One of the things I am thankful for...
is that I made it through another holiday without killing myself.
Fuck. Holidays blow. Think about it.
New Years Day:
If you are anything like me, New Year's Day is more like a private hell than a holiday. You are hungover as fuck, and you can't call in sick because everyone else is hungover as fuck. If you don't have to work then you are subject to family meals of pork and sauerkraut and those gawdawful blackeyed peas. A great combo to see later in your toilet.
This holiday should simply be abolished. If you are with someone, you are under pressure to get them meaningful gifts. For women, we try to find that thing you mentioned once, and when we give it to guys, you have obviously forgotten that you mentioned it. For guys it is worse. I hate to say this, but it is true--chicks are hoping for the ring, and if you make any hints at how much we will love your gift, and it isn't a ring, well, hell hath no fury. If you are single then it is just another day for complete self loathing and possible desperate hook up situations. The only time I can rememnber being involved on this holiday, I got a deep fryer which he ended off keeping. Romantic. Next V-day I am locking myself in a closet.
St Patrick's Day:
Nobody really remembers the point behind St. Pat's other than the copious amounts of green beer ingested and then shortly there after regurgitated. But for some reason, next year, we still haven't learned our lesson. What in the hell possesses us to drink that shit? It is the cheapest beer the bar can find, and it is GREEN people! Oh, and we all know you aren't Irish, so we sure as hell won't kiss you, so quit wearing the shirt for fuck's sake.
April Fools Day:
This holiday is a pseudo-holiday. No one gets off of work and we still have to be aware of random people being assholes for no other reason than to laugh at your foolishness for being a trusting human being. I am not usually affected, because people are lousy liars, unless of course they are using the L-word. Next April 1st I am telling everyone that I am really hate them. And I won't be kidding.
Another religious holiday that I can't figure out. What is the connection between Jesus and a rabbit with a fondness for eggs? It is a rabbit, not a fucking chicken! Where the fuck do the eggs come in!?! Not to mention the candy and chocolate. I wonder if my great-grandchildren will be worshipping a chocolate bunny that lays eggs. Who am I kidding, I won't procreate. Your grandchildren are at risk though.
Just call it guilt day and get it over with. Why is it you never call? Why aren't you married yet? I spent 4 bajillion hours in labor with you and look at how you repay me. Flowers?? What did I do wrong by you? I am telling your father.
Guilt day revisited. Thanks for the tie/mug/bottle of bourbon. Your mother wants to know why you are still single. What did we do wrong by you?
Yes yes, our forefathers fought for our freedom from the British, so we could be controlled by fascist American pigs. Let us celebrate by staging fireworks that blow off hand after hand year after year, not to mention the drunk driving accidents. America. Fuck yeah.
Personally, I have no problems with this holiday, because I have no kids.
A decadent feast commemorating the kindness of of Native Americans and then the eradication of their people. Cheerful. Americans suck. So does the dog-eat-dog atmosphere of grocery stores during this thankful season. As do the hours of preparation, presentation, being nice to relatives, (not always yours) and the 3 day cleanup. Wait, what doesn't suck about it?
The mother of all holidays. We put ourselves in debt buying commercial gifts foisted upon us by the media in order to celebrate the birth of Jesus. Riiight.
And there is this Santa person. The only similarity between religious and commercial Christmas is the guilt factor. If you are good you get presents in heaven. If you are bad you get coal in hell. And if you cant afford iPods for everyone then you are most certainly going to hell. This is another fun holiday for the lonely. By 'fun' I mean most would prefer Chinese water torture.
New Years Eve:
Sounds like fun in theory, get drunk to commemorate the closing year and set goals for the new one. For me it is more like, get drunk and depressed since this year was just like the last year, and the year before that, etc. I never did quit smoking, I still don't exercise or eat right, I still haven't found "the one."
This holiday may be the worst because it promises good times and rarely delivers, plus you have the next day (year) to deal with.
(See: New Years Day.)
So for those of you that just love the holidays, fuck you.
You'd better hope that I don't have an Uzi handy when you start whistling Christmas carols.
|Currently listening: |
Hooray for Boobies
By Bloodhound Gang
Release date: By 29 February, 2000