One of the things I am thankful for...
is that I made it through another holiday without killing myself.

Fuck. Holidays blow. Think about it.

New Years Day:
If you are anything like me, New Year's Day is more like a private hell than a holiday. You are hungover as fuck, and you can't call in sick because everyone else is hungover as fuck. If you don't have to work then you are subject to family meals of pork and sauerkraut and those gawdawful blackeyed peas. A great combo to see later in your toilet.

Valentine's Day:
This holiday should simply be abolished. If you are with someone, you are under pressure to get them meaningful gifts. For women, we try to find that thing you mentioned once, and when we give it to guys, you have obviously forgotten that you mentioned it. For guys it is worse. I hate to say this, but it is true--chicks are hoping for the ring, and if you make any hints at how much we will love your gift, and it isn't a ring, well, hell hath no fury. If you are single then it is just another day for complete self loathing and possible desperate hook up situations. The only time I can rememnber being involved on this holiday, I got a deep fryer which he ended off keeping. Romantic. Next V-day I am locking myself in a closet.

St Patrick's Day:
Nobody really remembers the point behind St. Pat's other than the copious amounts of green beer ingested and then shortly there after regurgitated. But for some reason, next year, we still haven't learned our lesson. What in the hell possesses us to drink that shit? It is the cheapest beer the bar can find, and it is GREEN people! Oh, and we all know you aren't Irish, so we sure as hell won't kiss you, so quit wearing the shirt for fuck's sake.

April Fools Day:
This holiday is a pseudo-holiday. No one gets off of work and we still have to be aware of random people being assholes for no other reason than to laugh at your foolishness for being a trusting human being. I am not usually affected, because people are lousy liars, unless of course they are using the L-word. Next April 1st I am telling everyone that I am really hate them. And I won't be kidding.

Another religious holiday that I can't figure out. What is the connection between Jesus and a rabbit with a fondness for eggs? It is a rabbit, not a fucking chicken! Where the fuck do the eggs come in!?! Not to mention the candy and chocolate. I wonder if my great-grandchildren will be worshipping a chocolate bunny that lays eggs. Who am I kidding, I won't procreate. Your grandchildren are at risk though.

Mother's day:
Just call it guilt day and get it over with. Why is it you never call? Why aren't you married yet? I spent 4 bajillion hours in labor with you and look at how you repay me. Flowers?? What did I do wrong by you? I am telling your father.

Father's day:
Guilt day revisited. Thanks for the tie/mug/bottle of bourbon. Your mother wants to know why you are still single. What did we do wrong by you?

Independence day:
Yes yes, our forefathers fought for our freedom from the British, so we could be controlled by fascist American pigs. Let us celebrate by staging fireworks that blow off hand after hand year after year, not to mention the drunk driving accidents. America. Fuck yeah.

Personally, I have no problems with this holiday, because I have no kids.

A decadent feast commemorating the kindness of of Native Americans and then the eradication of their people. Cheerful. Americans suck. So does the dog-eat-dog atmosphere of grocery stores during this thankful season. As do the hours of preparation, presentation, being nice to relatives, (not always yours) and the 3 day cleanup. Wait, what doesn't suck about it?

The mother of all holidays. We put ourselves in debt buying commercial gifts foisted upon us by the media in order to celebrate the birth of Jesus. Riiight.
And there is this Santa person. The only similarity between religious and commercial Christmas is the guilt factor. If you are good you get presents in heaven. If you are bad you get coal in hell. And if you cant afford iPods for everyone then you are most certainly going to hell. This is another fun holiday for the lonely. By 'fun' I mean most would prefer Chinese water torture.

New Years Eve:
Sounds like fun in theory, get drunk to commemorate the closing year and set goals for the new one. For me it is more like, get drunk and depressed since this year was just like the last year, and the year before that, etc. I never did quit smoking, I still don't exercise or eat right, I still haven't found "the one."
This holiday may be the worst because it promises good times and rarely delivers, plus you have the next day (year) to deal with.
(See: New Years Day.)

So for those of you that just love the holidays, fuck you.
You'd better hope that I don't have an Uzi handy when you start whistling Christmas carols.

Currently listening:
Hooray for Boobies
By Bloodhound Gang
Release date: By 29 February, 2000


rambling etc.

The insomnia is getting worse.
Now it goes both ways. (insert obvious/obnoxious joke here...)
I can't sleep until late and then wake up only a few hours later.
Hence the post at 5 in the am.
I have always been a late night person, but when I finally got to sleep, I slept.
Not anymore I guess.
Tonight I have less than 4 hours.
Last night was the same.
I suppose it could be because I am under a fair amount of stress,
but this is nothing new...
I have a speech to give on Monday that I am totally unprepared for,
A presentation on Wed. with the same difficulty.
I just started a new job (yay!) and will be working a lot.
I have 2 papers to write, and am stuck on a UT essay.
I doubt that these reasons are causing (more) sleeping problems,
simply because I am always juggling 10,535,416,129 things at a time.
What gives?????
I am also feeling apathetic lately.
Don't feel like cleaning the house,
don't feel like cooking,
don't wanna yak on the phone,
don't wanna study.
Maybe it's the stress, but I thrive on stress.
Maybe it is my single status, but it is my choice to stay that way.
Maybe it is the holidays, but I always hate the holidays.
Maybe I need a vacation.

Just so you know I am trying to bore myself to sleep,
if you want to stay awake-stop reading, or rather, don't start.

New stuff:
-Job. I am working at the Alamo Drafthouse on S.Lamar. So far I like it, and I am working on Thanksgiving and Christmas which is fine by me. Less time to be sad about being an island.
-Furface. Apparently he wants to be a chimney sweep. I came home tonight, uh... last night, and his face was all black. I was perplexed until I saw him climbing into the (unlit, of course) fireplace. What the hell is that about????
-Going out. I won't be hitting my usual haunts anytime soon. I am hella broke, and the last three times I went out I got, "hey you are ____'s girlfriend right?" That is so damn annoying. No only do I not recognize the person, but I get to reply, "uh, not lately." And then the awkward silence insues. If you don't know my damned name, please leave me to my drinking, k?
-Sex. I have decided that my next partner can only be Dane Cook, Jon Stewart, or Salma Hayek. No one else need apply. ( I am rooting for you Dane!) Needless to say I'm not holding my breath, 'cuz passing out gets old.
-Pictures. I need some new ones. I made the mistake of sending my mom some photos, and now she wants newer ones. How to explain to her that it is rather strange to ask friends and/or random strangers to take photos of you. (Photos I can send to my mom that is.)
-Movies. I get to see them for free. And I can bring a guest. And I get $10 off the beer tab. I usually don't go to the theater, but if it is cheaper then a rental, why not? No, I already asked, I can't bring the dog. He is in the fireplace anyway.
-Sleep. Now it is 6am and I am still wide awake. Lame. Too bad I can't market whatever is wrong with me. I'd make a mint. Just ask the people who produce, caffine, no-doz, and methamphetamine. (damn thats a long word.) I can see the slogan now, "Be awake and unproductive to society-the natural way!"
-Blogs. Nobody reads mine. Gee, I wonder why. Probably the same reason I rarely get emails, phonecalls or friends. Have people finally figured out that I am a misanthrope? Stupid people.
-Imagination. I apparently have lost mine. If you find it, please throw it in a mailbox or something. Same goes for optimism.

Sorry to bore you, but it is your own fault. I told you people are stupid.
Oh yeah, Happy Thanksgiving and all that crap.



So this guy I used to know believes himself to be a magician.

He thinks he can make things disappear, whenever he feels the whim.

I didn't find out about it until recently,
but I had always wondered what had happened to things he seemed to like.
I'd say, "Where did your dog go?"
And he would shrug. "Dunno."

The other thing was that he would talk fondly of people I had never met.
Him: "Yeah, Carl was so fucking hilarious..."
I would wonder, was hilarious? As in, not hilarious anymore?
Me: "Is Carl here in Austin?"
Him: "Dunno."

I started to wonder when the friends I had met were no longer around.
Me: "Where's Tony? Haven't seen him in a while...."
Him: "Dunno."

Other signs were there too.
Mysterious photos on the fridge,
Him: "Oh thats my ex."
Me: "Cute. What happened with her?"
Him: "Dunno."

I guess I was getting too curious, because he showed me his talent.
Him: "I can even make you disappear."
Me: "Oh yeah?"
Him: "It's easy, watch."
He paused for drama, and then made the magic hands....
Nothing happened.
Me: "I am still here."
Me: "Hello!"
Me: ".....Hello?!???"
Then he lit a cigarette and turned back to the TV.
In walks his friend, who says, "What happened to your girlfriend?"
He shrugs and says, "Dunno."


just add water

Love reminds me of a bubble bath.

You think, well a shower would be more convienent with the same results,
but a voice says, "c'mon, you owe it to yourself to take a relaxing soak."
So you go through all the hassle of cleaning out the tub,
getting out the suds, salts and whatever.
Get the temperature just right,
maybe light a candle,
put on some music,
and grab a book.
It is funny how you are never cold when you are getting in the tub,
you take your time right?
One foot in to test,
a minute later you have both feet in, kicking around the water a bit,
slowwwwly ease your butt in the water,
stretch out your legs, let the heat soak in,
carefully sink down, lower and lower,
until that last moment where you let your body adjust to the hot water,
and then finally relax.
It is right about now that you realize the water is draining out.
The stopper is broke, or you kicked it, or someone is fucking with you.
Just when you were getting used to the hot water, it's gone.
You are now naked, shivering cold, pruny and as vulnerable as a newborn.
Where is that fucking towel?

I have heard the saying, "It is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all."
I say, no thanks, I'll stick with showers.


25 reasons that single is simplistic

1) I can rent any shit-ass movie I want.
2) I don't feel obligated to be friendly with your friends.
3) No one cares if I wear make up, do my hair, or dress like a girl.
4) I can be a complete bitch without anyone asking if it's my "time."
5) There is no need to explain my whereabouts, who I was with, etc.
6) No one cares about my day. It was boring anyway.
7) I can sleep with a stuffed toy. It is more satisfying. And smells better.
8) I don't have to be anywhere, I am on my own schedule.
9) My dog is happy to see me, that is all that matters.
10) I don't have to say, "It's ok, it happens to all guys."
11) I don't have to fake it.
12) No need to buy that extra toothbrush.
13) There is no longer need to laugh at the jokes that you stole from me.
14) I don't have to make excuses for you to my friends.
15) I don't feel the need "talk you up," you aren't there anyway.
16) No hair, loogies, or other gross shit in my sink.
17) I can cook what I want, replete with all the shit you don't like.
18) I don't have to pretend I like your cooking.
19) No forever long bus trips to watch you play playstation.
20) The seat is never up.
21) Vibrator. Need I say more?
22) No need to baby you when you are sick/do something stupid.
23) I can say/feel however I want without concern that you will take it the wrong way.
24) I never have to agonize over if you care, or if you are angry, or upset.
25) I know you've make a mistake in letting me go. If you don't know it, you soon will.
Fuck, I'm a catch!



So a week has passed since the breakup,
and I am pretty sure I will live.
I am trying to focus on making things better for me.
Doing schoolwork,
applying to UT,
shit like that.
It has been pretty solitary though.

What else.....
Still jobless, and not sure I care.
Still feeling pretty friendless,
where IS everyone??
Still plodding my way through school.
Still drinking and smoking too much.
Fuck it.
Feeling less rage.
Feeling less everything.
I am trying to embrace my lonely solitude.
It is there whether I am around people or not.
I should have long ago accepted it.

My mother says that I am intimidating because I am both the intellectual,
and the party girl.
Maybe she is right.
I have difficulty relating to my party friends on any other level,
and the intellectuals don't know what to make of me.
I suppose it is similar to being bisexual.
Neither the gay, nor the straight crowds trust me.
I am not in the grey area, I am in both the black and the white.
It seems like in every aspect of my life I am divided on some level.
Both passionate and ambigous.
Equally strong and passive.
The glass is both half empty and half full, isn't it?
Am I the only one that can be happy in more than one catagory?


i'm a loser baby

As usual I can't sleep and have little to say.
I am single, again.
I am still unemployed.
I am feeling pretty shitty about it all.
I got fired and dumped within a short amount of time.

Funny thing is, I am fucking pissed.
I mean, yeah, sure the ever-present depression is still there,
but I am surprised by the underlying current of rage.
I wish I had a hotel room to go rockstar on,
a punching bag,
or some really potent valium.
I have a generally even temper, so this is unusual for me.
I am doing my best to behave myself,
but I am thinking this is not helping me.
Perhaps I should take up boxing,
or knife throwing.

I am not all that mad at the guy,
though it hurts to think about him.
I deleted my myspace profile,
before the humiliation of him deleting me.
Although I guess he deleted me in the the realspace.
I just didn't want to stick around and see who he replaced me with.
To him I am just another passed opportunity,
I am sure he will continue his happy manipulation.
I should have never believed him.

I suppose my trust is my downfall.
You would think that after taking so many hits,
I would learn.
Perhaps it is my persistence which is my downfall.

So here I am again, picking up the pieces.
Let me tell you,
(who am i kidding, no one reads this...)
there ain't a whole hell of a lot left to pick up.

I can't sleep,
I can't eat,
I can't focus.
I can't even talk about it.
Just as well, since no one wants to listen.
This has been the worst year in a long time,
and I haven't even made it through the holidays yet.
I don't want to feel this hopeless,
I want to be done with sadness,
but I am not sure I know how.

It is times like these that I wished I believed in God.
It would be so nice to have faith in something.


i don't know why i bother

So it seems that the optimism from my last post is roadkill.
Not surprised?
Me neither.
Job, gone.
Relationship, doubtful.

I give up.
No really, I mean it.
I am so tired of it all.

They love me for a while, and then they stop.
I can't help but accept that it is me,
I am so inherently flawed that happiness is not an option.
Everytime, I think "ok I won't get hung up on this one."
and then I am convinced that I should.
So I give my love, and find that the object of my affections doesn't really want it.
Then why ask for it????
Why go through all the time it takes to woo me,
just to throw me away once you have me?

The last contact I had with my guy was delivered via text message:
"I want to be able to do my shit without any extra pressure.
If you can handle that we'll be fine."
That was Monday.
I haven't heard from him since.
"extra pressure" apparently means me.
I am such an obligation, I know.
We see eachother once a week.
Last Thursday he got a ride over to my house.
I took him to dinner,
we watched a movie,
and then I took him out for drinks.

Man, what a bitch I am!

The only pressure I put on him is when I say,
I miss you, when can we get together?

I guess that is too much.

This situation is compounded by other shit,
or rather perhaps it is making other shit more difficult to deal with.
It is hard to go job hunting when I can barely get out of bed,
and my eyes are all puffy from that wet stuff that keeps coming out of them.
My closest friends are no where near me,
my nearby friends, well, it seems I don't have any.
Fuck, no one even reads this thing anymore.
I can't motivate myself to even clean the house.
I have spent the past week doing little more than watching CSI.

I am at the end of the proverbial rope.

This is usually when I consider moving away.
It is just that I have moved away so many times,
and nothing changes but the zip code.
No matter how far I go, I am still stuck with me.