12.29.2005

waning philosophical

Sitting outside of work tonight, I was struck with something I can't explain.
I certainly can't name it.
It seems to me that we live in a web of sorts.
Not the proverbial tangled web,
but one with other people.
People wash in and out of another's life in an eternal ebb and flow.
But the connections remain.
Did you ever find yourself thinking of someone and they happen to call?
I often already know who has emailed me before I check it, just a feeling.
Or you see a stranger, but you both feel strongly that you have met before.
That is the connection.
I am not sure it is really ever severed, but it maybe it ages from neglect.
I don't see it as telepathy,
I think it is a different type of energy.
I wonder what it is.

I imagine it operating in a similar way to business networking.
Meeting people in order to possibly develop contacts for the future.
Except in business it is a conscious act,
as in "I play golf with Steve, who is an accountant, maybe he can help."
Where as in the network I refer to, it could be sub/superconscious,
where the people you meet now, may have a profound effect on you later.
And/or vice versa.
It seems like an obvious thing to say. ummm....
Say two people hook up on vacation and fall instantly in love and never realize they went to the same school or something. They meant little or nothing to eachother in the past, but now the connection is entirely different.
It is like a scene in a movie where people who are destined to meet,
pass eachother on the subway.

Who knows.
I am having problems describing this revelation I had after a few Fireman4s.
Go figure.
It is very possible I am realizing how small of a world it is.
Or I am just getting drunk.

So on a lighter note,
what is everyone going to be, uh doing New Years Eve?
Ok. yes. drinking. I know.. But where?
Rumor has it that I am off for the eve, and working for the hangover day.
Bastard schedule. I am gonna try to switch.
It has to beat last year, when I got into a tequila drinking contest at 9 o'clock.
It took me about two days to recover, and I didn't even make it to midnight.
My head hurts just thinking about it.

I have forgone any hope for realistic New Years resolutions,
so am pleased to say that for this holiday my largest concerns are:
how much fun I will have, and what to wear to look cute.
The rest will take care of itself.

12.25.2005

listening to silence

It is a quiet night tonight.
I like it when I am driving around when the city is empty.
Fits my mood.
It is beautiful sometimes when all you hear is nothing,
and sometimes it is desolate,
which also is beautiful--in a tragic kind of way.

For some reason I only like to drive at night,
probably for the emptiness.
I could drive on for hours.
Only there isn't anywhere left to go,
and the sun has to come up sometime.

12.19.2005

for the love of...


Current mood: despondent

This is the third attempt at posting this blog.
The last two inexpicably vanished.

That really pisses me off.

I will try to recap what I wrote that disappeared.

Chrismas is here, no matter how much I try to ignore it.
The holidays always get me down.
I am doing ok at getting through the day, it is the night that is hard.
I think about people that were in my life and aren't any more.
I have made so many mistakes, been hurt, have hurt.
I think about my family, that largely has little to do with me.
I think about people who are far away,
and people who live here, that are still far away.
Distance is not measured in miles.

I have come to some conclusions about my life that I would have preferred to remain ignorant of:
1.) I am seriously flawed.
The people I love rarely love me back. It is not their fault. I think I tend to fall for the unattainable. Not supermodels, but those who have their own issues and don't want to deal with mine. I have heard the "its not you, its me" speech so many damn times that I have realized that it IS me...
2.)I will never have a family.
This one is the most difficult to accept. No matter what my stage in life, I always figured I would meet that someone, eventually get married and have kids. The fact that I am 27 and can't even manage to keep a relationship (see above) is a pretty good indicator this isn't going to happen for me. It sucks because I have to redraw my life's destinations. I envy those old couples who are still in love, and those who have love like I have never felt.
3.) I have managed to keep a safe distance from humanity.
This is not a good thing. I have felt enormous pain at the hands of others. And I do my whole bit, like I can't give a shit less. But really the thing is I cannot trust. When that barrier is overcome, it is inevitable that I will be damaged again. It is a cycle. I love, I get hurt, I get over it, and then I trust/love again, only to get fucked over. This time, I have nothing left in me to start this cycle over again.

So I guess that means I am alone.

There is something I want for Christmas more than anything else. But it isn't anything that I can say, write, or put on a list. The one wish I have is to be loved, despite my flaws. To say I miss those that understood me is an understatement.

Forgive me for being human, fucked up as I am.

12.12.2005

rants & etc.

I had kind of a strange weekend.
I am really not sure if I want to talk about it,
other than to say that people are fucking weird.
I don't get them at all.
Is it just me?
I know I am weird, but damn, people confound me... everytime.
Just when you think you know someone, they fuck it all up.
Fucking people.
Why do we feel the need to be around people?
Why do I spend way too much $ just to deal with people???
I deal with the public at my job, and the public is largely insipid,
so why do I choose to pay the same money I just earned to be around humans?
Maybe I don't even get me.

Being a waitress, I get to deal with all kinds of ridiculousness.
Right now, I am working in a movie theatre/restaurant.
Customers order food through the waitstaff, I bring it.
Not a complicated process.
What gets me is how often people forget what they ordered.
I walk up to them and say..."popcorn?"
8 times out of 10 they look bewildered.
Like "what is this girl speaking of????? Is she even speaking English?"
So I say again, "popcorn?"
And after a pause, one of them remembers that they ordered popcorn.
"Oh that's me."
What gets me is, it says "popcorn" ON THE BOX.
Even if they can't hear me, one should know it is popcorn.
In a fucking popcorn box with "popcorn" written on it in big letters.
This is not difficult.
Strangely enough this happens all the time.
My theatre also sells pizza.
It is pretty damn obvious that it is a pizza.
It looks like a pizza, smells like a pizza.
If I am taking it to your seat,
then most likely it is your pizza.
Today, I take a pepperoni pizza to this group
and I say. "who had the pepperoni pizza?"
And this guy looks at me with this befuddled expression.
"dunno, I ordered a pizza."
WTF?
Can you not see that I am holding a pizza?????????
Sometimes,
I will take an order to a row, and they will claim to never have ordered it.
The trick here is to get another expo to take it.
Because for some reason the 2nd time someone offers it, they remember.
Weird, right?
This doesn't happen with drinks. Don't ask me why.

Don't get me wrong, I really like my job.
And I like the majority of customers.
But quit giving me that "deer in headlights" look when I bring your food.

To prove I am not a total misanthrope,
I will tell you a bit about the customers I appreciate.
I like the ones that say, "thank you."
Because really, a thank you never hurt anyone.
I like people that tell me something is wrong,
let me know-so I can fix it, that is my job.
(It does neither of us any good to for you to be unhappy and tip shitty.)
I like people that ask for water when they ask for the rest of their drinks.
Save me the trip, water is a drink, even if it is free.
Patrons tend to underestimate the value of a smile.
You smile at me, and it changes the transaction for both of us.
This goes along with acknowledging your server as a person.
I don't want to be friends, but I am a person just like you. (but with less $.)

12.09.2005

candid statements of self

Current mood: restless

It is late, I am bored. Nothing new there.
Life has been going pretty well lately, hope you don't mind if I share.
(and if you do, fuck off.)

I like my new job, I get to see movies for free and work with cool people.
I fucking hate this cold fucking weather. (if you like it, move.)
I REALLY need some new myspace photos, interested in helping??
I am drinking my roomate's beer, ha!
Haven't gotten laid in over a month, and still haven't killed anyone... yet.
I desperately need to go grocery shopping.
School is almost over, I can almost feel it. Almost.
Managed to hang on to my sunglasses longer than my last relationship..
I need new socks.
No one reads my blog, or leaves me comments. (this means you....)
I have been looking all hot lately.
Got a 3am text from an ex, (they always come back.)
Recently saw an all female AC/DC tribute band. They rocked.
Hanging out with this badass bella lately...
Saw "Walk the Line" finally. I liked it a lot.
Having cabin fever.
Feeling sociable again.
Dicovered that mastubation is the key to a good night's/day's sleep.
Getting a lot more sleep.
I have 2 tests,
a speech,
and a paper due,
and then this gawdawful semster is over.
Someone, somewhere, is talking about me, or my ear is just ringing.
Dying to go see a good show soon, the need to mosh is upon me.
I am ignoring two bills in my mailbox. (not new)
Already devised a plan to avoid X-mas altogether.
Audrey will be here for a week!!! Yay! I've missed you girl...
I will have a new roomate soon, expect bitching.
In need of a party this weekend.
I wanna see Aeon Flux, even if it sucks, It's Aeon Flux people!
I am still awake. Sorry.
(not sorry)

Secretly, quietly, I still miss the sexy towel,
but that's not news...