10.29.2005

new news

Current mood: hopeful

So here I am at like 2:30am and can't sleep.
So what else is new?
Well lots of stuff...

1.) I finally got my scooter.
Unfortunately, I can't get the balls up to ride it anywhere.
The last time I was on 2 wheels, I wrecked a motorcycle.
That kind of thing sticks with you for a while.
So, everytime I try to take the scoot out, my palms get all sweaty.
I would appreciate any advice from the throttle happy.

2.) The planets seem to be aligning, perhaps in my favor.
I have had a series of bizzare, yet cool, coincidences lately.
That, and the fact I am in love.
I do, as always, fear that the miasma of shitty-love-luck will return,
but I am trying lke hell to not let it hamper my newfound fortune.
I swear, I keep my fingers crossed on a 24 hour basis.
Really!

3.) I have a new job.
Still waitressing, at this insanely run joint.
Today was my first day, and well...
6 people asked me if I was coming back tomorrow.
That is how fucked up it is. Exceedingly high turnover, anyone?
I can't promise that I will be there for very long.
I don't think I like it, and the hours blow goats,
but at least I have something.
For now.
At least they embrace my ink-which is a blessing.

4.) School is going ok.
Speech class is daunting however.
I wish I could have a few shots before class.
Too bad it is at noon.
Why the fuck am I so afraid of that class,
when it is so obvious that I can't shut the fuck up any other time????

5.) I had a great week.
I met some cool folk,
got a bunch of makeup in the mail from mom, (yay!)
got a job without sweating,
got in a student loan check that I forgot about,
got some lovin'... ahem...

6.) It is Halloween! My favoritist holiday.
I am going to be a cheerleader from Nirvana's Teen Spirit video.
And- I get to wear my costume to work
Sweet, huh?
And then after that, I actually have a party to go to!
Where the awesomist guy will be...
The only part that sucks is that I have to work at noon the next day. Ugh.
We shall see how that goes.

Wish me luck.
Good luck that is...


Currently listening:
Demon Days
By Gorillaz
Release date: By 24 May, 2005

10.20.2005

calling in all favors and/or love

Current mood: indifferent

Finally I have joined a group!

That is, the ranks of the unemployed.
This is the third job in a row that I really like until the management changes,
and then it turns as rotten as rancid meat.

I ask kindly of you,
do you have any job leads for a friend???
Can you pay back that 20 bucks I lent you?
Can you pretend you care long enough to buy me a drink?

You can bet your sweet as I need one.
Or 12.
Either way you're buying.

Last night...

I had the strangest dream.

I went to bed (early for me,)
as I had been talking to friends, family, and those closer,
and they all were going through very similar things.
Some just pissed, some mildly depressed, some in a bad way.
It seems like a lot of people I know are feeling that way right now,
I wonder why?
I have a few theories about how a human psyche can only handle so much
tragedy, war, and other of the like...
But that is a whole other blog.

So anyway,
after talking to my friends, and doing my best to be optimistic for them,
I got off the phone and thought for a while about what I am going through.
Not go into detail, but I am under a nice ton or so of stress,
and it seems to be coming at me from all angles.
I lack the receptacle ear to pour things into,
or if I have it, I ususully can't pour, so to speak.
So I went to bed.

When I woke up I was lying on the floor in the room that I grew up in.
Something was choaking me,
so I reached into my mouth and spit out a nasty lump of stuff.
Then I looked around.
My childhood room was a mess.
Crammed full of CD's, clothes, posters, pictures, letters, strewn everywhere.
There was someone knocking on the door,
but there was so much stuff everywhere, I couldn't get to the door.
I opened the closet door, and decided to pick up,
so I could get to whoever was knocking.
More stuff fell from the packed closet.
So I picked up some of the stuff from around the room,
in an attempt to set it straight, and then realized there was simply too much
to make it tidy.
What was all this junk??
I started looking at the objects that were around me...
Pictures of faces that I never want to see again,
a mix tape full of songs that meant nothing,
a break up letter,
some loser's t-shirt.
All things long buried in the past, or so I thought.

It was only then that I realized that I was dreaming.
These objects had existed once, but I had thrown them away.
But not entirely it seems....
I think I made a visit to my baggage department,
and damn there is a lot there,
to throw away for good this time.

10.11.2005

will it ever get easier?

Hello all (two of you)...
How have things been?

My life has been insane as usual...
Strangely enough, I am still seeing the guy from my last post.
Ok well, seeing may not be the best way to describe it.
Let me explain...
My boy, let's call him ummmm, oh fuck it, I'll just stick to "my boy."
MB lives on the north side of town,
I am southside.
Neither of us own vehicular transportation,
and my schedule is completely nuts.
I work nights at hell, I mean, uh, my job, Thurs-Sat,
and sometimes Sunday when they want to torture me.
I attend school from 12-4 on Mon and Wed,
He works 3 days on, doubles, (generally Wed- Sat.) and has 4 days off.
Basically this leaves (sometimes) Sunday, Monday eve, and Tuesday.
These are the only viable times to do homework, and I have a shit ton of it.
The bus ride from our houses runs 40-50 minutes long, and stops running early.
I can go there, and try to study,
but it is close to impossible since the TV is always on,
there are random parties thrown,
and a bunch of boys, being boys.
He can come here, but is usually bored stupid,
because I have no cable, no game system, and I am well, studying.
Plus I find it hard to get any homework done when the object of my affections is
actually IN my presence.
How in the hell,
am I supposed to make this happen without something missing the attention deserved?
Lately everytime we see eachother, we end off fighting because we never see eachother.
It would be easy to spend Monday eve, and leave sometime Tuesday,
but since my roomie literally lives up her BF's ass,
there is no one here to let the furface out.
So he is feeling I don't make enough effort,
and I am feeling like he hates being at my house.
It is a cycle of me feeling lonely, and when that happens other things suffer:
schoolwork,
friendships,
blogs,
furface,
and MB.

On the upside I am buying a scooter,
which may help or hinder the issue.
It will still take me as long to get to his house as the bus.
(we are talking like 30 mph here people.)
It is too small to carry a passenger,
and it still doesn't solve the problem of who who will let the dog out.
(add in the requisite whoot, whoot, whoot. ha.)
The upside is I will be able to come and go regardless of the bus schedule,
as long as I am not drinking.
(This one worries me a bit.)
And I can go by and see him at work on Wed eve, just to keep the romance rolling.

Why does everything have to be so complicated?
Last time we hung out was enforced by our friends.
They came all the fucking way down here to get me,
went and picked him up at work,
and we finally met up together at a bar close to his house.
There were inherent flaws in this, that I saw coming.
1) I just came from a video shoot where drinking was mandatory. (so I was already pretty up there)
2.) He was just getting off his 3rd double in a row.
3.) We hadn't seen eachother in a while, because of some depression issues an both our parts.
3a.) we hadn't really been communicating about what was going on in our heads.
4.) I had no way home, unless I took the bus the next day, and I had to be at work at three.
4a.) Cabs are really fucking expensive. (thanks Apathy for the offer but I couln't take it.)
So what happens?
My drunk ass decides that NOW is the time to try and sort out what's been (not) going on between us lately.
His tired, drunk ass gets defensive,
and reiterates that "why do we always have to hang out at your house?" thing.
And then he says something about how If I wasn't so fucking worried about my dog,
I could be there at his will.
That pissed me off.
I left.
At 4 something in the morning on the eastside.
Fantastic idea.
Tried to call my roomie, hoping she may be still awake.
Ironically enough she actually IS at the house.
At this point, I am a few blocks from MB's house,
and am too upset to go back.
So I take a long cab ride home in misery.

I try to call him the next day, phone's out.
So I borrowed my roomie's car, sans permission, which I probably wouldn't have gotten,
and drive over there Sunday.
We have made nice, I promised to not try and talk important shit after drinking,
He promised to not allow me to leave angry in the middle of the night.
We realized that we get PMSy around the same time,
and my first inclination is to go towards the one I love,
and his first inclination is retreat from everything.

So we say our sorries, and hug for a time realizing we almost gave up.
Although the problems aren't really solved, are they?