thanks for nothing

I got an email this morning with the subject line saying:
"Awesome plug for you!"
that contained a link I wish I had never followed.
A well meaning fan(?) of mine posted the link to my blog on Craigslist.
Dude, thanks, but don't do that again.
If I really gave a shit what random people thought about my website,
I would advertise it myself.
Not only that, but I enjoy the anonymity the net offers.
If someone randomly clicks on this site and doesn't like it,
then they click onward. No harm no foul.
But now, after following the link he sent me,
(and out of pure curiosity,)
I got to read all the negative things people said about my journal.
A real pick me up, let me tell you.
I awoke this morning in a decent mood,
and now I feel like dog shit.
So thanks for nothing well-meaning-fan,
and if you don't delete that post with my link,
I will have to hunt you down and shoot you.

To the readers of Craigslist who innocently clicked a random link-
sorry you bothered,
the trash I post isn't fit for human consumption.
To the Craigslist readers who took it upon themselves to
judge me, insult me, nitpick over my grammar,
call me "so stupid it is painful," etc,
Why don't you go back to the intelligent conversations about fat chicks,
and "boobie" pictures?


the numbers game

I wanted to write some more about the disaster in Asia,
for no other reason that it is so tragic.
But I find that I don't have anything to say.
Today's reports show the death toll upwards of 80,000.
It is expected to reach 100,000.
Children are the majority of the victims.
I cannot help but draw a parallel as I did in my last post,
of innocents dying in Asia, and of civilians dying in Iraq.
All this needless death.

Recently, the U.N. let the US know its opinion on the amount of aid
we are giving to Asia.
After this remark the US doubled it's efforts to over 35 million.
All this sounds like a lot of money right?
Well not when you put it next to this figure.
Having difficulty conceiving of the amount of cash we are talking here?
This great visual site will help, please be sure to read to the bottom of the
page for more recent calculations.

If these figures don't make you wonder about the priorities of the US government,
nothing will...


a thought for those in the throes of tragedy

Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep at about 5 am,
I was thinking of what my next post should be about.
I remembered that I had hinted at a follow up post containing all the compelling
reasons I had to move to Thailand.
I has sleepily devised a witty list and subsequent banter,
and intended to work on it this evening when I got home from work.

Well then, I watched CNN.
It seems that while I was drifting off to sweet dreams of Southeast Asia,
This was happening:

Countries struck by tsunamis in the wake of the most powerful earthquake the planet has seen in 40 years.

Thailand seems to have escaped most of the devastation,
as its death toll numbers are less than than some of the other affected countries.

The confirmed death toll from tidal waves which smashed into southern Thai touris havens
approch 400.

Here is a picture of the quake's origins.
The red rings show where enormous waves pushed into Asia:

If you have the stomach for it,
the survivor accounts and photos viewable via CNN are heart wrenching,
and the authenticity of human suffering is palpable.
The faces of mothers holding their deceased children,
and the loading of bodies into trucks,
will burn these people's pain into your mind.

We humans have a frighteningly disturbing
capacity to overlook the grief and pain that our fellow people endure each day.
When a surmountable "act of god" occurs, such as this,
We are quick to both send our prayers while simultaneously shielding our eyes.
When I was tearfully watching the footage shown on CNN today,
a thought came into my mind unbidden.
This natural disaster killed almost 15,000 living breathing souls,
halfway around the world.
We are shown in vibrant color the misery of the dead and dying.
The imagery is horrific; people around the world will feel strong sympathy.
What do you suppose would happen to the public opinion of the war in Iraq,
if we were assaulted daily with similar photographs?
The death toll there is approximately 7 times the number in Asia.
War is not an "act of God," it is an act of man.
Unlike a powerful earthquake,
the death of man, by the hand of man, can be stopped.

I think the comment of Pope John Paul,
(quoted after the disaster in Asia)
could be applied to other "stricken populations," as well.

"Let us pray for the victims of this enormous tragedy and assure them of our solidarity for all those who suffer, while we hope that the international community acts to bring relief to the stricken populations."

For all those who suffer,
may your God soon bring you peace, comfort, and freedom from anguish.

update(12/28/04): the figures above dramatically increased over the past few days.
I have decided not alter the original post, simply becase of the difficulty I had linking the items.
(Damn, Blogger, can you work on that??)
For more current information, visit CNN or BBC online.


i like new year's eve better.

I swear I have been trying to post something new for weeks now,
but I think I have writer's block.
(yes, i am calling myself a writer today. deal with it.)
So I am just going to ramble on for a while and see what comes of it.

Work has been a real pain in the private parts lately.
It is funny how people tip less during the giving season.
For those people who say to me,
"I'd like to tip more, but, you know, Christmas and all..."
Yeah fucker, I know.
It is Christmas in poverty-level-waitress-land too.
If you are too broke to tip properly,
go home and eat Ramen noodles like the rest of us.

Every year I go through the same shit for Christmas.
The heating bills get higher,
the tips get lower,
I scrape together what I can to get gifts for the very few people I can buy for,
feel bad because I can't do more,
and then spend the last week of the year trying to make rent.
Is it any wonder that this is my least favorite time of year?

after I write that bestseller,
I will be able to get gifts for people I have wanted to get them for a while.
For my mother:
a week at a ritzy salon/spa, and a shopping spree, followed by a month in Tahiti.
(because the woman deserves to be treated like royalty after putting up with my crap for twenty odd years.)
For my brother:
the best education money can buy.
(because he will win the Nobel Prize one day, i just know it!)
For my best girlfriends:
pedicures, jewelry, chocolate, makeup, and new shoes.
(you know... the girly things their SignificantO's never seem to grasp as being the perfect gifts.)
In addition,
HH and VS get live-in Mary Poppins-esqe nannys,
MF gets a cute, sane, loyal, best girlfriend on the planet,
MP in TX gets Nicolas Cage as a sex toy,
and CM in Cali gets all the canvas/film/any medium she needs.

Oh, and did I mention everyone on my list gets
4651654168432131454 free nights on my couch-should they visit me, that is.
For my father and GG:
tickets for all their favorite shows/events, for like, ever.
(because they need to get out of the house more often, guilt free.)
For my guyfriends:
new wardrobes.
(because they so desperately need 'em. bring on the queer eye!)
For S.U.:
a totally outfitted motorcycle garage,
(so he can build that perfect chopper.)
Anyone that I missed, please don't worry.
Ya'll get extensive therapy,
(because, well,

you need it.)
Just kidding!!!
(not really.)

So I have to talk about the new guy now because it is getting kind of silly not to.
He needs his own moniker.
"new guy" sounds so rude, if you ask me.
Lets call him HP.
HP doesn't need therapy, so I am at a loss as to what I could get him.
Because he started a new job, and I am perpetually broke,
we decided to ignore xmas, and exchange gifts closer to new years.
He is definitely getting a new wallet, since his is stapled together,
(and he will need it for all that cash he will be reaping in,)
but I am having difficulty deciding what to get him that is more personal.
Even with my daydreams of having unlimited money for gifts,
I have trouble choosing something to show how I feel about him.
Perhaps the whole 2 people that read this thing can help?

Let's start with a bit o' background.

He is 6 months older than me,
a native Chicagoan transplanted in Texas,
has two jack russell terriers named after the main characters from Pulp Fiction,
is devoted to his family,
(no, that is not a euphemism for "married.")
Is a complete workaholic,
and he loves cars, rainy weather, and ESPN.
And most interesting,
the man fears nothing.
Nothing at all.
He has a balance of brashness, intelligence, confidence, humor, and good looks,
which is seriously endearing.
No games, no power plays, no pretending,
just a frank attitude and honest nature that so many (not just men!) people lack.
And he is really upfront about how strongly he has come to feel about me in the,
short time we have been seeing each other.
(i confess to being kinda blown away, and i will also confess to really digging it.)

Enough background.
Eventually you will tire of it anyway,
discerning reader,
so onto helping me with the gift ideas,
We like the exact same music/movies/other entertainment.
(by this I mean pool games, politics, hardcore metal concerts. get your mind out of the gutter.)
He has modern/urban style in home decor and clothing,
(and has much more expensive taste than me in those departments, so no help there.)
A better cook than me, (so romantic dinner is out...)
Whatever to do?

(so sure that thousands of you will come to my aid on this important issue.)

Ahh... Holiday time. A season to screw with the id, the ego, the economy, and your wallet.

Hey kids!

Make your own politically backward "season" card to send to all without risk of offence:

May your (non-denominational) season be (as however you wish it to be.)
(love/bestwishes/happy somethingorother,)
(fill in alias here)


Ridiculously unrealistic wish list

Disclaimer: In no way do I expect or want my loved ones to get me these list items...
(Wealthy complete strangers, however, are encouraged to donate to the less fortunate,

Laptop with WIFI.
Wow, how nice it would be to post my thoughts for you anywhere I DAMN WELL PLEASE.
The fact that my early 90's franken'puter still works as well as it does, is a blessing from Allah/God/Buddah, but gee,
it sure would be nice to have a grey, sleek, important looking,
laptop to impress people with at the coffeeshop.
( c’mon-I don’t even go to coffeeshops!)

Digital Camera.
They are so cheap right now,
it costs me more money to buy my monthly supply of Ramen noodles.
I don't want much...
Just a little ELF camera with at least 4 pixels and a zoom.
ooo, and a photo download dock for the new laptop.

A printer.
Such a simple luxury that many enjoy.
They are cheaper than their own cartridges,
but I can't get one,
because my disproportionaltely large franken'puter takes up so much friggin' room.
And hell, if I am gonna get myself the laptop, digi camera w/ photodock,
then I will need (ok- want,) a printer with photo resolution capability.

A NEW CAR!!!! (ala Bob Barker)
I refuse to put insurance/pay registration/get inspection for my old truck.
I mean, for pete's sake, we are talking about a no heat/AC having, gas guzzling, overheating, radio-less, broken windowed, bird shit upon, 200,000 miled,
didn't even start today '86 Blazer with shitty;
tires, brakes, exaust, and (insert random diety here) knows what else.
Really people. I'd rather eat a centipeid then pay approx US $978.46 a year just to keep the thing legal.
If it even lasts another year.
Which it won't.
The recent dream vehicle is one of those new longer bed Wrangler-style Jeep.
Automatic, soft top,
and in grey-
to match the laptop, of course.

Blogger spellcheck to work.
If only once!
I am sick to the death of copying and pasting from Word to Blogger,
it is especially annoying since the fonts are incompatible.
Oh, and as long as we are gonna have real spellcheck,
can I get Word's left click thesaurus action too?
And what in the goddamn hell is the spacing problem I seem to be having below????
Throw me a bone here Blogger!

A new grill.
No not the BBQ type.

I hate my teeth, always have.

Someday, when I become a famous author, (quit giggling.)

I am going to fix my teeth.

Last time I got dental work done, they shot the novicaine into a nerve,
and I had no sensation on the left side of my face.
Needless to say the mutilation caused by biting my own tounge, barbell and all, has left my grill pretty wrecked.
I have 2 root canals that need done, a few fillings to replace, and I have to get a bridge.
(Thank you for letting me hold the door, random diety, when they were pasing out winning smiles.)
Plus, if I am going to look hot in that Jeep, I am going to need porcelin veneers and get rid of that
"but, it gives you character," gap between my front teeth.
And in a similar vein,
If I am going to have movie star teeth,
than I may as well
have other things fixed as well:
Lasic surgery would assist in the "perpetually stoned" red eye I have even though I am not perpetually stoned. (Or possible new contacts would do the trick...)
I could stand to remove a few "cute" freckles that have morphed into old lady moles.
I would be very happy to remove the unsightly broken capillaries
on my face,
and last of the cosmetic wishes,
but certainly not the least...
I want to get rid of the underchin waddle.
I know, I know,
I am pretty cute,
even with all my imperfections,
but it is my list, so fuck off.


tune in next week when....

Howdy folks.
Welcome to one-thirty in the morning,
lonestar beer,
and the mascara smearing combination of boredom and insomnia.
Sleep isn't a friend of mine,
never there when I need it.
I have tried forcing myself to sleep,
relaxing muscle by muscle,
sheep counting,
listening to a tape of the rain,
OTC "sleep aids,"
and watching infomercials.
Nothing works.
(oh, and reminding myself that I am an insomniac by blathering on about it in my blog doen't help either...)
I have leared to cope with my non-conformist biorythms,
by not laying down to sleep until I am so tired, I can no longer stand.
My body has to get to the point where it refuses to sustain cognitive activity,
to make my mind shut the hell up.

Tonight the Lonestar Brewing Co. is going to be my "sleep aid."

I am the only person I know who can get bored within the same millisecond
of not having anything to do that just HAS to be done.
(re: homework, workwork, schoolwork)
When I finish all designated tasks, I get overwhelmingly bored.
Semester finals are finally over. (pardon me, i hate unintentional puns. well, i just hate puns.)
I just got off of work a few hours ago.
I have no laundry to speak of.
My living space is pretty much as clean as it gets.
And I am mired within the conundrum of how to entertain myself.
Sometimes I think to myself:
What the fuck did I do with myself before I went to college?
And then I remember.
The computer.
Perhaps a better question is:
What the fuck did I do with myself before the internet?
I am truly addicted to my email.
I check it probably 10 times a day.
I wish I could blame it on something,
like serious Obsessive-Compulsive disorder,
but I can't-because the first step to overcoming a problem is recognizing you have one.
"Hello my name is *****, and i am an internet junkie."

In other just as uninteresting arenas:
got two grades back, still sweating the math one....
working a disgusting amount of hours next week....
dog needs a bath...
paid cell bill and got one in the mail the next day.... again!
i bought some new moisturizer....
thinking about getting a haircut,
I am seriously considering going to Thailand for a while.
no, really, I am!
I either want to get a certificate in teaching English as a second language,
or study there.
I have been doing quite a bit of research,
and it is almost a certainty that I will go there for at least a semester, maybe two.
I am trying to seek out people that live/have lived in Thailand to give me opinion/advice about working/living/studying there.
And, yes, parental units---it is safe there.
(aside from cobras and malaria, it is probably safer there.)
And if it so happens that the third world war breaks out,
I will have already left the country that would be the target of blame,
( sorry, will cease the politicism... it slipped!)

I don't have the mental fortitude to tell you all they many compelling reasons for my possible relocation to Thailand tonight though.
But, I do promise to go into greater detail very soon.
(like my attempt at forshadowing?)


out with the old....

So the blog you all know and love,
(or at least tolerate,)
is going through changes.
First, as mentioned in the last post,
I am forgoing the use of lower case letters, (except in the titles,)
if only because spellcheck is too tiring that way.

I would also really like to experiment with fonts and text colors,
and I just figured out how....
Apparently I have been in HTML mode, where there is no option to change font, as opposed to "compose" mode.
I knew it could be done folks.
One of my favorite blogs,
The Zen Pretzel Trick
has so many different fonts and colors of text,
it is almost seizure inducing at times.
Now that my inferior intelligence has mastered the usage of this blog thing, ( I feel like an idiot,) expect more colors, links, fonts, and general whatsit.

Another change is going to be more important.
I, from here on out, am going to stop mincing words.
Hey! Quit laughing!
Seriously, some of my best writing hasn't been posted.
A few reasons:
1.) It is too personal. Yes, that's right,
I have been editing myself for fear of my "real" identity being discovered.
As time has passed, I find that I give out the site address to anyone (remotely) interested. They know who I am, so why should I care if any other yahoo figures it out? As eluded to in the disclaimer, read at your own risk.
Now don't get too excited. My sex life, (or lack therof,) will be pointedly not discussed. First of all it isn't any of your business, second, my parents/professors may read this, and third, it really isn't that interesting. (plus I could do without the pervy comments that more my more candid fellow bloggers put up with.)
2.) My thoughts may at times hurt other people's feelings.
I started out not wanting to write about some things,
mainly because it could be hurtful to someone.
This reason isn't specifically pointed at any one person,
(no, not even you...)
but it is very limiting to not be able to discuss something merely because the person involved may or may not bother to read it and be offended.
Not only that, but after my split with SU, I began to think it is more worthwhile to express feelings that may be hard to take, than it is to suppress them.
3.) It is time to make this blog what is is meant to be. A web journal.
And if it is going to be interesting at all to major publishers, than it has to be real, honest, and most of all, raw. If, for what ever reason, you prefer the blog to be whitewashed, you may as well erase me from your bookmarks now.
Expect to see pre-dated entries also, posts that never made it online for these same reasons.

There are to be other changes as well:
1.) Pictures:
I am going to removing most of the pictures of myself, for personal security, and since I am going to be ranting on about more personal subjects, I would prefer that those reading this who do not know my real identity, stay that way. I know that for those of you up north, who haven't seen me in a while, like having the pictures availiable. Well, sorry.
I am, however, considering a psudonym for myself, so I can post pictures of me without coming out and saying, "here is a picture of ME..."
It is really a non-issue anyway, since the digi camera belongs to SU, and I doubt he will be loaning it to me. (Primarily becasue he will most likely be using it to take photos of his new prospects... You go boy!)
I am looking into a different template for my blog. The reason for this is that so many other bloggers share the same unimaginative template (one choice of, like, eight on blogspot,) and I hate conformity. I want this blog, with its other massive changes to stand above the rest. That said, I am HTML illiterate, so it will take me forever to a.) decide upon changes I want to make, and b.) actually figure out how to make them.
3.) Comments and guestbook:
For a while, I disabled outside access to my site, but now that it is going to further conceal my identity, I am now making it availiable via WWW again. So anyone, anywhere, can happen across it. You are still able to post comments, (and I GREATLY ENCOURAGE comments, positive or negative,) And my site does allow for anonyomous comments. If you post a comment anonomously, fine. I prefer that you don't, because I like to read the blogs of those posting, and maybe link to them. But, if you do choose to comment on the site anonomously, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE at least sign my guestbook. To date, more than 2000 people have come across my site and I have what, 14 guestbook entries?
It takes VERY little effort to let me know how you feel about the site, just scroll down the left side of the page and click on "sign the guestbook." It makes my day when I get a new entry. Feedback is the only reason this thing is still online. I can type a private journal anyday, it is the thoughts, ideas, and enjoyment of others that I post online for, so comment on individual posts all you want, and comment on the entire site by signing the guestbook. It is much appreciated.

Well kids I have some work to do.
More to follow shortly...


today i am human

i am having a spritual misdoubt about some of my collection here on the blog.
i regret to admit it,
i am getting tired of the consistant lower casing of my, (tehee!) prose.
it is like living a double life, people!
without the usage of the larger letters used in english grammar,
people take things less seriously.

just this past semester, i ran into an interesting experiment waiting to happen.
i had two classes with criterium including an online forum.
in the first, (PSYCH,) there were questions based on feeling and personal opinion.
in the other, (HIST2,) there was a much better platform,
centered around controversial historical movements, and eras of epic changes.
(and in many aspects, the relationship of recent events to historical ones...)
i, at first replied to both forums in lower case letters, as i am obviously familiar with.
But, then I was struck with an UNDERSTANDING!

Larger case letters have a different message altogether than the more diminutive form.`

If I present a challenge between Sigmund Freud and Carl Rodgers,(PSYCH) and their differing views on therapy which one could assume, could be very much an emotional issue, and I write it in proper capitalization, no one responds with anything other than, "Well, I believe...(insert logical,(yet boring,) belief system here.)"

on the other hand...
when challenging other's opinions in lower case, i got more emotional responses in a debate/logical platform orientation (HIST2), as opposed to any intellectual dis/agreement.

it shocked me really.

So as a result of my very informal reasearch, I am considering letting go of my lower case, "e.b. white" complex, and starting to write like a grown-up. (or as you may call it- adult.)

the transition itself may take awhile,
and I am welcome to your complaints,
and other various crap you decide to berate me with

(no suggestions on my grammar/spelling skills will be read, so, don't bother.)