12.19.2005

for the love of...


Current mood: despondent

This is the third attempt at posting this blog.
The last two inexpicably vanished.

That really pisses me off.

I will try to recap what I wrote that disappeared.

Chrismas is here, no matter how much I try to ignore it.
The holidays always get me down.
I am doing ok at getting through the day, it is the night that is hard.
I think about people that were in my life and aren't any more.
I have made so many mistakes, been hurt, have hurt.
I think about my family, that largely has little to do with me.
I think about people who are far away,
and people who live here, that are still far away.
Distance is not measured in miles.

I have come to some conclusions about my life that I would have preferred to remain ignorant of:
1.) I am seriously flawed.
The people I love rarely love me back. It is not their fault. I think I tend to fall for the unattainable. Not supermodels, but those who have their own issues and don't want to deal with mine. I have heard the "its not you, its me" speech so many damn times that I have realized that it IS me...
2.)I will never have a family.
This one is the most difficult to accept. No matter what my stage in life, I always figured I would meet that someone, eventually get married and have kids. The fact that I am 27 and can't even manage to keep a relationship (see above) is a pretty good indicator this isn't going to happen for me. It sucks because I have to redraw my life's destinations. I envy those old couples who are still in love, and those who have love like I have never felt.
3.) I have managed to keep a safe distance from humanity.
This is not a good thing. I have felt enormous pain at the hands of others. And I do my whole bit, like I can't give a shit less. But really the thing is I cannot trust. When that barrier is overcome, it is inevitable that I will be damaged again. It is a cycle. I love, I get hurt, I get over it, and then I trust/love again, only to get fucked over. This time, I have nothing left in me to start this cycle over again.

So I guess that means I am alone.

There is something I want for Christmas more than anything else. But it isn't anything that I can say, write, or put on a list. The one wish I have is to be loved, despite my flaws. To say I miss those that understood me is an understatement.

Forgive me for being human, fucked up as I am.

1 Comments:

Blogger kennilingus said...

I love you!!!! And always will!!!

2:31 AM  

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