
say i get sun, mon and wed?
he can have tues, thurs, fri and sat???? pleeze???
i have altogether given up on the idea of a tan this summer.
i really don't feel comfortable laying out in my yard when he is over there.
that see through metal fence doesn't provide enough cover for me.

apparently the mrs. of the house has no such problems.
today,
her rotund form was doing a yoga routine that brought to mind the death of a beached whale.
bitch.
how come she can roll around imitating a gran mal seizure,
when i am not comfortable baking my flesh in my own (fairly expensive) backyard?

i told the Bf that he shoud belch, scratch his ass, and pee alot outside, in order to offend the offensive couple enough to put up a privacy fence.

well shit...

2004-07-21T18:12:00.000-05:00

i had an anon comment politely letting me know that my posts have become somewhat irregular in their appearance.
sorry to those who are fans.
i have run into the limitations that accompany free web sites, in that i have been trying to add interesting links to the site, and i can't place them where i want to.
so, i tried to set up a new site elsewhere, and ran into the same problems.
i am telling you this in order to justify my slow posting habits. (it was with you all in mind!)
until i come up with a good name for my web site, i am stymied.
any suggestions?
i have to buy a domain name and i want it to be a good one, that isn't already taken.

last night i sat staring at my monitor until the wee hours of the morning,
coming up with all this amusing stuff you might like.
to drunk to type, (well)
i forgot it all.
it seem that i am equally blessed with writing ability-
as i am cursed with poor memory.
so be it.

lately i have been putting pressure on myself to write more.
as a result i am suffering from writer's block.

i suppose that some things in life,
typically those that make the most interesting topics-
are the most difficult to share.

every one has the friends that are listeners..
the people that you tell everything to.
i have a few. one for each topic:
one to bitch about men with,
one to bitch about women with,
one to bitch about work with,
one to gossip with,
one to talk about books with,
one to discuss depression with, and
there is always the "kiss and tell" friend, of course.
the problem is that two of my "listeners" are locked up right now.
i have no outlet, and less imput.
i can, and have, written letters, and i like letters, but they are so-
automatic, i guess.
"hi, how are you? i am fine. i am doing this and i did this and so and so went here,
love, incognito."
very one-sided.
this blog is not dissimilar, but i can read comments from those who care to join my solo conversation.
(poor dears..)
(kidding!)

i think what i need to do is carry around my legal pads more, and just write down what strikes me, however inconvienent:
me:"hi! welcome to So & So's what can i get for you to drink?   oh wait just a sec....
(scribble scribble)
         sorry, was that a guiness and,..... and a what now?
(more frantic writing...)
         hi, welcome to so &so's......."

i can see my tips swirling down the drain.
i work with a girl like this, who has too many thoughts in her brain to focus on, well, pretty much anything.
sometimes i wonder exactly what has taken up so much attention that she forgets so much, and so often.
maybe she is on a 7 sec. delay, and the instant she begins a new task, she remembers the old one.
this kind of thing is usually indicative of a person who absorbs much more than you or i,
but absorbing doesn't neccesarily mean retaining.
i hope ADHD isn't contagious,
because i have been experiencing some symptoms.....

(as if you couldn't tell)

blah

2004-07-18T13:57:00.000-05:00

i am so burnt out lately.
i am getting no sleep.
summer is fully upon us.
my recess is almost over-
i registered for class yesterday
Psyc..cool
hist..ok
spch..easy, i hope, knowing how much i can talk.
and.... drumroolllllllllll......
developmental math
for christ's sake! ...
how is it that i can't get math?!?!? i blame it on my 4th grade math teacher. he was such a turd. but if you have been reading for the duration,
i did study,
i just decided i most likely would benefit from taking the class then cramming for the test i failed last year by six points.
fucking math.
i can measure angles and figure whatever conjugation you can think of,
as long as this isnt involved:
x+y/v(7+4+$/3-*$*&xoxo)=html (or fucking whatever! )
am i just stupid or what?
(don't answer that.)

colette

2004-07-17T22:45:00.000-05:00

about a year ago, my mother recounted a dream she had, where she bumped into a girl
she knew from high school.
typical to dreams, though, her waking self didn't recognize the girl in the dream.
the dream girl told my mother that she was always impressed by my mom's amazing artwork,
and does she still paint?
to which my mother replied, "oh, well i don't really do that stuff anymore."

in my interpretation the dream was telling my mom something.
the girl she didn't recognize was probably herself-
maybe the self that loved creating art, the self that my mom left behind.

the conversation left me sad for the unfamiliar face in the dream,
an abandoned personality voicing her unhappiness over being kept quiet for so long.

to think of how many unrecognizable girls that used to be me...

today sucks

2004-07-17T15:03:00.000-05:00

i hate today
can we just move on to tomorrow?

would you like fries with that?

2004-07-17T03:31:00.000-05:00

late night drive thru...

at night, my mind is like a fast food restaurant.
it spits out ideas, nervous conversations, and bad dreams.
and it has served over a billion of them.
i came up with all these crazy, but seriously considerable
inventions,
a billion stories ,
a trillion interesting topics,
with no one to convey them to.
so instead I stare at the ceiling.

and damned,
if I can’t remember my brilliant innovations the next day.

sometimes I wonder who is really running the show. (?)

incognito reporting live...

2004-07-16T03:25:00.000-05:00

i want to write like the guys at the slam.
there is some need to practice,
just to get used to the keys and the mind to finger effectually on that which is the keyboard.
i have never understood the people who can type without watching where their fingers were.
then again, I never was much of a typist.

im insanely jealous of the poets on slam night.
they are theatrical and intelligent and sensible and beautiful
in giving me the right of audience to their emotions
though they know me not,
i hear their pain, their memories, their embarrassing dates, and their first loves.
poetry is the rawest of all the freedoms of expression.
art can give you the disguise of metaphor or color.
novels and movies give the illusion of candor, hidden in wit..
the hoarse voice of reality
is the poet’s domain.

but for that reason-I shouldn’t care.
i am no poet.
i report the realities.
reality lacks style.
there is no finesse to reality.
or it wouldn’t be reality-it would be fox news.

a shining moment in a sea of monotony

2004-07-15T14:37:00.000-05:00

i took myself to the poetry slam last night
all my friends were at work, and i wasn't, so i figured-
why not?
took the bus downtown, where i proceeded to walk in the opposite direction from where i wanted to go.
then i figured it out, turned around and walked back the way i came, feeling like an idiot
i don't think anyone noticed...
anyway, i get to the bar where they have the slam, and it is packed.
standing room only.
(which really sucks if you are 5'4)
if you have never been to one of these things, you are missing out.
no, really.
it is not a poetry reading,
where artsy types stand on stage and simper in haiku.
and it is not a beatnik thing,
with everyone in black.
its a slam. a contest.
these people get up on stage and tell their stories in rhythm.
its fascinating.
some poems are heart wrenching,
some are angry,
some lustful,
some hysterical.
the judges hold up their scores, and as the mcee reads them out,
the audience judges the judges.
if the crowd thinks the score is too low there is a collective-
ooooohhhhhhhhhh groan!
its fun.
MP and TK tried to meet me there after work,
but the bouncer turned them away because the bar was at max capacity.
i saw them exit and was about to follow them out, but the mcee said there was to be one last poem.
a tall man in horn rim glasses and a cowboy hat took the stage.
last time i went to the slam, me and MP accidentally stole his lone seat while he was up, so i felt sneaking out during his performance would be over the top rude.
in the first round he had recited a poem of love for his girlfriend who sat in the back, her feet guarding his chair.
he told the crowd this was to be his last slam.
he was moving back to ohio to be with his girl.
after the collective cry of disappointment he began.
i shamefully admit that i wasn't paying too much attention,
wondering if MP was waiting..
in the last line he said-
"when i read this to you on the phone, you said i must be tired..."
the audience laughs.
then he unexpectedly gets off the stage.
he walks straight back to the rear of the room.
the audience is clapping for his performance,
but they suddenly fall silent as the man in the cowboy hat drops to his knee, and takes his girl's hand.
"you were right, i am tired. tired of not seeing you, tired of not waking up next to you, tired of missing you."
he takes out a ring from his shirt pocket.
"i know this isn't much, but i love you, and promise to always love you...
...will you marry me?"
the girl replies, "yes, of course"
and they kiss,
oblivious to the yelling, applause, and misty eyes that surround them.
romance still exists...i saw it with my own misty eyes.

requisite group photo

2004-07-12T17:57:00.000-05:00

every shindig needs a group photo, except T got stuck with the camera.
(sorry dude!)
(note MP's purse..it is a fixture.)